US President Barack Hussein Obama today wasn't invited to appear in UK television soap opera 'Eastenders', but as the planned script for her appearance in that episode had to be thrown into the bin - after being censored, of course, by TheFeeblechild.yawn - but this reporter managed to get a copy of it, and here it is:
'[scene: inside the 'Queen Vic' pub in Walcot, London. England. Where green and pleasant satire flows free]
Peggy Mitchell: 'Ere, isn't that American Prez comin' here today, Pheel?
Phil Mitchell: No idea, Mum, but we'd best not start satirising him or else them babies across the Pond might start crying about it
Peggy: Yeah, tell me somefink I don't know. When them Yan - I mean when them fine Americans arrived 'ere in 1943 they got a bit of a surprise when they found out that the English didn't want them 'ere, and that the English were quite capable of beating the Nazis without them
Phil: I know, but they 'ave to make movies about winning two World Wars they cowarded out of, it's laughable!
[Dot Cotton enters the pub]
Dot: Is it true that the American President Sir Barack O'Barmer is comin' 'ere today, Peggy?
Peggy: Yes, so I suppose we orta make lots of sangers and put on a good buffet for the plonker, whoever he is
Dot: 'E's the most powerful man in the world, Peggy, according to The Daily Enquirer
Peggy: Don't you talk about power, Dorofee Cotton, or else I'll 'ave to get my balding baby and redheaded midget sons in 'ere to fight and hargue! The American President has about as much power as them brothers do
[US President Barack 'Token' Obama enters the pub]
Obama: Point of bittah please and a bag of pawk scratchings. Oh, Hi, Pegs and Phil, how's it goin'?
Phil: Nobbut fair to middlin', me accent's soodenly gone all Yorkshire for no apparent reason, thah knaws, Yorkshire being part of England which is the country that invented the United States of America
Obama: I love England and the English people, and admire that they can take all criticism and satire without batting an eyelid. Not surprisingly, as their country was founded by the Picts, the Welsh, the Germans, the Dutch, the Danish and the Vikings, the most violent people in world history, unlike the USA, which was funded by rejects from England and has never managed to do a single interesting thing since 1776
Phil: Well, at least you have television and radios and cars - and none of them were American inventions. Why does the USA actually exist?
Obama: Don't ask me, I'd never heard of it until I emigrated there wiv me Mom
Peggy: 'Ere! Shouldn't we parody 'Eastenders' to make fun of Barry Obama for a larf?
Phil: Nah, they'll just send anyfink we write back to us just 'cos it makes fun of those feeble Yankees
Peggy: Tell me abart it! Every time I writes perfectly good and harmless satire about the USA it comes flying back as 'unsuitable'
Phil: Well, you know what them - them nice Americans are like, very mature and worldwise. Haha!
Obama: So what, sir, is the point of a website that professes to be satirical but is about as satirical as Katie Price's fake chest?
Phil: It means that lots of children can go on and on and on about fake chests
Obama: But that means there will be no spoofs, no lampoons and no satire in that place
Phil: An American worked it out in less than two hundred years! Well done, Mr. Omaha
Peggy: Time, please! [rings a bell] 'Aven't you got writing careers to get on wiv? Or are you just a bunch of adolescent Yankee twits that snigger about a world they know nothing about? And can't stand being larfed at?
Obama: Let me just say this. Waffle waffle dumb soundbite, idiot moron, Yankee twit with about as much brains as a cheese sandwich. Waffle, wave, grin, smile and wave, let's just hope that this 'article' that correctly portrays the USA as a nation of inbred morons with no power isn't censored. Again. Wonder why the world speaks English, French, Spanish, Russian and Chinese, and not American?'
Barack Obama is 12 tomorrow.
The day Americans control the British is the day the Americans achieve one thing. Let us know when you manage it, inbred gits that massacred the Red Indians and have achieved nothing in over 200 years. But at least you have a sense of humour. Well, you might get one one when you understand satire and stop trying to censor British humour, we invented you, duh!
[The USA is where the British and Europeans sent their idiots to, but think they can get the better of the British and Europeans. Barack Obama is a joke]