Tony Rabbit woke up one morning and said to his friend Cherie 'You know, um, well - um, I think I'll go to Chilcot Rabbit's tea party, then I can have a proper frank discussion about rabbits and dandelions, and constant directions about snails and spinaches of mass destruction', and Cherie yawned and answered 'Don't hurry back then', as she had had her eighty-fifth kitten last week which she had called 'Slimy', and was feeling a little sleepy.
And so Tony walked along Whitewash Lane and down the Easytime Steps then went past the Warcrime Farm, not noticing the thousands of people there yelling '125,000 Iraqi dead for oil, you war criminal liar!', for rabbits know nothing of such things, and soon he had arrived at Chilcot Rabbit's house.
'Please come in', Chilcot said to him, and he did, 'would you like a cup of tea?' 'Yes, please', and soon the two were sitting drinking tea and Chilcot asked Tony a few questions.
'Why have you come here?' 'To have a nice relaxing afternoon talking drivel to send you to sleep', Tony replied, and 'So did you think you were doing right in coming here, to blether pish for hours on end without me putting a single challenging question to you?', continued Chilcot.
'But of course', said Tony, 'I mean, I've nothing better to do. In 2003, when Cherie was bored with my lies - again! haha - I told her that, in essence, I had to remove myself but without actually saying it was removing myself but, although it had nothing to do with me, I somehow felt that Farmer Saddam's scarecrow was a danger to rabbits thousands of, um, well, you know, miles away.'
'Blah blah blah blah blah?' 'Precisely. George told me - I mean I decided I could no longer accept such a scarecrow, and despite Dick - despite me being a grovelling syco - despite me not being in the slightest threatened by such a puppet, I made the decision to invade Saddam's farmland.' 'But but but but but but but?' 'Thank you for letting me continue my delusional lecture.'
'Yes, we believed that unless Saddam was removed then cheap turnips would freedom women's rights democracy danger 45 minutes lie after lie childish bullshit.'
'Did you at any time expect this feeble questioning that a child could do better at asking, Mr. Rabbit?' 'Of course I did, I pay you not to ask me grown-up questions, Chills! What did you expect, the Spanish Inquisition? Next easy question, please.' 'Does Cherie Rabbit hold the UK record for milking Legal Aid funds or is it Robert Maxwell?'
'Look, old chap, um, mistakes were made by Cherie, just like mistakes were made when I told endless porkie pies about Saddam and when I did that crooked property deal, but of course as long as American rabbits and sheep believe I'm Mr. Nice Rabbit then who cares? I make millions out of telling them all the sort of childish baloney those poor deluded people are so desperate to believe in.'
'But aren't you very popular in America?' 'Um, well, I - I suppose so, and thanks for mention it.' 'But - and of course this is a difficult question I'm slipping in, so has nothing to do with Saddam - but aren't you despised by British rabbits who think you're a sycophantic liar that did whatever America told you to, and turned this once fine English countryside into an embarrassing disgrace?'
'Yes. I mean no, hahaha, smarm smarm, waffle waffle, sweat sweat, we thought it looked like maybe perhaps we had to make a decision, lawyer talk meaningless drivel round and round the houses this inquiry will be over soon if I keep on talking sincere-sounding nonsense about nothing at all endlessly.'
'Well, Tony Rabbit, I think that's enough questions for you, as you look a bit tired. And we don't want little rabbits to have bad dreams about things, now do we? So off you go back home and here's a bag of sweets and a nice book for your bedtime', and Tony saw that the book was called 'Ickle Wickle Inquiries for Boys and Girls That All Lived Happily Ever After', and soon Tony was back at his house where Cherie was drinking milk out of the Legal Aid churn that arrived every day there.
'Hello, um, Cherie', he said to her. 'Had a nice time at Chilcot's?', she asked him, while rewriting The Daily News's article about her and Tony being crooks involved with Australian criminals that she had been reading. 'Yes, thank you, I, um, well, in hindsight I think that, well, the resolution meant that in essence there was -'
'Oh, belt up!', she snapped at him, 'save all that childish pish for inquiries, everyone knows you're a liar and a war criminal, now away and get the BBC to take everything you say as serious and 'statesmanlike', only they would listen to all the infantile garbage you spout!'
And sadly Tony Rabbit went back out and along Blitzkrieg Avenue then into the fields of Killing, where he was promptly eaten by a passing fox. 'You, um, well, haha, you know you have some choice in eating me but, and you had to make a decision regarding this, there had to be a decision made not based on right and wrong but based on -' and the fox went to find another feeble rabbit to devour and cunningly headed towards The White House on the Hill, where he knew lived even easier prey than Tony Rabbit.'
Other Beatrix Potter stories are: 'The Tale of George the Baboon', 'Dick Cheynington Goes to The Chemical Factory in London', 'Barack, The Little Child Who Was Scared of Iran', and 'Tony Rabbit Tells Endless Porkie Pies'.
There are also the boxed sets 'The End of the Labour Party, and Tony Rabbit's Part in its Downfall', 'Tony Rabbit Grovels Yet Again', 'Tony Rabbit Grins Yet Again Like A Sheep Needing A Good Dentist', and 'Tony, the Rabbit That Said 'Um'.'
All published by Liarre and Warkrim, Shaftethetaxpayer Avenue, London. No prices, as all are worthless.