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Saturday, 13 February 2010

image for The Mr. Men don't celebrate any anniversary today Little Miss Wailer

The Mr. Men and Little Misses, cartoon characters created by Roger Hargreaves 39 years and 233 days ago today, had no anniversary today but were used shamelessly by the BBC to plug their programmes anyway. The characters are still very popular with small children and here is a list of some them:

Mr. Liar: a grinning man that can't stop telling lies - lies about weapons of mass destruction, crooked property deals and even about his wife, Little Miss Taxmilker

Mr. Nobody: a completely uninteresting person that never does anything but waves to people a lot when travelling round the world. Also called Mr. Kenyan

Mr. Nasty: Unpleasant Russian man that uses threats, violence and extortion to get his own way

Mr. Brainless: Idiotic man that chokes on pretzels and can barely speak English, let alone play golf. Makes everyone laugh with his slapstick routine and mispronouncialisationisms

Little Miss Face Puller: Tells fairy tales wherever she goes, tales about being shot at and about being named after Mr. Mountaineer. Only created by Hargreaves because Mr. Face Puller is very famous

Mr. Face Puller: no reason for being a famous Mr. Man apart from playing doctors and nurses a few times with Little Miss Slapper

Little Miss Slapper: pretty girl that pretends to be sweet and nice but once kept one of her dirty stained dresses for years under her bed then told all the other Mr. Men why it was dirty. Also known as Little Miss Tart. Only famous for keeping that dress

Mr. Naughty: is naughty with Little Misses and often gets caught at it, then like a little boy runs away and hides and doesn't play football with the other Mr. Men for a few weeks

Mr. Gum Chewer: also plays football with other Mr. Men, but scares them by yelling at them if he doesn't get his own way while chewing chewing gum. Has a blue nose and looks like an alcoholic Smurf, and has a trick wristwatch that always runs slow when he needs more time to do things but speeds up when he doesn't

Mr. Penalty Giver: a Mr. Man all dressed in black, he spends all day in the village of Trafford pointing at a white spot and blowing his whistle and handing out free cards to people that argue with him. Good friends with Mr. Gum Chewer

Little Miss Wailer: a pretty girl with 'Cleopatra' eye shadow, Little Miss Wailer appears now and then and makes hideous wailing noises at all the Mr. Men and Little Misses, but gets away with such annoying behaviour

because she always has a band of professional musicians and singers who drown out most of her wailing. Can be a bit naughty sometimes and slaps Mr. Men she doesn't like, which only happens every third day of the week

Little Miss American Slapper: a friend of Little Miss Pretty Baby, Little Miss American Slapper isn't pretty and dances round poles wearing next to nothing and trying to sing songs but failing miserably at it. Only features in the books because she dances round poles wearing next to nothing, her wailing is almost as dreadful as Little Miss Wailer's

Little Miss Pretty Baby: has been friends with Little Miss American Slapper since they both appeared on television when smaller in the Mr. Cheesy Mouse's Club. Very beautiful girl, but makes people laugh as she has the IQ of a frozen broccoli spear

Mr. Smarmy: hideous grovelling character who nauseates people with his creepy smiling and when he speaks like Little Miss Fauntelroy, and spends all day running around hoping Mr. Nobody has something for him to do. Mr. Nobody tries to avoid him. Mr. Smarmy has a little army of Mr. Men soldiers but never explains what they are doing in the village of Oilaq, where they are used as target practice by Mr. Beardy and Mr. Sniper. Will be unemployed soon, and renamed Mr. Creep

Mr. Socialist: once ran the Labour Tea Party with other Mr. Men and Little Misses, including Little Miss Short and Mr. Benn, now also unemployed. Mr. Socialist will get a new job next week cleaning Little Miss Thatcher's shoes

Mr. Vice President: invisible Mr. Man that never does anything

Mr. President: very visible person that does what his bosses in the village of Telaviv tell him to. A very weak Mr. Man but hides that by grinning like some sort of village idiot on drugs and pointing into the distance and speaking like Mr. Preacher telling the other Mr. Men that they are,

in fact, when we now and here have - and let us not look forward with certainty, certainty that certainly in time we will, for this is our purpose, now that this is our time, our present and not our past, henceforth drone and on and never actually get to what is, in essence, the point and - in fact - is a waffling windbag with about as much genuine power as Little Miss Face Puller

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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