S: Hello and a wonderful morning from beautiful sunny LA.
P: Simon, is that you?
S: Yes, Piers and I am still on top of the world. London still cold?
P: very cold
S: Well, you will be out here soon for your red carpet gig and AGT. Is Whatshername coming with you?
P: oh, yes-she follows m -- er-accompanies me everywhere these days. It will give her a chance to top up her tan
S: or tan up her top?? You could use a little sun yourself, mate. You are looking a little peaked lately. Have you lost weight?
P: er, um
S: Uh oh-she have you back on that diet and jogging stuff again?
P: Er, um
S: She is really cracking the whip huh?
P: NO, NO- not at all
S: Hahaha I guess I wasn't supposed to mention the whip or the handcuffs, was I?
P: I have no idea what you are talking about, Simon.
S: You were convinced that's what we had in that box on Ant and Dec's Christmas show, weren't you? Hahahahah
P: I have no idea what you are talking about Simon.
S: You were sweating bullets, mate. Anyway were you calling about anything special?
P: er-I wanted to just ask you for a little advice-maybe a good reference?
P: It seems since I have slimmed down a bit, everyone thinks I am looking a lot older.
S: Well, it could be that military haircut you have gone to as well. And isn't that hair a little darker and missing quite a number of little grey guys that used to be part of the mix?
P: Er, um
S: She really has you trained already doesn't she?
P: Well, you are in no position to talk, buddy. I see you have abandoned your t-shirt for a white dress shirt on AI now. Why is that?
S: Oh, I am just trying to look sexy for Ellen.
S: So what kind of advice did you need today Piers-how to keep your woman happy without ever giving her a present?
P: NO. As I said the thinner face is making me look just a bit older and I was wondering if there is someone out there I could see when I get there to do a little mumble mumble.
S: A little what?
P: mumble mumble.
S: I can't hear your, Piers.
S: What?? I thought you were never going to do that. You will owe me some money on that bet, mate.
P: Sometimes a guy just has to do what a guy has to do.
S: Of course. I understand perfectly. There is a really good guy real close to your hotel. Discrete, too.
P: Great. Could you set me up an appointment for when I am there?
S: Piers, I would be delighted to do that. While I am at it, I will set you up with a good plastic surgeon, too.
P: I don't need a plastic surgeon.
S: Yes you do. That thinner face also makes that double chin stand out more.
P: Maybe I better just regain some weight.
S: Well, that would be easier, but you may be sleeping on the couch.
P: Er, um. Don't bother making the appointments for right now. I'll get back to you.
S: Ok, mate. You know you could hit those teeth with a little more whitening, too.
P: Ere, um ... I'm getting that done here in London. Uh, thanks for your advice, Simon.
S: My pleasure, Piers. Hurry out. I still have my supply of bikinis here. Bye for now.
P: Good bye.