Written by Bill Licks
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Monday, 15 February 2010

image for Friends - The one that nobody watches anymore

(Opening Scene - Joey's flat. Chandler walks in to find Joey sitting on the sofa watching TV)

Chandler - Hey Joey, fancy seeing you here.

Joey - Hey Chandler .. This is my flat so where else would you expect me to be.

Chandler - Forgive me if I'm wrong, but didn't you move to Los Angeles to pursue a career in acting.

Joey - I certainly did. You must have watched me on TV in that hilarious sitcom I did call 'Joey'?

Chandler - Can't say I did, my chunky Italian friend, and as far as I'm aware, nobody else watched you in it either which is why it was cancelled after 2 seasons.

Joey - Hey that's out of order Chandler Bing. The reason it didn't come back for a third season was because I decided I wanted to give up comedy and become a serious actor.

Chandler - I think you 'gave up' comedy the moment you opened your mouth during the first episode of 'Joey'. And I always think you've been a serious actor…… A seriously SHIT actor that is.

Joey - Woah. Take that back Chandler . A statement like that can really hurt a man's feelings… and hold up. Did you just say the word 'shit'?

Chandler - Why yes Mr Tubby Tribbani. I did indeed say the word SHIT.

Joey - But I didn't think we were allowed to use that kind of language on Friends. The scriptwriter who wrote that line is gonna be in some serious trouble.

Chandler - Or some 'serious fucking shit' to be more precise.

Joey - You did it again. And you even said fu…. fu…… fu….

Chandler - FUCK

Joey - Yeah fuck. How? Why? Who? What? Now I just said it. FUCK

Chandler - Congratulations Joey. Welcome to the world of Friends where nobody watches anymore so now we can say whatever the FUCK we like.

Joey - Nobody's watching? Friend's is the most popular sitcom in the history of the universe, ever. Somebody must be watching.

Chandler - Not anymore Joseph old buddy. Channel 4 has decided that it's had enough of screening Friends so we're going to be moving to some cable channel that nobody ever watches.

Joey - Channel 4? Who in the name of fuck are they?

Chandler - They are a terrestrial TV company in the UK that used to broadcast cutting edge documentaries, hard-hitting 'yoof' TV and the top U.S sitcoms. Now it doesn't know what the fuck it specialises in. Gee. I almost sound like I know what I'm talking about and yet I too asked the same question as you when I first read this script. I also need to say this bit to tell any readers from the States the reason for writing this so they don't think 'Why the fuck has this limey arsehole written a script for an imaginary Friends episode on a satirical news website'

(Both exchange glances and shrug their shoulders)

Joey - So if no one is watching. Then we can say and do whatever we like and nobody will ever care because no one is watching.

Chandler - Correctomundo.

Joey - So I could say…..

(Ross enters the room unnoticed)

Joey - I'd love to fuck Rachel up the arse whilst Monica sucks my balls…

(Ross stands open mouthed in shock as Joey and Chandler laugh to each other)

Ross - JOEY TRIBBIANI. Did you just say what I thought you just said about my girlfriend and my sister? And Chandler. Were you just laughing at what Joey just said about your wife?

Chandler - Why yes Ross. Correct on both accounts. Do you have a problem with that you tight arsed monkey fucker?

(Joey and Chandler laugh whilst Ross looks shocked again)

Ross - Did you just call me a tronkey mucker?

Chandler - Why, no Ross. Because in every dictionary that I've ever read I believe the words 'tronkey' and 'mucker' do not exist. I was simply accusing you of having an arse so tight that you shit spaghetti and that you got so friendly with that monkey Marcel, that you regularly fucked his little monkey brains out.

Ross - HOW DARE YOU? I am shocked at you Chandler, I thought you were my friend. And did you just say the word sh... sh... sh... er, ahem, do-dos and also that f word that rhymes with duck in that tirade of abuse?

Chandler - Yes Ross I did just say 'shit' and 'fuck' and so I don't have to explain the reason why, can you take a moment to read this script from the top?

(Ross reads the script and looks at the other two with his sad face)

Ross - Is this really true? No one in the UK will ever watch an episode of Friends ever again?

