Written by matwil
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Friday, 12 February 2010

image for Joshua Tarantino, Superstar The Roma A-Go-Go Club where Jesus and the Twelve Disciples first started to kick pagan ass

Inspired by an article here about commemorative plates autographed by rock star Jesus Christ (real name Joshua Tarantino), we tracked down the reclusive singer to his home in East Jerusalem.

At first he refused to do an interview but changed his mind when we offered him thirty pieces of silver, as 'that was how much Judas Iscariot made out of the Romans for trying to frame me as some sort of fraudster, the swine!'

When asked if he was planning another tour of Canaan, he shrugged and said 'Dunno, man, OK, the last gig I did on Mount Thingy was pretty groovy, I did my loaves and fishes stunt during the music, that always gets the kids cheering and holding their candles in the air.'

'And after I sang 'Oh Little Arabic Occupied Town of Bethlehem' and 'Silent Night, Curfew Night' I went off stage but had to come back and do two encores. Shit, 'not 'Healing The Sick' again!', I thought to myself, you get kinda fed up of doing the same old stuff over and over but I did it anyway just to keep the fans happy.'

Jesus has been one of the most enigmatic and successful rock stars in recent years with his band The Twelve Disciples, and has also had two number one hits duetting with singer Mary O'Magdalena, 'The Last Supper' and 'Yes, We Are Married, Everyone Knows It', though Jesus's manager Brian Popestein tried to keep his marriage a secret as his female fans might have been disappointed in him.

Jesus and the Twelve Disciples' biggest hit was the concept album 'Jesus Christ Superstar', which stayed at number one in the charts for 2,000 days before being knocked off the top spot by 'The Fake Resurrection (It's Lies)' by dance band The Iffy Goosesteppers.

Christ had a normal upbringing as a child, though his mother Mary was pregnant when she married Joseph Goldfrapp, which meant that in Canaan she had probably been impregnated by a Roman soldier, as it was unheard of then for a pregnant woman to be unmarried.

Jesus did well at school though teachers sometimes gave him low marks for wearing his halo during history lessons, and in his twenties he went to the Essene Performing Arty Farty College in northern Palestine where he got a degree in reading the Old Testament and quoting it to people. And of course majored in teaching the Essene philosophies of forgiveness, and of healing and an afterlife.

'My cousin John was at college with me', Jesus said, drinking straight from a bottle of local Samaritan red wine, 'and man, he was crazy! Used to eat locusts and stuff and went out to the desert to rant and rave to nobody about I dunno what. Think he was tripping all the time after licking toads or something.'

'Got himself busted and thrown in the slammer for being a kind of weirdo freak generally, and then the King's chick had him executed just to win a bet!', as his cousin - John Baptiste - had indeed been executed in Syria Prison on the orders of Queen Suzie, the King's wife but also a notorious drug user and prostitute.

'Shit, I was angry! But, you know, you gotta turn the other cheek and all that sort of thing, so I kept cool and formed The Disciples for a few gigs across the country. Hey! Remember when we played The Dead Sea Wild Rock'n'Roll Free Festival last year? We nearly bankrupted our funds with that moonwalking on water thing, but the crowd loved it! And we had fountains of rainwater that were turned into wine at the side of the stage, shit, it was fun!', and he took another swig from his bottle.

Controversy has followed Jesus around ever since he became famous - he once argued with some priests when they said he shouldn't be playing music on a Sunday, drunkenly shouting 'The Sabbath was invented for Man, man, not the - the man invented for the invention! Now piss off, ya Sanhedrin shits!' And there have been many paternity claims made against him, particularly by the mother of former jail prisoner Barrabas I Am Jesus's Son O'Reilly.

He was once arrested by the Romans when he publicly said he was 'more famous than John Lennon now', which is against the law to say in the Deep South of Palestine, and was nearly thrown in jail himself after trashing The Temple Hotel in Jerusalem, destroying tables and throwing coins at people and screaming 'You have turned this place into a mockery of rock'n'roll!' at them. He married Mary O'Magdelena in the town of Cana last year in secret, the papers described it as somebody else's wedding to keep the public away from it.

The concept album 'Jesus Christ Superstar' made him and his band world-famous, its concept being the tale of a perfectly normal human being who becomes a big star in Canaan and makes a claim to be King of all the people there, and preaches Essene ideas to big crowds - so is sentenced to death by the Romans for insurrection. And then uses friends in high places and in the Roman army to survive his own crucifixion, so of course is still alive but has to leave Palestine for his own safety after talking with his wife and band members first.

The album's closing song 'We Need To Hijack The Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox (To Make Money Out Of Them)' is about the band's manager Brian Popestein and how he forms a fake religion in Rome based on the 'resurrection' of Jesus, which of course is an impossibility and a ridiculous idea for even the most devout people in the world.

But the lie makes the manager wealthy and powerful, though another song from the record called 'Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition' has become a bit of a cult classic for music lovers in Pythonia and North Goonastan.

'Yeah', Jesus said, 'that was a big seller, and fiction became reality, as Brian's now so wealthy from all them royalties. 'Shit!', I try and tell him, 'it's easier for a camel to, like, do a back flip and triple somersault through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to go to heaven', but he never listens, must have millions now.'

