Written by Piersy

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Friday, 26 February 2010

S: Hello and a wonderful morning from beautiful sunny LA.

P: Simon, is that you?

S: Yes, Piers and I am still on top of the world. London still cold?

P: very cold

S: Well, you will be out here soon for your red carpet gig and AGT. Is Whatshername coming with you?

P: oh, yes-she follows m -- er-accompanies me everywhere these days. It will give her a chance to top up her tan

S: or tan up her top?? You could use a little sun yourself, mate. You are looking a little peaked lately. Have you lost weight?

P: er, um

S: Uh oh-she have you back on that diet and jogging stuff again?

P: Er, um

S: She is really cracking the whip huh?

P: NO, NO- not at all

S: Hahaha I guess I wasn't supposed to mention the whip or the handcuffs, was I?

P: I have no idea what you are talking about, Simon.

S: You were convinced that's what we had in that box on Ant and Dec's Christmas show, weren't you? Hahahahah

P: I have no idea what you are talking about Simon.

S: You were sweating bullets, mate. Anyway were you calling about anything special?

P: er-I wanted to just ask you for a little advice-maybe a good reference?

S: Ohhh?

P: It seems since I have slimmed down a bit, everyone thinks I am looking a lot older.

S: Well, it could be that military haircut you have gone to as well. And isn't that hair a little darker and missing quite a number of little grey guys that used to be part of the mix?

P: Er, um

S: She really has you trained already doesn't she?

P: Well, you are in no position to talk, buddy. I see you have abandoned your t-shirt for a white dress shirt on AI now. Why is that?

S: Oh, I am just trying to look sexy for Ellen.

P: grrrrr

S: So what kind of advice did you need today Piers-how to keep your woman happy without ever giving her a present?

P: NO. As I said the thinner face is making me look just a bit older and I was wondering if there is someone out there I could see when I get there to do a little mumble mumble.

S: A little what?

P: mumble mumble.

S: I can't hear your, Piers.


S: What?? I thought you were never going to do that. You will owe me some money on that bet, mate.

P: Sometimes a guy just has to do what a guy has to do.

S: Of course. I understand perfectly. There is a really good guy real close to your hotel. Discrete, too.

P: Great. Could you set me up an appointment for when I am there?

S: Piers, I would be delighted to do that. While I am at it, I will set you up with a good plastic surgeon, too.

P: I don't need a plastic surgeon.

S: Yes you do. That thinner face also makes that double chin stand out more.

P: Maybe I better just regain some weight.

S: Well, that would be easier, but you may be sleeping on the couch.

P: Er, um. Don't bother making the appointments for right now. I'll get back to you.

S: Ok, mate. You know you could hit those teeth with a little more whitening, too.

P: Ere, um ... I'm getting that done here in London. Uh, thanks for your advice, Simon.

S: My pleasure, Piers. Hurry out. I still have my supply of bikinis here. Bye for now.

P: Good bye.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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