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Monday, 4 April 2005

Sandpoint, ID – Betty Schnooker, housewife and PTA Member, claims to have ‘seen God’ while watching her hamsters, Abraham and Isaac, frolicking in the woodchips.

“I was going through a really rough time,” Betty said, burning insence by the hamster cage. “And then, Abraham crawled into the woodchips and fell asleep and I was like ‘oh my God…I totally see God in that! You know, that I’m protected…like my hamster is…by his wood chips.’”

Schnooker also claims that she saw God while at a Chipendales Performance in Boise, Idaho. While sticking a twenty-dollar bill in the g-string waistband of a particularly well-built “Latino dream”, Schnooker says that she saw God in the “sweat soaked pecs and firm buttocks” of the dancers.

“I saw the beauty and wonder of God’s creation in that moment,” Schnooker said.

These seemingly innocent displays of spirituality, however, have stirred a great deal of controversy. Pope John Paul II attributes a worldwide increase in what he calls “Satan’s chicken soup for the soul”, or pantheistic relativism, to Schnooker’s new found spirituality; The Southern Baptist Convention has staged protests outside the Schnooker residence, holding signs saying: “If He ain’t in church, He ain’t nowhere!”

Even Jehovah – the God Almighty- has made his outrage known.

God countered Schnooker’s claims, saying “You’ll find me in many places - like the Eucharist, the Ark of the Covenent, the ink with which the Bible is printed, the church collection plate or the hands of Benny Hinn, but you’re certainly not going to find me in the well-toned glute of an exotic male dancer.”

The increase in what God calls “a terrible corruption of my all powerful, ominipresent artistic image” has local ministers worried as well.

“You know, this could lead to a complete upheavel in Christendom,” local Baptist Minister Chuck Harley said. “I mean, if people start thinking that God can be found in strip bars or hell, or somewhere other than church…. well, I can just kiss my new house in a gated subdivision goodbye!”

John Schnooker, Betty’s husband and a local highschool philosophy teacher, says that Betty’s newfound spirituality is putting a strain on their marriage.

“Besides seeing God in the handsome young postman,” John said, doing quotation mark symbols with his fingers when saying ‘seeing God’. “Betty’s new religious philosophy has gotten us numerous threatening phone calls from the Vatican.”

“I also think that the Vatican is behind the outrageously expensive collect calls that are supposedly from my Dad…who hasn’t actually spoken to me in twenty years,” John adds.

God has cancelled all appearances for the next few months to work on this burgeoning public identity crisis.

“This pantheistic dribble is corrupting the media image I’ve worked so hard to obtain, God said to local news correspodant, Karen Eisses. “Look, I was constantly threatning the Hebrews with withdrawing my presence. If people start thinking I’m everywhere, I’ll start to become old news and my celebrity appearances won’t be worth the cloud they rode in on.”

Pope John Paul II, God’s Publicity Manager, has countered additional claims of God’s presence in the following places:

· The DMV
· Visions induced by hallucinogens
· Caves in the Middle East
· France
· Sandy Patty Albums played backwards
· Images of the Virgin Mary in urinals

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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