Intrepid Spoof Reporter Earl Grey, fresh off his historic interview with Vladimir Putin, managed to fly out of Russia in the nick of time, booking a hop on an almost empty return flight of a Venezuelan DC-3 Narcotics Plane.
Grey said the trip was mildly euphoric, due to cabin residue, but otherwise uncomfortable as he was forced to sit in a canvas sling and endure the cold as the WWII twin engine plane had no sealed doors or windows in order to reduce weight as it brought in fresh raw cocaine to the "New" Russia.
The reporter said he amused himself reading graffiti from passengers dating back to 1943 during the Burma Airlift, and even found a note from an MI Agent code named Morse dated January 12, 1968 detailing a live chicken and pig laden flight from Saigon to Cam Rahn Bay in South Viet Nam.
The rest of the time he amused himself with field manuals on how to submerge and run WWII Russian Submarines, how to change a track on a T-34 Tank, and which end of an AK-47 to point toward the 'enemy."
Upon landing in Caracas and being ceremoniously greeted by representatives of ruling Junta Despot Hugo Chavez, Grey said he was graciously ensconced in a former 5 Star Marriott Hotel taken over by the government, and currently rated accordingly by the infamous One Star Bandit.
After a sensuous cold shower, and toweling off with some old copies of the now quite porous Venezuelan Constitution, at nightfall, Earl was escorted to the Presidential Palace for a state dinner and an extended interview opportunity that was to extend far into the night.
The reporter casually noticed it WAS night, as there were no lights showing anywhere in the former bustling city, and the palace was only slightly aglow thanks to candles placed in strategic places so one wouldn't trip, or lose his way.
President Chavez greeted him in the softly lit state dining room and blamed President Bush for the lack of rain which has caused the country to lose all electricity due to their reliance on Hydro Electric Power. Despite being awash in oil from the government commandeered drilling and refining companies, none of his appointees know how to run them and the country is teetering on bankruptcy.
Chavez, always smiling, was attired in a well tailored Khaki Dress uniform, polished brass buckled belt, and adorned with the usual Third World Decorations: Order of the Golden Banana, Perfect Attendance at UN Denouncements of US Campaign, (with oak leaf cluster), the Barbra Streissand/Sean Penn/Danny Glover/George Clooney medal for Meritorious Service for Promoting Democratic Leadership in the 3rd World, and French Legion of Merit for siding with the French against the invasion of Haiti after the Dick Cheney infamous Sneak Attack of the Killer Winds. He also proudly wore a Barack Hussein Obama lapel pin he got from a side walk vendor while at the UN in NY at a recent socialist convention.
Earl, after his initial shock, asked how the President was getting along, under the current tough conditions, and facing an upcoming election.
Chavez, who fancies himself a cunning linguist, and is prone to holding radio and TV interviews with himself at a moment's notice (ed. Note: De Ja Vu, Barry?), launched into a mildly boring dissertation:
"Por Nada! Being a revolutionary is not, how you say, a bed of Rosie O'Donnell! We take the good with the malo. It will all come out in the wash. Manana is another day. Ahhhh! Reminds me, tomorrow the government takes over the last free enterprise Super Market so, GNP sure to rise with proper Government Supervision. Just like Venezuelan Health Care. I took it over...viola...no more sick Venezuelans. Venezuela now most healthy country in world. You can look it up...here, Earl, right here on page 2119 of my manifesto...verified by my own fact checker Paco Scopes!"
Dutifully impressed, Earl asked what was going on with his new announced unity pact encompassing Argentina, Bolivia, Columbia, Cuba, and South Los Angeles.
"Bueno! Bueno! We soon have strong union of democratic states with stable government and Presidents for Life! As we continue to fail, World Bank, United Nations, all required to pay us big money to keep from going under.
My close personal friends in Greece have right idea: "Rich must Pay," they say, truer words never spoken, Dios Mio!" Also got extortion idea from Obama's Reverend Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and Charlie Wrangle (sic), see, I'm willing to encompass some of America's better ideas!"
Filling in a brief lull in the conversation, Earl volunteered that Hugo's new world trading partner, Vladimir, sent his regards.
"Puta! Fucking Dog! He short changed me $500 US per Kilo on last delivery. He sends me WWII submarines that can't submerge and are being captured off Key West with thousands of kilos on board....BASTARDO! But hey, what you gonna do with a Puta like that...we settle up later when I buy some Mig 22's and pay him with Venezuela Pesos, then devalue them. HA, HA! No one Fucks with Hugo, except my ex wife, HAW, HAW, she running against me, you know Earl? Hey, you alone, right. Maybe I fix you up to get her off my back, you give her a good 'boom-boom" she maybe lighten up. It's ok amigo, just pull the Bubuska over her face and pretend it's Susan Sarandon in her younger days...not too bad! HA!"
Thankfully the interview was abruptly concluded as the President was called away by another emergency. Seems the public sewerage treatment plant in Caracas had failed since no one had pulled maintenance on it since the government took it over 2 years ago, and shit was now being pumped uphill, toward the palace.
According to the last dispatch from Earl, he had managed to get himself to a remote airport where he was able to buy both a pilot and a Venezuelan Military 1942 German Stuka dive bomber for $150 US to fly him to Curasol, no questions asked. Earl said the pilot was amazed that a nearby island still had electricity because he had been told George Bush had 'pulled the plug' on everybody!
More from Earl if he Makes it!