'And does he give any of it to the poor and needy? Does he f***, the tight-fisted git! Invests it with arms manufacturers and even with La Cosa Nostra', referring to that notorious Roman criminal organisation that practices extortion and murder and blackmail across the Empire.

Although he's in a vague sort of retirement Jesus Christ's fans are hoping he will come back and do more concerts, some even suggesting that that is predicted in the scriptures, but the singer said 'Well, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but if I do then this time it'll be no more Mister Nice Guy!'

'But I may go solo, I got a bit sick of listening to Thomas McDoubting's whinging when we were on tour and guitarist Simon Simple was always cutting off fans' ears with his sword! Though now I'm married I suppose I'd better give the groupies a miss, Mary wouldn't like it - though I rather fancy her sister, Martha', and he finished his bottle of wine and reached for another one.

'You know', he said, using his Walmarticus corkscrew to try and open it, 'when we did that gig in Jerusalem that time we had a great party afterwards! We - shit, can't get this bloody cork out - yeah, we had a huge buffet laid on, gallons of wine and loads of bread and everything, then Peter started ranting at me about Mary, said she shouldn't be hanging around the band all the - come on, open, ya b*****d! - time. 'Shit, man, she's my baby!', I told him, but him and the others all just use the groupies and have no regular girls of their own.'

'And I told them all that if anything should happen to me then Mary was to be the band's new singer, and some Italian artist did a quick painting of the party as a present for us all. But Mary told me later that she doesn't really want to sing with the band, so will just emigrate to France if my career suddenly ends.'

Mary O'Magdalena is the daughter of very wealthy parents and married Jesus and is already expecting a child to him. As a singer she has become something of a cult figure in France and Spain, with whole churches there dedicated to her as a sort of embodiment of a virtuous and chaste woman, though the newspapers in Britain and Germany falsely once claimed she was a prostitute and had to pay her substantial damages in a libel case made against them by her lawyers, Bethany, Tiffany and Epiphany.

'Yeah', Jesus said, 'those f*****s said she was a call girl or some such nonsense, hardly adds up with all the loot she has stashed away and her rich parents, does it? But mugs will believe anything if they're told it enough times, many actually believe I'm not Jewish. Duh!'

'And some sort of blue-eyed - right, that's it! I'm dying for a snifter', and the singer waved his hand over the bottle and the cork magically jumped out of it and into a nearby waste papyrus bin. 'Shit, these miracles are handy when you can't get a bottle of Good Samaritan wine open. Ahhh, that's better. Any more questions?', but there weren't so the interview ended.

Whether Jesus becomes a solo artiste or not his career has already had a major impact on the world, though many of his fans now mistakenly believe that the fictional 'We Need To Hijack The Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox (To Make Money Out Of Them)' song is about his real life, though of course Jesus is a human being and a singer, and a heavy drinking married man and a father.

The rest of The Disciples band are unsure how their careers will go if he leaves them, but drummer Peter Best is already in negotiations with Roman media entrepreneur Constantine Emperor to try and get their concept album turned into a fake religion across the Roman Empire.

And here are the words to the song 'We Need To Hijack The Winter Solstice and Spring Equinox (To Make Money Out Of Them)' :

'Hey Joe, don't make it up
Take a solstice, and make it better
Remember, that Easter was a god
Then you can start, to get far richer

Hey Joe, don't be afraid
You were meant to, tell lots of pork pies
The minute, that you ignore everything
That Jesus taught, you'll start all the lies

And any time you feel the strain
Hey Joe, refrain
From telling the world that he was Jewish
For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
But wears a skirt and often's Polish

Na na na na, na
Na na na na

Hey Joe, you let us down
You have money, and you have gold bars
So keep them, and polish them at night
Then you can start, to feel much richer

Hey Joe, don't help the poor
Take a big lie, and make it better
Remember, that Jesus did not die
On any cross, that was just Mithra

Na, na na, na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Joe

Na, na na, na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Joe
(Joey Joey Joey Joey, you're a Nazi)

Na, na na, na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Joe

Na, na na, na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Joe
(Saints' Days are all pagan ones)'

Words by His Silliness Herr Joe di Parmaggio. Music by Nun The Wiser. Mixed by Monsignor H. Olocaust De Nier. Produced by Phoeble Baloney of KeepTheRomanEmpireGoingThruReligion Ltd.

Jesus Christ and The Disciples are:

Jesus Christ: vocals
Simon Simple: guitars, lutes, sitars
Thomas McDoubting: bass
'Saint' Peter Best: drums, percussion

Matthew Taxcollector: Haifa organ, piano, backing vocals
Luke Duke: banjo, mandolin, violin
John Alkievich: flute, clarinet, oboe, Jerusalem harp
Saul Tarsus: spoons

Simon Zealot: semi-acoustic guitar with distorted feedback
Martha Mydear: performing silver beatles choir conductor
James Christ: second fiddle

And guest Mary O'Magdalena: vocals, backing vocals

Jesus Christ and The Disciples are managed by Porkie Pies Inc. of Rome. Jesus Christ and The Disciples' fan club is at: Vatican House, 1 Via di Fascisti e Nazis, Roma. Italia.

Tel: 666 666 666. No Protestant calls please, as that might bring some adult intelligence into the absurd Christian religion that's all made up nonsense, and can be easily proved as such.

One Born Every Minute Records

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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