Written by matwil
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Wednesday, 3 February 2010

image for Inspector Clouseau becomes a guide in The Louvre Sense of humour bypass operation

'And 'ere, ladies and a gentlemens, is the display of ancient Egyptian mummies, my mummy is zee one on zee left next to that huge McDonald's sign. Passing on to this stuffed bird we see that it hees a kerry katonae from Iceland, and next to it is what many scientistes believe is the missing link between humans and apes, homo rooney. And now - come on, come on, 'urry up, espece des cochons anglais! - now we see an old relic from European civilisation, the famous Obama baby.'

'The Obama babies had huge teeth and sucked their thumbs a lot and talked about - how you say - egalite? Equal rights, oui, babyish merde that only babies and American adults would be interested in, so naturallement the Obama babies became extinct outside of Les Etats Unis.'

'C'est tragique, ha ha ha, I mean n'est-ce pas. And 'ere ees the carefully preserved coffin of American democracy filled with fixed votes and a waxwork model of Georges Orang-u-tan, 'the baboon of Texas', who spent 8 years making the world laugh so much and turned the USA into the laughing stock of the world, si, c'est vrai!'

'Next to the baboon is Leonardo da Vinci's famous painting 'The McMona O'Lisa', picturing the artist himself eating French fries - hah! - and driving hees tractor into Paris to demand more Americanisation of this once proud and glorious nation, this republic to end all republics that we managed to run for about ten years before 'anding it over to zee fascist Napoleon Bonaparte,

zere must be something about republics that means they sooner or later get taken over by foreign leaders - France, Germany, the USA, maybe those British are not quite as deumb as they seem, by the Great Cheeses of Anatole!'

'Yes, 'deumb', what ees wrong with you? Can you not understand my perfectly good Eengleesh? I am not an American President! Now, this here ees the children's nursery that we call 'The Senate', where leetle boys and girls sit around talking infantile nonsense about a world they know nussing about. Health care reforms, winning wars, all the things that zee grown-ups outside The Senate do very easily but the children in The Senate only talk about.'

' And - not now, Cato! - and finally we have the - I warned you, Cato! Heeeeah! Hai! Oh no, I am falling into a 1700s time warp and becoming a citizen of the USA! Aaagghhhhh ...', and M. Clouseau's place as Louvre tour guide was taken over by his stand-in, Georges G. Bushe.

'Heck!, the clownin' around sure ends now Ah's in charge. Where's Dad? OK, let's see, where the hell am I? Hey, look at them mumbles, like somethin' out of a Scooby Dooby show or something. Sheeit, Scooby Doo was my heroic hero when I was growin' up, except I never did, him and that stoner Thingy always runnin' away from trouble just like me.'

'When those Alkies bombed the Thin Towereds I did just what they would've done and ran away in my jet and got hold of a few Scooby Snacks to chill out with. Man, you wouldn't believe what a hot babe Condi was after a few of them snacks! Woohoo, she was one sexy baby!'

'And now we're in the history section of this fine mausoleum in Paris, Texas, so there's nothin' I can tell you about it as I can't even spell 'hissing - histon - hiz' - well, ya know what I mean. Aha, McDonalds! Shit, now I feel at home like Ah's in the land of the fries again! Hey, honeychile, give me a Big MacMoronic and a Popsi, will ya, and Dad's payin' for it. Dad? Where the hell has he gone, without him I just turn into a gibbering child that can't even eat food without choking on it.'

The Louvre is currently working on two new sections to be opened soon for the mugs - for the public that go to visit it, an authentic British fish'n'chip shop with spotty youths hanging around its doors and a tiny glass case featuring the achievements so far of the United States of America. Which will be empty.

The French and Americans must only exist to make the British feel superior to them. Not that that's difficult. And let's just hope this isn't the two hundredth article returned as 'unsuitable' for this website to its writer this week - so much for the uncensored worldwideweb, why not have a children's website where no-one gets offended or bursts into tears about articles written by satirists making fun of the USA?

Funny how all articles putting the boot into the UK are never censored ... maybe the British are grownups and can laugh at themselves. Pass me that diaper, mommie.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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