LIFE AT THE MOORVIEW INSTITUTE:
THE LOONIES VISIT THE ZOO -
Edna Bitter's alarm clock went off at 5 a.m. as it does each morning. The Moorview Institute head of the office staff quickly got out of bed and walked into the bathroom.
She brushed her teeth and then stepped into the shower stall. She got back out when she noticed that she had forgotten to take off her black baby doll and matching black bikini thong.
Ms. Bitters was a very attractive woman whom the Moorview inmates had for the past three years named "Woman We Would Most Love To Help Search For Her G-Spot."
Nate Natural had once asked Ms. Bitters to marry him. She let him down easy and told him that she could not marry him because she was a lesbian. Of course Bitters was not a lesbian but she just told him that she was to discourage him.
Nate told her that he had nothing against people from Lebanon. Bitters told him that she was a lesbian not Lebanese. She stressed to him that she liked girls.
Nate told her that he liked girls to and remarked that it was sure quite a coincidence. Edna noticed that she was not going to get through to Nate so she changed her story and told him that she was in fact married and that her husband was a professional 400 pound wrestler who wrestled under the name, The Springfield Strangler.
Nate asked if she loved him. She replied that she loved him a lot. She was then asked if he satisfied her in bed. Bitters smiled and told Nate that Buffer, his real name, satisfied her in bed, on the living room floor, on the deck in the back of their house, on the kitchen table, and also in the backseat of their Toyota Cambry.
THE KNOCK ON MS. BITTER'S DOOR-
Just then someone knocked on Edna's door. It was Herbie, the Institutes bus driver. He informed Ms. Bitters that most of the patients were down in the lobby waiting to get on the bus that was going to take them to the Chicago Zoo.
She thanked him and went and met the group in the institutes lobby. Phineas Barger was the first one she saw. Phineas went up to her and showed her a cute little figurine he had made out of about 45 inches of duct tape. He handed it to her and she held it and studied it for a few minutes.
She had no earthly idea what in the world it was. She finally asked him, "Tell me Phin, what is this lovely cute little creation of yours?"
Phin's eyes got big and he answered, "Well Miss Edna, I don't really know its proper name, but I just use it to keep my penis warm at night."
Ms. Bitters quickly handed him back the duct tape figurine.
Next Nate went up to her and asked her for some gum. She took out a stick of Wrigley's Juicy Fruit and gave it to him. He quickly took it and asked if she wanted it back when he got through with it. She told him that he could keep it and not to worry about giving it back.
He smiled and asked her if he could stick it inside his ear when he had finished chewing all the sugar out of it. Ms. Bitters told him that it would be unhealthy if he stuck the gum in his ear. He agreed and asked if he could then stick it up his (blank).
Ms. Bitters softly asked if he had forgotten what had happened the last time he had done that.
"The biscuit prongs?" He asked.
"Yes, the biscuit prongs." Bitters replied.
Nate then told her that he would just swallow it like he does with Fruit Loops, marshmallows, toothpaste, and shirt buttons.
TIME TO GET ON THE BUS -
Herbie the bus driver told everyone to form a line so that they could board the bus for their trip to the zoo. General Electric a thin, scrawny man asked if they were going to have to stay with the animals overnight like they had done when Mr. Tittlemeister had driven them to the Bronx Zoo four years ago.
Herbie told them that he would not let them stay overnight at the zoo like Mr. Tittlemeister, who he assured them was now in prison, had done.
"And we won't have to eat goat pellets like last time?" Nate asked.
"No goat pellets" he was assured.
The institutes cook Boswell E. Krebbs had brought along some special brownies that his two granddaughters Lucy and Lacey had made the night before. The 17-year-old twins had agreed to accompany the patients on their trip.
Little Oscar, who was a little black midget and who also answered to the name Goliath told Ms. Bitters if he could go change his pants. Bitters looked down at the wet spot in the crotch of his jeans.
"Little O, did you pee in your pants again?"
"No ma'am. It was the General. That's the third time this week that the effen jerk has peed on me. He thinks it's funny. If he does it again, I'm gonna bite off his mutha effen pecker, but not in a gay way."
Eloise, the beautifully built 21-year-old West Coast sweety started laughing and said that she felt that she certainly had the highest IQ of the whole bunch.
Phineas asked her what the heck an IQ was. She told him that she wasn't sure but she thinks that it has to do with how far you can see. Phineas asked her to spell it.
"I-t" she said. She then apologized saying that it was just too easy. She then remarked that IQ is spelled just like it sounds 'e-y-e-q.'
Gertrude "Gertie" Helmuth, the 6 foot 8 inch guard who worked on the mens sexual deviant floor, went up to Eloise and remarked at how pretty she looked today.
