The usually stern and threatening countenance of Russian Strong Man, and former KGB hit man Vladimir Putin dissolved into mirth today as he discussed the impending melt down of the EU with Spoof Correspondent Earl Grey on a live feed carried directly to what's left of the 'free' world.
Putin spoke through his interpreter as he discussed the recent crash of the Euro and the 16 member union's meteoric decent into the depths of financial ruin.
"Da! You see....EU now like the old Soviet Union. Burdened by a bunch of do nothing socialistic parasites!. Gorbachev had it right after all. Dump those Bastard do nothings, let the West pay for their rebuilding. HA! That Gorbie, one smart Mother Fucker living large in his Dacha now...a true hero of the Revolution, bigger even than Natasha Ubersencko who shot 1,354 Nazis in Stalingrad with her sniper rifle! Later got order of Lenin for fucking 499 more to death in POW camps! That was a true Bubuska Russian!, not like those Cheryl Cole, Britney Spears types, Natasha was true fucking Russian! That's with a capital F if you're quoting me."
The interviewer managed to interject a few questions; what does Putin see for the future of the EU, the value of the Euro, and the future of Climate Change.
"Pshaw! Spain is going down next! 19% unemployment and everyone on mega payouts for not working. Difference in old Russia, Commissars told Proletariat to sit down, shut up, live on 59 Rubles a month. In Spain and Greece, greedy socialist bastards tell Commissars, 'Hey, Shit Head, Pay us 1500 Euros a month, give us health care and free apartment with real heat or else we strike!"
"Ha. Like to see them socialist ass wipes face up to T-34 tanks rolling up main street to discuss their complaints!"
"But what about Portugal? " asked Earl in his role as probing investigative reporter.
"Portugal...ahhh, dog shit! Only export was sponges. Economy destroyed when that "SHAMWOW' guy came on TV advertising 8 Shamwows for $19.95, suck up anything you spilled on floor or on your pants! HA! Clinton have a Shamwow and the Blue Dress would have been a 'no show, and Hillary would have been President by now!"
"And what about Obama?", Earl asked, sitting forward on his chair in anticipation.
"Best Joke Ever! Text book Socialist from Harvard. Surrounded by more 'text book' radicals with no calluses on hands! First time they hear shots in the street they're going to become instant right wing conservatives!"
"You think Chicago politics tough, dirty, corrupt? Walk in my boots Reporter! I show you tough, corrupt and dirty. Ever drunk a plutonium cocktail? No? HA! You come later to my Wednesday night at the movies I show you great pictures of classic deaths to traitors! Umbrella with poison needle, plutonium cocktails, poison CO2 pens, cigars with untraceable poison from deepest Africa, ice picks in ear...HA! We know death in Russia, Obama knows shit!"
"Yeah," says Earl, "but if the EU fails, and the US implodes on the Obamanation, how do you deal with the looming elephant, China?"
"19 billion slope heads? No Problem. What do they eat, Rice, Right? Russian scientists at work right now in deepest recesses of Siberia developing hybrid rice for export. No problem. Export rice to China, 19 Billion Chinks gone in less than 3 weeks, no law suits, no UN protests, actually, no more Chinee people. All gone. Russian magic. Blame it on Global Warming. West eats those lies up, 19 Billion Chinks die from dehydration and heat stroke! Ha! Gore put himself up for another Nobel prize for being vindicated!"
"Whew," said Earl impressed, " other than what you discussed, what's you immediate social problem in the new Russia?"
"Problems? Hmmmm, Just two. Can't get rid of fucking Babushka Brigades clogging up bus stops and hoarding potatoes. Other problem, fucking Brit Reporters pretending to work for oil company in Mother Russia and spying for Poland. Come! We drink together, Nyet?"