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Friday, 12 February 2010

image for NASA uses Indian HELP DESK support Shuttle "CLOUDFLOP" had successful launch.

During a recent labor dispute NASA Mission Control technicians went on strike while Shuttle "Cloudflop" was still in orbit. The space agency outsourced its HELP DESK to a company in India.

During re-entry a serious problem developed.

Here is a transcript of the request for help.

User CLOUDFLOP has entered room

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 12:40:18 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

We have a serious problem. It appears out landing gear will not deploy. Please advise ASAP.

Analyst Axel has entered room.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:47:06 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Hello CLOUDFLOP, Thank you for contacting NASA Live Chat Support. My name is Axel. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:47:11 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Sorry for the inconvenience. I understand that you are having troubles with this issue. I assure you that I will do my best to resolve this.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:48:17 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

No worries, I am more willing to help you with this.


CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 12:40:18 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Please hurry. If the gear doesn't deploy we will burn up upon re-entry.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:48:17 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

No worries, I am more willing to help you with this.


CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 12:48:13 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I am glad you're not worrying. We are.


Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:49:02 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Please tell me the status of the landing gear. What does your instrument panel say?

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 12:50:06 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Hang on a minute. It says "Landing Gear Won't Deploy. Possible Fatal Situation.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:50:30 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Please take your time.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 12:53:56 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

They also say "Megdrop 203, Pancan 80, Roll 360 degrees, Yaw, 72 degrees, SysStat, Not Available. Do data."

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:54:22 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I don't understand what that means. No worries. Are a lights lit?

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:55:30 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Many!

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:56:12 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

How about other lights?

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:56:18 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

All dark. We are rolling out of control. Can't regain level flight.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:57:04 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

May I know if they are connected to a working power outlet?

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:58:02 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

You idiot. This is the Space Shuttle. We don't connect to a power outlet. We are 260 miles in space.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:59:16 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Nice View, Yes, CLOUDFLOP?

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 12:59:30 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

So do you have an extension cord? Please no worry.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:00:02 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Hey jerk, now we are loosing cabin pressure!

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:01:56 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

May I know if your computer is connected to Ground Control, CLOUDFLOP?

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:02:44 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Asshole, they are on strike. That's why I'm talking to you.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:02:58 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Sorry to hear, but no worry. Please check try to plug and unplug all wires and secure the wires that they are tightly connected to each device.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:04:11 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Are you nuts? We have 36,457 wires and connectors.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:06:19 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Please press the reset button at the back of the shuttle, CLOUDFLOP.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:06:53 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Reset button?

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:07:12 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Yes, under the rudder. You need to do a space walk. Please take your time.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:11:20 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Spacewalk! No time. Out of control. Now at 200 miles and falling fast. We continue to spin out of control.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:12:13 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

May I know how many computers do you have? Pleased to help.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:13:42 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

We have two hundred twenty one. Only two working.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:14:18 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Is the toaster plugged in?

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:15:47 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

TOASTER?

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:17:10 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Yes, Mrs. Beecham.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:17:16 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I can see it here in your account. Good you have service plan.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:17:57 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

TOASTER! MRS. BEECHAM? WHAT THE HELL?

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:18:14 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time))

Sorry for that. I also do customer service for Sunbeam Appliances. Pleased to help you.

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:19:09 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I don't understand. Please help US!

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:19:53 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

She can't toast her bagels. Babies are crying. Very unhappy lady. Please wait. No worry. Please be patient.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:20:59 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

She is all set. Change to whole wheat bread. Very healthy. How may be of assistance CLOUDFLOP.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:21:01 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Give us technical advice on how we can land safely.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:22:23 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

May I know when did this problem happen?

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:23:04 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Ten minutes ago. We are now at 175 miles.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:24:27 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I sincerely apologize for this matter. I can help. Not to worry.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:24:47 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

We first need to check if your modem is not on standby mode.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:25:09 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Is there a label that says standby mode? Is the light lit?

CLOUDFLOP(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:27:28 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Modem? We don't have a modem!

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:28:45 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I can see here that your internet connection is disconnected.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:29:21 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Internet? We don't connect to the internet shithead. We use NASA InsatNetEncryped!

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:30:38 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Let me check in your notes. You cannot use Comcast with INE. Did you buy service plan?

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:32:48 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I have not seen any information in your notes. No worry.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:33:21 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Let me double check.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:33:46 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time))> We are now at 150 miles and shuttle is beginning to smoke badly. Wings are glowing!.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:37:12 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Yes, I will check on your service plan if it is good. I'm pleased to help.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:42:10 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Sorry CLOUDFLOP. Cannot find service plan. May not be able to help. But no worry.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:43:15 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Just give us some advice of fixing this problem. Now at 100 miles. Lost portside wing.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:45:05 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Let me make a report for this, CLOUDFLOP.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:45:52 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

What does that mean? We are all going to die.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:47:54 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

No worry, CLOUDFLOP, to help you with this one I will escalate a ticket for you to a higher department to help you with this.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:48:00 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Let me process it for you.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:48:15 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

I sincerely apologize for your Shuttle problem.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:48:32 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Will it be in time to save us? Now at 75 miles. Lost other wing.

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:49:50 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Let me process this first so that a technician will go to your Shuttle and fix your problem.

CLOUDFLOP (Mon Feb 08 2010 13:50:42 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

Come to the Shuttle? We are diving...all flames...(COMMUNICATIONS BREAKING UP)...fuck...shi...(SILENCE)

Axel(Mon Feb 08 2010 13:51:11 GMT-0500 (Eastern Standard Time)

May I know if you have tried to powercycle your modem?

Analyst Axel has been temporarily disconnected. Please wait while the analyst attempts to reconnect.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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