Eloise thanked her and asked her if she thought that her Daisy Duke short shorts didn't look a little too tight or too short.
Gertie said that the shorts were perfect. She then asked Eloise if she had a boyfriend. Eloise answered that she didn't. Gertie then asked her if she wanted one.
"Who?" Eloise asked.
"Why me." Gertie replied.
"But you're a girl like me. Eloise replied rather puzzled."
Just then Dr. Melvin Lippshitz approached Eloise and remarked on how good she was looking.
Eloise beamed with joy as she spun around several times for the doctor to get a good look.
Eloise asked if he didn't think that she looked kind of dirty or vulgar.
"Absolutely!" He then caught himself and said that she did not look the least bit dirty or vulgar and that she reminded him of Elly Mae Clampett of the Beverly Hillbillies except only not as old, hickish, or tomboyish.
THE PAIRING OFF -
Edna Bitters and Dr. Lippshitz told everyone to pair off and get on the bus. Nate asked if it had to be boy-girl, boy-girl, or could it be boy-boy, girl-girl.
Dr. Lippshitz said that he did not care but that he had already paired off with Eloise. Gertie told the doctor that she wanted to be paired off with Eloise.
Lippshitz told her that she was just shit out of luck and Eloise was already taken and for her to go with her second choice.
Gertie paired off with Little O. Martha Hobbs the institutes librarian got together with Lucy Krebbs. Phineas Barger paired off with the other Krebbs twin, Lacey. Nate and General Electric formed a pair. And Edna Bitters paired off with Boswell Krebbs.
Luther the guard and Herbie the bus driver made the final couple.
CHICAGO: HERE WE COME -
The trip from Springfield to Chicago took a little over two hours. Herbie stopped once at a McDonald's so that everyone could eat some McNuggets and then he had to stop a total of seven more times for pee breaks.
The bus finally arrived at Chicago's Al Capone Zoo. Everyone got off and Ms. Bitters informed everyone that they were all to stay together, and to hold hands with their partner, and to not be sticking their hands through the bars to pet the animals; especially the lions, tigers, and panthers.
Nate said that the lions don't bite. Edna replied, "The hell they don't." Nate then told her that the General had told him that he would give him a nickel if he petted one of the lions."
Edna told Nate to hold the General's hand and start walking. Right away Nate said that there was no way that he was going to hold hands with the General. He said that he did not want anyone to get the wrong idea and think that they were Elton John and Adam Lambert.
Martha grabbed Lucy's hand. Lucy just smiled, not knowing that Martha had recently started to exhibit some hidden lesbian tendencies.
Lacey whispered to Ms. Bitters that she did not want to hold Phineas' hand because four times during the bus trip she had caught him playing with his little wienie. Edna told her that she totally understood and agreed with her.
Dr. Lippshitz grabbed a hold of Eloise's hand and asked her how she managed to keep her hands feeling so soft and smooth. Eloise smiled and told him that she has allergies and rarely uses a Kleenex.
THE AL CAPONE ZOO -
Edna paid the group admission fee and everyone got their hands stamped and proceeded to go inside. Nate told Ms. Bitters that the General had licked the ink off of his hand. She smiled and asked him what the ink tasted like. He thought for a moment and then told her that it tasted like a cross between Welch's Grape Jelly and canary shit.
As the group turned the corner the first animal exhibit that they came to was the zebras. Phineas yelled out, "Hey everyone look at the convict horses." The General said that they weren't convict horses. He said that they were inmate horses.
Nate said that they were both stupid because any stupid dummy could clearly see that they were actually prisoner horses.
Little O looked up at Gertie and told her that the three fellas were truly all flucked up cause they weren't even horses.
Gertie asked him what the hell they were then. Little O grinned and said that they were striped milk cows.
She told him that he was just a stupid little midget dwarf who probably had a tallywacker smaller than Jon Gosselin's.
Little O looked up at her and said that she was just a big gigantic woman with a very unpleasant smelling thingamajiggy (wim-wam?).
Next the group of mostly loonies came to the ostrich cage. Nate yelled out that it was the biggest damn friggin chicken he had ever seen. The General told him that it wasn't a chicken and that any fool could see that it was a duck.
Nate asked if it was a duck, how come it wasn't quacking. Phineas said because it was a mute duck. Lucy turned to Mrs. Hobbs and said that Phineas was one crazy ass dude. Martha just smiled and held Lucy's hand tighter.
Lucy told her that she really did not have to hold her hand and especially not that hard. Martha told Lucy that she had the prettiest blue eyes she had ever seen. Just then Little O noticed a polar bear.
He told Gertie that when he was little he had a pet polar bear. She asked him what happened to it. He looked up at her and told her that his father had barbecued it for his sixth birthday. Little O said that he remembers having cake, ice cream, and polar bear balls.
