Written by Andy Lam
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Wednesday, 20 April 2005

image for Andy Lam - Scientist One of the dogs prepares to vomit

Today, I was riding in my hot air balloon when I chanced look o’re the side with my spyglass. Far below (and yet seemingly near thanks to the special characteristics of the device’s optics) I espied two dogs frolicking in a grassy meadow.

As the two scamps chased one another and tumbled through the spring flowers, I noted that they from time to time paused in their play to consume some chlorophyll-laden grass. Excited by the prospect of seeing the dogs vomit, I ordered my pilot to lower the balloon so that I would have a better view of the proceedings.

Slowly – and quietly I might add – the ground grew closer. We were losing altitude. Even without my telescope, I could make out the details of the dogs very clearly. I noted that neither appeared to be a purebred of any sort and so I banished any thought of capturing either one for my collection.

With my telescope, the view of the dogs – and their lawn-eating mischief – was quite something. I could easily discern the light froth forming at the sides of their mouths as they continued to devour the tender shoots of grass.

We slowly lowered our land anchor to the ground and proceeded to wait and watch the dogs. Our patience was rewarded in only 45 minutes as one dog, then the other, began the rhythmic convulsions that would surely lead to regurgitation.

“Quick, quick,” I hissed to my first air mate, “bring me the camera.” Without hesitation, he handed me the 8mm film camera that I use for all of my nature work. As I watch from only 12 feet above the ground, both dogs produced prodigious amounts of foamy bilious vomit flecked with bits of grass. “Hooray!,” I shouted as the camera rolled, “this is one for the ages.”

Unfortunately, my sudden ejaculation freighted the poor beasts and both ran off, beyond some nearby hummocks. I had planned to gather samples of the vomit and so had myself lowered with a sample collection kit. Success!

I returned to the Lam Lab with the footage and vomit in hand and have spent a wonderful afternoon conducting experiments and recording my observations. All in all, as I sit now on my verandah reflecting on the day, it was one of the best experiences of my already rich life.

Hoping you too will enjoy this kind of satisfaction, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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