Written by Nailer
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Consistent with the second rate status of the United States,compared to the Mother Country, The president has offered this not so Modest Proposal.

From major newspapers here is the full text of the President's announcement.

OBAMA APPOINTS NEW CZAR SUPREMO

The Dark Skinned White POTUS has appointed an author from The Spoof, a highly regarded magazine on the internet, to supervise the complete reformation of the failed government, decrepit education system, useless military forces, abysmal health care and absolutely disgusting culture of the United States. It is generally hoped he can reshape the country into a respected Crown Colony and valued asset of the British Empire.

Introducing his new appointee, POTUS said, "He is uniquely qualified with his superior education, upper class manners and outstanding writing abilities to get us back on track. He has summarized a twelve point programme that will be his guide whilst affecting this great change.

I refer of course to no other than His Royal Highness, Matwil , Prince of Cleveland, LSMFT, BS, SOL."

The POTUS bowed and stood by respectfully as the Prince recited his twelve points.

"Firstly, the Declaration of Independence, The Articles of Confederation, and the United States Constitution will be ferried across the Delaware on Christmas Eve and burned in a public ceremony on the river bank in Trenton, New Jersey. The event will have a rented military unit, the Hessian Brigade of Mercenary SOBs in period red uniforms and tall hats to provide an escort of the documents to the funeral pyre.

Secondly, Every Road sign, traffic light and road marking will be reversed so that Americans will drive on the left which will then be right. Nascar races will be ran in reverse direction and make only right turns.

Thirdly, Everyone will be forced to use their forks left handed in the European manner.
Tea will replace coffee. Scones will replace biscuits, biscuits will replace cookies, tarts will replace pies, orange marmalade will replace all those varieties of jelly, fish and chips will replace Kentucky Fried Chicken and good stringy mutton will take the place of beef.

Fourthly, Every history book and encyclopedia will be censored and any reference to Second World War programme of Lend-Lease (or is it Lease- Lend) eradicated from any publication. No cinema is to show any British soldier in an American manufactured jeep, lorry, or tank. No Liberty Ships can be shown flying the naval ensign or the Union Jack.

Fifthly, All beer is to be served at 75 degrees or warmer.

Sixthly, Heaters in motor cars are to provide a pitiful amount of heat, defrost only the bottom two inches of the windscreen and wipers made as anemic as possible.

Seventhly, Dr. Who, Fawlty Towers and Red Dwarf to be run on an endless loop on NPR.

Eighthly, All EXIT signs to be taken down and replaced with "Way Out". "Form Line Here" will be supplanted by "Queue Here".
Big Shots and Fat Cats will be renamed Boffins.
Dollars and Cents will become Pounds and Pence.
Weight will be recorded in stones and hundredweights whilst miles per hour will give way to furlongs per fortnight.

Ninthly, Cricket, Rugby and Football will rule the outdoor arenas. Darts and Ferreting in the Pubs.

Tenthly, All televisions and Radios will require a license

Eleventhly, One billion cameras will be installed throughout the entire colony. It is felt this will stimulate the the failing economy. (This was graciously presented by the Prince in lieu of constructing new debtors prisons).

Twelthly, Small packets of pebbles will be handed out to all who speak with the atrocious American accents. Placing them in the mouth when speaking will simulate the mumbling speech of the middle and upper class British."

Author's Note: My first serious love was an English girl from Shipley, Yorkshire. I met her while stationed near Frankfort with the US Army (sent in to garrison the south of the country after the British had won World War II) in the early sixties. We got along famously and she did not seemed put off by my American ways one wit.

Little did I know that she was the British equivalent to the Great Unwashed of my homeland.

It is obvious to me now that her ancestors some how slipped through the net gathering up the lower classes from their mean little hovels for transport to the colonies.

God Save the Prince,
Nailer

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

99 readers are online right now!

Go to top