"Greetings Earthlings," said a strange green figure wielding a gun.
Ronnie and Reggie Crayfish looked on, then Reggie lifted a small black device of his own and pushed a button. The alien vanished.
"I hate fucking sci-fi films," he said, flicking through channels for something else to watch.
His wife Ronnie (actually short for Ronaldetta) agreed. "What are they on about, blooming aliens? There's no such fing!"
The couple lived a simple life in their mobile home in Essex. Their home was of course not mobile at all, rather propped up on bricks. It wasn't much of a home either. Most days they ate leaf soup or bark soup or sometimes berries from the local Effing Forest. Occasionally they would catch a wild jogger, but as Reggie always said, "There ain't much meat on them bones."
Once they were lucky enough to discover the remains of a paedophile who had been lynched and hanged in a tree, but they decided it wouldn't have been morally right to eat all of him, so they just took a leg.
As if in response to Ronnie's earlier comment about there being no such thing as aliens, there was suddenly a dazzling flash of light outside their window.
"What was that?" asked Ronnie.
"Probably them doggers again. Let's leave them alone. We don't want to be forced to join in again."
Unbeknown to the dim-witted couple, an alien spacecraft from the planet Fnar had just landed outside their home. The craft was about the size of a large ambulance, and also had large flashing lights. On the front it had the letters "Alien spaceship" written in backwards writing. But apart from that, it looked surprisingly similar to the Crayfish's mobile home.
A humanoid being with a huge nose left the craft and looked around cautiously. He looked very human indeed, and in the dim evening light it would have been impossible to tell that he was not from this Earth. He ran over to the Crayfish's front door and knocked.
"Oh fuck!" said Reggie, getting up. He called out as he walked towards the door, "We're not interested! It took forever for my wife to wash the come out of her hair last time." He opened it and looked at the alien.
"Are you doggers?" he asked.
"No," said the alien. "My name is Captain, and I wonder if you can help me."
"Help you? How?"
"My spaceship has broken down and I wondered if I can borrow parts from yours."
Reggie thought for a minute then said, "Hang on a minute, I'll just go and get the keys." Then he closed the door.
"Ronnie! Some nutter here finks we have a spaceship. What the fuck do I do?"
"Does he look skinny?"
"Then let's kill him. I haven't had meat in months. Invite him in, and I'll hide behind the door and get him with the chainsaw."
"But the chainsaw doesn't work."
"Then I'll whack him over the head with it, you fucking dumb tit!"
The Crayfish prepared themselves. Reggie opened the door again and let in the alien, beckoning him towards the sofa. The plan worked perfectly. Ronnie smashed the broken chainsaw across his skull and it split open.
The alien fell to the ground and a puddle of green blood formed on the floor around him.
"Here, Ronnie. That don't look right."
"Oh shut up you fat twat, let's chop him up and put him in a pot."
So after crossing half the galaxy to seek intelligent life, the alien's first and last night on Earth was spent being butchered, boiled and eaten by a couple of fat scrounging cannibals from Essex.