I have always thought it would be really neat to be an Evil Genius like we've always seen in the Bond movies or even the Austin Powers films. You know: having an army of henchmen to do my bidding, sitting in a really impressive office with a kitty in my arms, wearing a mao jacket, shaving my head and launching a plan for world domination. But how do I know if I'm REALLY evil genius material? How would any of us know? Better yet, what goes in in an evil genius' head?
I thought about devising a series of questions to help a person probe their own mind in search of the answers. However, I had no idea what criteria to use in formulating those questions. However, I found that the answers were quite simple, provided one knew what model to plug the variables into. And so I rummaged through some old Cosmopolitan articles at the dentist office (that works because, as we all know, dentists are evil), and compiled a list of questions from their most popular personality quizzes.
And so, without further ado, here we have the Evil Genius answers to a typical personality quiz!
1. What time did you get up this morning?
10 am. But not with an alarm clock. I am, after all, an Evil Genius.
My manservant Hecubus always gets me up at that time or I beat him with a haggis.
2. How do you like your steak?
Still alive. Evil Geniuses need lots of protein.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
4. What is your favorite TV show?
Interior Decorating For the Evil Genius
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
I'm quite comfortable in my hollowed-out mountain Evil Lair.
6. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Nancy Pelosi. I ate her with fava beans and a nice kool aid. *makes Hannibal Lecter sucking noises*
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Italian and Chinese
8. What foods do you dislike (HATE)?
I HATE LIVER
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
RED ROBIN, YUMMMMMMMMM
10. Favorite dressing?
Home made. Oil, vinegar, battery acid, goat's blood, Jehovah's Witnesses, and artichokes. Just like Mom used to make.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
All Evil Geniuses get driven around in Rolls Royces by large drivers named Chang. But when the Rolls is on the Fritz I drive a Toyota Corolla.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
I would visit Walt Disney World with my Evil entourage.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
I would send one of my minions out to steal the priceless jewel-encrusted cup from the museum, fill it with a rare vintage wine, something with a fruity finish, then throw it at said minion shouting BASTARD! I SAID CREAM SODA!
15. Where would you want to retire?
In my hollowed out mountain Evil Lair on Evil Island, of course!
16. Favorite time of day?
What a silly question! Evil Geniuses are night owls.
We stay up late brooding over how frightfully clever we are.
17. Where were you born?
I was born in a abbatoir in Warsaw where my mother was giving underwater basket-weaving lessons to a large Dutch masseur named Svenge. Svenge was petulant and had to be slapped with a side of bacon. The rather loud sound that issued frightened my mother into what can only be described as 76 hours of delicious agony. Then I was born! *Evil laughter*
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
College Football, Inanimate Object Breaking, and an old family favorite, Midget-Toss!
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Certainly those pesky do-gooders like James Bond won't bother, but we'll just have to give Mr. Bond a "special invitation". *More Evil Laughter, interspersed with a hacking cough*
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
My evil Henchman Teriyaki Foo-Foo. If he doesn't I shall strike him.
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
MI 6 and NATO
22. Bird watcher?
Of course! All Evil Geniuses enjoy bird watching. If you don't watch those petulant little bastards carefully they shit on your car.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
I'LL ASK ZE QUESTIONS! *SLAP*
24. Do you have any pets?
What kind of Evil Genius would I be without a pet?
I have an octopus. His name is Fluffy.
Well, by that I mean that his name has the quality of fluffiness.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
I have just finished building my DOOMSDAY MACHINE.
Soon, I shall activate this infernal device,
and then.....I WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!!!! *EVIL LAUGHTER ONCE AGAIN, OVER THE SOUND OF A BLENDER*
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
An Evil Genius and Rule the World
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Deciding I wanted to become and Evil Genius and rule the world.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
ONCE AGAIN, PIG, I SHALL ASK ZE QUESTIONS! *SLAP SLAP*
29. Are you married?
Yes. Snoogems is the light of my life..
30. Always wear your seat belt?
Always. Otherwise my bladder would be entirely the wrong shade of plaid.
31. Been in a car accident?
EVIL GENIUSES ARE NEVER IN CAR ACCIDENTS!
We have our minions do that for us.
32. Any pet peeves?
I HATE SCOTCH TAPE! USE IT IN MY PRESENCE AND I SHALL STRIKE YOU YET AGAIN, PETULANT MONKEY!
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Pepperoni and 9 mm bullets.
34. Favorite Flower?
I am quite partial to lotus flowers. They are evil.
35. Favorite ice cream?
Hamburger Molasses with Tofu sprinkles.
36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
SHUT UP YOU PETULANT TWIT! *SLAP*
38. From whom did you get your last email?
My lodge brothers.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Evil Genius Supply Deopt
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
41. Like your job?
Of course! Being an Evil Genius and taking over the world is fun, fun, fun!
42. favorite veggie?
My 90 year old Uncle Wendy.
43. What was your favorite vacation?
When I took the wife and kids to Evil Genius Family Holiday Camp. *SLAP*
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My evil henchman Dr. Poopypants.
45. What are you listening to right now?
I am listening to one of my minions being tortured. He failed me.
I sent him out to get me a biscotti and latte. He brought back tea and crumpets!
46. What is your favorite color?
47. How many tattoos do you have?
EVIL GENIUSES NEVER DISCUSS SUCH THINGS, YOU PETULANT BUTTERCUP! *SLAP SLAP SLAP*.
48. Did you enjoy this quiz?
I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS YOU PETULANT PETUNIA! *SLAP*
49. What time did you finish this quiz?
11:09 P.M, just in time for my daily scouring of the world for more evil henchmen!
50. Coffee Drinker?
I LIKE COFFEE YES OH YES OH YES COFFEE COFFE COFFEE! *EXPLODES*
Was that a little over the top?