Welcome gentlemen and young ladies to this missive on how to use our modern roads. It has now been a fulsome number of years since those blasted "AA" radicals forced our good lords and ladies to repeal our simple law that motorised perambulators should be accompanied by a stout bearer carrying a red flag.
Apparently our modern roads are somewhat velocitous places in greater need than ever of my sage advice so I beg of you to take great heed of this advisory publication
As any great physick will inform you that traveling at a velocity greater than 25mph is highly dangerous. It can lead to great disturbances in the bodily humurs and it is highly advisable to travel at no more than 30mph on any road whatever the need for alacrity
I must confess that I have yet to understand these large byways which in many ways remind me of the high speed mail coaches of my youth. From what I understand it is necessary to move your motorised perambulator to the middle of these highways and maintain a constant and maximum speed of almost a hair raising 40mph
Junctions and Roundabouts
I have to confess ladies and good sirs that these frequent apparitions are a complete unknown to me. They are usually advertised to the upcoming gentleman with triangular signs but unfortunately they seem to be written in a strange language. Possibly French or some other hateful ancient tongue such as Egyptian or Welsh
Choosing a Car
Here I can fortunately offer some sensible advice or guidance for the prospective young buck of good character. Buy either a Nissan or a Volvo. Ladies and Gentlefolk of good character and sensible demeanour seem to feel at home in these carriages. I have heard of new upstarts such as Vauxhall and have even read ancient texts which refer to a long forgotten civilisation called "Rover"
Using Road Sense
In my use of our great empire's highways and byways I am frequently greeted by many of our sons of the soil. Their greetings are usually very simple and although they involve very simple one or two fingered greetings their words are unusual and new to me.
Tipping a hat to a passing maiden or expecting serfs or workers to touch a forelock is still honoured but usually via a simple two fingered salute I am not familiar with.. In addition I must inform your good selves of some new friendly greetings which include
"Where the F**k are you going you daft old F*rt??!!"
"Get some glasses you mental f***wit!"
"Get out of the way D***head!"
I can end this missive with a small conversation I had with one of our finest bobbies. He was very helpful and stopped me from further embarrassing myself by driving the wrong way down a major highway called the M4
Apparently this is not a "Done Thing" for a true gentleman and am indebted to his eyesight and keenness of attitude.
I am a little confused though and would ask with alacrity any reader to explain what is meant by "Dangerous Driving" or "Eye Test".
I will await a reply from a good reader with most anticipation
In my next missive I will explain a veritably modern invention called a "caravan". I find this prospect most adventurous.