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Monday, 15 February 2010

image for When I Grow Up I'll Be ... An 11-year old

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? A study of thousands of 11-year old American children in 1969 offered a snapshot of how they imagined their lives would be when they reached 25. Here are a few of their predictions:

Barack Obama: 'When I grow up I hope to go on holiday to America or even become an American, as I have spent all my life on islands in the Pacific Ocean. If I do I will still talk like an eleven-year old there, where everything is simple and all are equal and happy and the sun is shining, and I will clap my hands and smile and say 'Yes it is!'

And I will smile and wave at people and be a very polite 25-year old boy and will always wash my hands before dinner, as long as that bad boy Menachim allows me to. He's always doing bad things, but I'm scare to say anything about it!'

George W. Bush: 'Well, let's see, and how do you open this jar of pretzels, Mom? OK, when I grow up I will spend all day playing golf and eating Burger King burger kings burgers, and drinking juice and making sure my desk is always clean when I'm doing whatever the heck job Dad arranges for me.

I'll need plenty of white cleaning powder for that desk, sure, and will need to misunderstandulate Engerlish worms better, Ah think Ah'm kinda dys - dislectric, though that bad boy in class Billy Clinton today said that I'm 'a brain-damaged baboon whose tiny brain has been replaced by one made out of Jello!'

Ah tells you, Mister journamalist, by the time Ah'm 25 and a half I just knows I'll have got the hang of talkin' like a growner-up. Can I go out and play now, Dad?'

Hillary Rodham Clinton: 'I will be important and powerful and intelligent, but I'm already practicing pulling ghastly faces in the mirror and making up stories about myself just in case I only end up becoming a delusional nobody, who's job will be pulling hideous faces at people while getting in and out of airplanes.

I will be married by then but will keep a careful eye out on what my husband is doing, in case I need to blackmail him about any crooked property deals he may get involved in to make him give me a better job. I was named after mountaineer Sherpa Hillary, who climbed Mount Everest 6 years after I was born, kinda weird, huh? Oh hi, Monika, are you going out to play with Billy Clinton again?'

John McCain: 'I'm a bit older than the other kids here, you know. But when I'm 25 I'll be a brave air force pilot flying missions into bad Commie countries, never getting shot down or captured as I'll be so talented at being a jet pilot.

Billy made a bet with me yesterday, he bet me that if I did become a pilot I'd be shot down and captured 4 times! He's funny, what sort of idiot could that happen to? Ha ha ha ha. And when I'm older and decorated as a war hero and leave the air force I may become an autocue reader. I certainly won't become a food taster in a Vietnamese restaurant!'

George Washington: 'I hope to be a soldier like my Dad, he says it is the duty of all American patriots to fight injustice and to make our country the land of opportunity and of free speech and equal rights for all, the land of the free that has turned its back on British and European colonial wars, and the land of peace and of equality and of democracy.

If us patriots didn't bother then the USA would turn into a land where people are thrown into concentration camps without any trial, a land whose soldiers end up fighting in endless British and European wars for decade after decade in places like Vietnam and Iraq,

a land where children can buy machine-guns to attack schools with, a land which has the highest murder rate in the world, and a land where health care treatment depends on how much money you have while the rest of the Western world has decent state-run health care systems for all, whether rich or poor. And a land where democracy is decided by rigged voting machines and carefully arranged bad candidates. Lucky none of that will happen!'

George H. Bush: 'No, I'm not related to that idiot over there who's also called Bush. When I grow up I want to have a job where I pay someone with an Arabic name to invade an oil-rich country so I can then lead thousands of American troops over there to take it back - and then destroy that Arab guy's entire nation in war crime after war crime!

Schools, hospitals, transport, everything will be destroyed by the USAF and Americans won't even notice all the mass-murder going on because the TV will tell them it's all for 'peace'. Of course nobody can be dumb enough to believe that, or to believe in US TV news, so it's all maybe just a nice dream!'

John Kennedy: 'When I am 25 I will be working for Dad, pretending I'm a politician and waving and smiling at people and still talking about simple childish ideas about 'progress' and other such bullshit. Dad may let me take a holiday to go and spend it in Hamburg, Germany,

and at the annual Oktober Bierfest there I will stand up in front of thousands of German drinkers and tell them 'I am a Hamburger!' Then I'll go back to America and get driven round America waving and smiling endlessly at people, as that is all American politics involves. Need to go and lie down for a bit now, I have a rather sore head'

Edward Kennedy: 'When I am 25 I will be working for Dad, pretending I'm a politician and waving and smiling at people and still talking about simple childish ideas about 'progress' and other such bullshit. Dad may let me take a holiday to go and spend it pretending to be a soldier in Germany,

and at the annual Oktober Bierfest there I will stand up in front of thousands of German drinkers and tell them 'I am an alkie!' Then I'll go back to America and get driven round waving and smiling endlessly at people, as that is all American politics involves. Need to go and lie down for a bit now, I have a rather sore liver'

Robert Kennedy: 'When I am 25 I will be working for Dad, pretending I'm a politician and waving and smiling at people and still talking about simple childish ideas about 'progress' and other such bullshit. Dad may let me take a holiday to go and spend it pretending to be an Attorney General in Washington DC,

and at the annual whitewashing of my office there I will stand up in front of thousands of American voters and tell them 'I need a dentist!' Then I'll go back to Boston and get driven round waving and smiling endlessly at dentists, as all American politics involves is big teeth and family connections. Need to go and lie down for a bit now, I have a rather sore chest'

Ronald Reagan: 'Well, heck, I think I'll become a movie actor and play The Man With No Brain, a cowboy that knows nothing about the world outside of the American Wild West and rides around on his hoss acting like he's real tough, but also real decent and wholesome and the sorta guy with ginormous teeth and a cheesy grin that your grannie likes to watch on corny 1950s Westerns on TV. Wouldn't it be ridiculous if that described every American President since 1960?'

Joseph McCarthy: 'I am going to become a Senator one day, I'm already scared of my own shadow and see boogie men everywhere. So when I'm older I'll still be scared but will call them 'Communists', and then try and bully other people into being scared too, it's the American way.

Then I hope to single-handedly destroy the US movie industry by 'blacklisting' any directors or actors that don't actually portray America as 'The Little House on the Prairie', and 50 years later American movies will still be the childish crap I will have turned them into. Like 'Fatman Returns', 'Another Dire Julia Roberts Film' and 'The X Men Meet Lassie'. Is that wallpaper red? Help, Mommie, the Commies are everywhere, boo hoo hoo!'

Jerry Springer: 'It sounds unlikely, but I want to become Mayor of a major US city so I can reform it and do good for it and all sorts of nice things. I'll help the poor and needy, I'll use city funds wisely, it'll be American decency and endeavor at its best. But if that doesn't happen I want to become a chat show host of a TV program that actually satirises its idiotic audience, and of course is a massive American ratings hit. Jerry, Jerry!'

Abraham Lincoln: 'Well, despite me only being 11 at this point I shall nevertheless become a sort of pompous cross between a preacher and a stand-up comedian with a strange appearance, and will of course turn the USA from being a powerful and dynamic new nation into a politically correct nation obsessed with race and save the lesbian whale rights, and sending its troops to every part of the world except for where American troops really should be - defending America in America.

John Logie Baird: 'I know what I'm going to be. The inventor of the television, then Americans will believe their own news stations and believe that American politicians are important and intelligent. Just look at the list of idiots above me that may become leading American politicians! April Fool!'

An 11-year old child could be President of the United States of America. One is.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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