In my capacity as Spoof reviewer, I was recently sent a bag of fifteen King Edward potatoes to review.
My initial reaction was one of disappointment, as there was no instruction manual in the bag, and the web address printed on the side of the bag took me to a national supermarket chain, where I could still not find any instructions on using these potatoes.
However, being a dedicated reviewer, I Googled "What are King Edward Potatoes for", whereby I located a kind of instruction manual for the potatoes. According to the site, I should have also received a 'potato peeler' with the potatoes, as this appears to be a vital tool for using King Edwards. I eventually located a 'potato peeler' in my cutlery draw of all places, having already checked the more logical places, such as under the stairs and the garage.
There were no instructions on how to use the 'potato peeler', however, before and after pictures were provided on the web site, and although I took off as much skin from my fingers as from the potatoes, a quick wash to remove the blood left the King Edward matching the 'after' picture.
With a now denuded potato I was still at a loss as to what it was for, so I returned to the internet, and discovered that it was ideal for mashing, apparently. Not having a 'potato masher' even in my cutlery draw, I used a hammer. This broke the King Edward into smithereens, but the final result did not match the 'light and fluffy' picture on the web site.
I tried again with another of the potatoes, removing much less skin this time, either because I had less to start with, or because I was getting better at this tricky art that should really be taught in schools.
The next option on the site was 'roast potato'. It took several minutes with my blow-torch to turn the potato into the image on the web site. The web site described the interior as 'light and fluffy', a recurring theme on the site. The potato now appeared to be too hot to hold, revealing to me the source of the phrase "hot potato". Using my jigsaw, I was disappointed to discover that the interior of my potato was identical to how it started, more hard and slimy than light and fluffy.
Resolving to have one last go, I took a third potato. The web site said the King Edward was perfect for chips. Again, there was no instructions on how to go from unpeeled potato to chipped potato. As I was currently also reviewing a tree chipper, I used this, and it did a fantastic job, although the resulting pieces were not as even as in the picture, and had not turned a golden yellow colour. Additionally, upon using a hacksaw to open one, the interior was not 'light and fluffy', but resolutely identical to how it started.
I can only give King Edward Potatoes one Spoof Star, due to the lack of instruction and sheer dangerous nature of them. they should only be handled by experts, and are not suitable for the man in the street. The tree chipper review will be submitted once the skin has regrown on my hands.