Hello again, my science-hungry friends.
There's nothing that will get your lady (or man) in the mood more than the ability to extract your own DNA.
Watch as they gaze longingly into your eyes, lick their lips and squirm in their seats as you do this experiment. By the time you are finished they will rip off their clothes and want to make mad, passionate love to you in your comfy armchair (this may be a lie and I cannot guarantee that this will ever happen - especially if you are ugly, smelly or dead).
We are going to learn How to Extract your own DNA Whilst Naked
Lets get down to DNA business, baby!
What you need:
- A teaspoon of SALT dissolved in WATER - GLASS # 1
- A small glass (make sure it is spotlessly clean, you filthy fucker) - GLASS # 2
- A clean TEASPOON (not one you shoved up your big hairy…you get the picture)
- An eyedropper (no, not a sadist who enjoys tossing dead animal eyeballs from the fifth story balcony onto unsuspecting ladies walking their dogs on a Sunday afternoon. I mean an eyedropper you can buy in a chemist shop or that comes with , erm, eydrops)
- Vodka (or a spirit drink with more than 50% alcohol content per volume. Must be ice cold - so stick it in the fridge, you bastard)
- A Microscope - or if you are like me and are a cheap bastard, that can't be bothered wasting money on something he's never, ever going to use - a MAGNIFYING LENS.
- Your MOUTH. Make sure you haven't eaten anything recently as this will fuck up the experiment by adding DNA from the crap you were eating into your own DNA and form some kind of weird, abnormal, freakish hybrid-DNA monster.
- A set of brass balls. Actually these are not necessary. I just thought they'd look kinda cool as part of the experiment listings. Ignore this.
What to Do:
Listen up, asshole. Yeah, I'm talking to you, boy. Quit messing around and get your act together. You wanna extract some sexy DNA, don't you? You want people to think you are like one of those Csi detectives off the telly, don't you? Well then listen up good and do what I tells ya!
Get your glasses and plonk them on the table - GLASS # 1 and #2.
Dilute a teaspoon of washing-up liquid with three teaspoons of water into GLASS # 2.
Now take a swig from GLASS # 1 (the glass containing the diluted salt/water mixture) and swish it around your big, fat mouth for 30 seconds and then spit it into the diluted washing up liquid glass (GLASS # 2).
Did you get that? I hope for your sake you did.
Now stir GLASS # 2 (the one you just spit into, stoopid) vigorously for a few minutes.
Now gently - I said 'GENTLY' - squirt a few drops of ICE-COLD VODKA down the side of the glass (GLASS # 2) using the eyedropper.
You need a steady hand for this, so don't bother if you are Muhammad Ali or are having an epileptic fit.
What you are trying to do is form a separate layer of VODKA on top of the salt/spit mixture. You want this to be a clearly demarcated boundary line - like that fence between your garden and your next-door neighbours.
Wait a few minutes and you should see some spindly, white, thread-like shapes forming in the Vodka mix. This is DNA, sonny-jim. Look at it closer with your magnifying lens (or Microscope if you are a rich bastard)
What the Hell just Happened, Jesus?
You spit in a glass, that's what.
By swishing that salty water around your mouth you removed cells from your mouth lining. Actually that makes it sound like you gave somebody a blowjob. I am not suggesting that any of you did this, but I am sure one of two of you have. Don't be coy. I know your little pastimes…
Anyways, by spitting in the washing-up liquid glass (GLASS # 2) you then allowed the cells membranes to break down, releasing the DNA.
The Vodka captures the DNA, because DNA is soluble in water but not alcohol. It then becomes visible as the white clumpy shit as it precipitates out from the Vodka.
Hopefully you have impressed your lady/male/hermaphrodite friend enough to play some Naked Jenga-Twister….or if a sad, depraved loner, then you can just have a good ol' wank with your imaginary friend 'Babs'.
Now get out of my laboratory!
Come back next time to learn other crap in:
Experiment #05: "How to Make Terminator 2-style Liquid Metal Effect - Whilst Naked"