The General hollered out that, that was utterly disgusting. Little O said that he agreed because the damn cake was five months old.
Little O said that he recalls that he had told his dad that he wanted one of the wings and his father had laughed at him and told him that polar bears didn't have wings. He then told Little O "Catch" as he tossed him the two polar bear balls.
The next exhibit was the penguin enclosure. Edna had told the group that the temperature in the penguin enclosure was going to be 28 degrees Fahrenheit, so she told them not to be licking anything.
When the group went inside, right away Little O started screaming. Gertie asked him what in the world was wrong. He pulled his briefs out and asked her where the heck his pee pee had gone. She looked and told him that it looked like it had kind of left the premises so to speak.
He asked her if they could hurry up and go back outside because he hated being a girl.
Phineas asked Bitters why the penguins were dressed up in tuxedos. She replied because they were fashion conscious penguins.
Luther asked the penguin enclosure guide how one could tell the difference between a male penguin and a female penguin. The guide said that it was easy. "The girl penguins wear lipstick."
Luther turned to Herbie and said, "You see I told ya didn't I bitch."
Herbie handed over a dime, "Okay you win shit hips."
WHERE ARE NATE AND THE GENERAL? -
All of a sudden Edna noticed that they were missing Nate and the General. Dr. Lippshitz said that he and Eloise would go and look for them. Edna noticed that the bag of brownies, (special brownies, wink-wink) was missing.
Phineas said that he thinks he saw Nate put the bag in his underwear. Little O said that it was impossible because Nate stopped wearing underwear ever since Gertie had given him that super wedgie when he accidentally walked into her bedroom while she was giving Mrs. Hobbs a full frontal massage and an even fuller backal massage.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I know, I didn't think that backal was a word either, but I checked and it sure is.]
Dr. Lippshitz and Eloise finally found Nate and the General. They had somehow wandered off and gotten into the giraffe enclosure. The General had climbed up on the giraffe and was trying to get it to go.
The giraffe would not budge. The doctor noticed that Nate was underneath the giraffe and was jumping up and trying to kick it in the balls.
The General shouted out, "Come on Nate, just grab the giraffes 'nads with you hands they're clean." Nate yelled back that they weren't because they were covered in brownie icing.
The General hollered back that he meant that the giraffe's balls were clean, and that he could clearly see that his hands were dirty covered in dirt, mud, and brownie stains.
In the meantime Eloise had gone to find one of the zookeepers. The zookeeper quickly showed up and he told Nate to get his effen ass off of the giraffe.
Nate said that he didn't want to. Eloise started to worry that the giraffe might bite Nate. She asked the zookeeper to get his rifle and get ready to shoot.
The zookeeper reluctantly said "Okay, but I thought he was in y'alls party." Dr. Lippshitz asked, "You mean you were going to shoot the man?"
"Why hell yes. Have do you any idea how expensive these African giraffes are? Hell with the recession, inflation, and the high cost of throat lozenges, these babies are more expensive than a brand new Rolls Royce.
The General took of his right Nike tennis shoe and tossed it at Nate. It hit him on his nose and he let go of the giraffe and fell three stories to the ground.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: The giraffe is the second tallest giraffe in captivity standing a full 36 feet tall.]
Just then the zoo's curator arrived and wanted to know what the hell the crazy loon was doing in the giraffe enclosure. Right away the General remarked that his friend has always fantasized about being a giraffe and so he jumped in to mate with the giraffe.
The zoo curator informed him that the giraffe was a male.
"Dammit!" The General yelled out. "My partner is not only a sicko, but he is also a gay sicko. That's it I'm requesting a transfer when I get back to Moorview. I want to move into the Waldorf-Astoria."
The rest of the group caught up and Edna told them that they had all been invited to leave the zoo premises immediately since someone in their group, who shall go unnamed, had jumped into the giraffe enclosure and was trying to ride it.
Phineas asked "Who?"
And Little O said, "I think it was the General, cause his hands smell like giraffe pee."
The General said that he had just merely touched the giraffe's balls but Nate actually mounted it and tried to get it to gallop.
The Krebbs twins, Lucy and Lacey hollered out in unison, "Yuck that is just plain sick."
Their father Boswell Krebbs explained to them that by mounted, the General merely meant that Nate jumped on the giraffe's back and tried to ride it and not that he actually mounted it like a cowboy would do to a cowgirl.
Krebbs looked at Nate and asked "Right Nate?"
Nate looked down at the ground and replied, "Nopers, I'm one sick dufus, I was actually trying to make a baby giraffe."
Eloise and the Krebbs twins yelled out in semi-unison, "Eeeeeewwwww!"
Edna Bitters told everyone to start walking out towards the bus and not to touch anything on the way out.
Phineas asked, "Does that include my wiener?"