Chandler - That's right.

Ross - But doesn't every household in the UK own at least one box set of Friends DVDs?

Chandler - They do. But who ever watches DVD box sets more than once, if at all? I know someone who was given all five seasons of the Wire for Christmas 2008 and hasn't even taken the wrapping off any of them yet.

(All three look at each other and shrug their shoulders)

Ross - So that's why you've been using all those, ahem, bad words?

Chandler - You're on the ball today Geller. Say, why don't you have a go at saying one of those, ahem, 'bad words'?

Ross - Come on Chandler. You know I've never cursed in my life. I don't think I'd know how to even if I tried.

Chandler - Ok let's start with an easy one. Say 'Suck my mother fucking cock you filthy fucking slut.'

Ross - Suck. My. Mothers funny sock you filthy funny suit.

Chandler - Jesus Geller. You really are a spineless prick. Try again.

Ross - Ok. But I don't think this is big or clever. Suck. My. Mother. Fu, fu fu, furry lock you filthy furry slug.

Chandler - Joey. Are you listening to this dumbass? Joey..... Hey Joey..... Shit, Joey's dead.

Ross - Joey dead? How?

Chandler - I guess the pick axe through his skull could be some kind of clue as to the cause of him dying.

Ross - But who'd do a thing like that to Joey? He was the nicest, kindest guy that a man could ever wish to meet.

Chandler - Hmmm, according to the script you did it.

Ross - What?

Chandler - Here take a look. It seems the scriptwriter got bored of writing any more lines for Joey so if you look at the line below in brackets it says you did it.

Ross - Where?

(Ross sticks a pick axe through Joey's head)

Ross - Oh. Jeez. That wasn't very nice of me.

Chandler - There you go Mr Whiter than White Geller. You're now a psychotic killer. So if you can take someone's life without batting an eyelid then surely you can say some, ahem, bad words.

Ross - You're right. Maybe I can.

(Phoebe enters the room unnoticed)

Ross - SUCK. MY.MOTHER. FUCKING. COCK. YOU. FILTHY. FUCKING. SLUT.

Phoebe - Ross Geller. I'm shocked.

Ross - No, Phoebe. I didn't mean to say that to you. Chandler made me say it.

Phoebe - No Ross. I'm not shocked by what you said, I'm just shocked that the scriptwriter has used that 'saying something embarrassing scenario without realizing the person was in the room' routine for a second time.

Ross - Oh ok. That's a relief. Maybe he's running out of ideas already but as no one's watching us anymore it doesn't really matter anyway.

Phoebe - Nobody's watching? How about the DVD box sets.

Chandler - Done that routine Phoebs.

Phoebe - Erm. What about, I guess I'm used to nobody watching me anymore after starring in Hotel For Dogs and Bandslam.

Chandler - Yep we kind of used that one at the beginning of the show too when me and Joey discussed the ratings for his sitcom.

Phoebe - Oh. Shit. So, er, where's Monica and Rachel then?

Ross - Maybe they're in Central Perk sipping Cappuccinos and laughing about the good old days.

Chandler - Or maybe they're next door pounding each other with strap on pneumatic drills.

(Silence as the three pause and look at the door)

Phoebe - Well I was expecting them to both walk in the room as Chandler said that...

(Monica and Rachel walk in the room unnoticed)

Phoebe - Maybe Monica and Rachel are just too busy and successful to make time to appear in this episode that nobody's watching.

Rachel - Wow Phoebs, that's the nicest thing you've ever said. But weren't you supposed to, like, insult us or something?

Phoebe - Erm, sure, but if I was gonna insult you I'd say it to you face Rom-Com queen. You got anything to add Monica, you washed up old has-been?

Monica - Yes Phoebe. I do have something to add. I want you to drop your panties whilst me and Rachel strap on our 'pneumatic drills' so we can D.P. you while the boys stand there and watch.

Chandler - Oh yes, there really is a God.

Ross - I bet Channel 4 wish they hadn't canned the show now.

Joey - Hey guys. Good news. I'm not really dead.

All - Well if that's the good news we'd hate to know what the bad news is.

(All laugh)

Joey - You guys!


END

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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