Gordon Brown signaled the beginning of his General Election campaign by declaring "No more Mr Nice Guy". The Prime Minister promised new hard-line policies for a new tougher Britain.
I can reveal these policies exclusively:
The closing of the Channel Tunnel. Gordon Brown says "I've never liked the Frogs. That Sarkozy is a sawn off little garlic eating monkey."
Compulsory serving of gruel for breakfast. "It's what I eat, so get used to it."
Introduction of flogging for minor offenses. "You know, I kind of like the Muslims."
Return of the death penalty. "For people who disagree with me, or accuse me of bullying."
The creation of a special leaders' slush fund. "I want to get rich. I saw that Putin fella in Russia and thought I'd give it a go."
Abolition of the monarchy. "Replace it with the position of Emperor. Me."
Hire the unemployed to work on my private estates. "See, I'm always putting the economy first."
Compulsory death for any previous Prime Ministers. "Told you I'd get you, Tony, you little bastard!"
Brown believes that the nation needs a strong leader. It's time for a change. It's time for the sand to be kicked in your face.