Written by Jesus Budda
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Friday, 26 February 2010

image for Home experiments whilst naked #03 Tasty Science Fun

Previous Experiments:
Experiment #01
Experiment #02

Bonjour, mon amis!

The French are a very interesting people. They may not be as good-looking as the Italians, nor shoplift as sneakily as the Spanish but they sure know how to be rude, patronising and cheap.
Ahhh, the French…a noble people who you can always depend on to let you down.

Now, let us away from this talk of Frenchies and start doing scientific study!

Today we are going to measure the speed of light using a bar of chocolate in a microwave.
Yes, you heard that correctly: WE ARE GOING TO MEASURE THE SPEED OF LIGHT WITH A BAR OF CHOCOLATE IN A MICROWAVE.

This is 100% real and not some spoof.
Despite the fact this is a spoof website and I am well known for being a naughty boy, I assure you that this experiment is reliable and real.

Lets get scientific, Marie Curie!

What you need:

- A bar of CHOCOLATE (a long bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk, like the kind you can get in airports/train station shops works best)

- A RULER- I don't mean the Queen of Holland or Robert Mugabe. I mean one that you use to measure stuff with in metric units (that's 'centimetres' and 'millimetres' to you, Dave)

- A MICROWAVE OVEN (one that works is best. One that doesn't work is pointless and should not really be in your house in the first place. Go and buy a new one. They can be very cheap and affordable nowadays)

- Paper & Pen (for writing on, stupid)

- CALCULATOR or GENIUS MATHAMATICIAN (Steven Hawking likes helping out with this sort of crap, probably)

- Time you can afford to waste.

- Nudity


What to do:

Always remember to take off your clothes first. There's no point getting halfway through the experiment and only then realising you are not naked.

Open that microwave and remove the turntable - we do not want the bar of chocolate to be revolving around. We need it stationery, ok?

Remove the paper and foil from the bar of chocolate.

Do not eat it.

I repeat: DO NOT EAT THE BAR OF CHOCOLATE.

Put the bar of chocolate in the oven. If male, be careful not to catch your penis in the door.

Cook the chocolate bar at a high temperature until it starts to melt in two or three spots.

Do NOT leave it on for more than a minute.

Because the chocolate is not rotating the microwaves inside the oven are not evenly distributed throughout the bar. This is important for our calculations.

Take the chocolate out of the oven.

DO NOT EAT IT, FATSO!

See those little globules of melty bits on the chocolate? Well, measure the distance between these blobs using the RULER (Not ROBERT MUGABE, et al).

Write down the distance on the PEN & PAPER. In our case it is 6cm.

Now check your MICROWAVE OVEN to see what its frequency is.

This should be written on the back of it or the instruction manual (which you more than likely tossed away because you are a useless twat).

Microwaves are a form of electromagnetic radiation and therefore travel at the speed of light.

Say that your oven is 2.45 Ghz, this means that the microwaves oscillate 2,450,000,000 times a second.

If your oven is, say, 3 Ghz, then the waves oscillate at 3,000,000,000 times a second, and so on.
Please don't get bored just yet.

Did you find your oven's Ghz number yet?

Good. Now lets carry on.


The distance between the globules of chocolate is half he wavelength of the microwaves in your oven. Thats just the way it is, so accept it and shut up.

You can work out the microwave wavelength by DOUBLING THE LENGTH OF THE GLOBS IN THE CHOCOLATE you measured.

If the distance between the globs of chocolate was 6cm then we double this (6cm multiplied by 2) to get our wavelength of 12cm.

If the distance was 5cm, then we double it get a reading of 10cm, and so on.

Write down your calculation, bozo. (In our case it is 12cm)

Now whip out you CALCULATOR or MATHEMATICIAN.

To calculate the SPEED OF LIGHT IN CENTIMETRES we multiply the wavelength by the frequency of the microwaves in the oven.

12 X 2,450,000,000 = 29,400,000,000cm per second.

This is very close to the true speed of light, which is 29, 979,245,800cm per second.

Hooray!

You did it. You measured the speed of light - ok, roughly, but still....its close enough for a dick like you who barely graduated from baby school.

And you did it all with just the barest of equipment and a trusty bar of chocolate.

You could apply for a government scientific grant and use the money to buy a few bars of chocolate and spend the rest on a gold car, a rocket ship and a harem of busty women with perfect teeth and impeccable table manners.

Congratulations!!!!

Now take that chocolate and smear it on your naked body and let it melt, and then have one of your science babes enter the room and lick it off you.

Or you could just eat the chocolate and share it with your Mathematician friend, put back on your clothes and go home and watch the telly.

Continue on to Experiment #04 -Extract Your DNA Whilst Naked

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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