I know what you're thinking: another one of those stupid quizzes with even more stupid scenarios to supposedly decipher whether or not you are a screaming racist, right?
That's right! It's the only way to tell. Just asking you whether or not you consider yourself a Nazi will most likely, make you run and hide your nationalistic tendencies where the sun can't get at them.
Take the test, and discover if you, too, should join Nick Griffin's boys.
1. You are browsing around the stores in your local shopping centre, when you encounter a large gathering of black youths playing their stupid rap and hip-hop music out of a large ghettoblaster. They are all wearing black clothing, tons of jewellery, hoodies and baseball caps perched so high on their heads, that the space underneath could be used to store furniture. Do you:
a) Think to yourself "Live and let live; it's just their culture"
b) Turn around and walk the other way, muttering something inaudible about 'fucking niggers'
c) Anxiously fumble around for the penknife in your pocket that you propose to protect yourself with
d) Go home and log on to the BNP website, and pay your annual subscription fee that you had forgotten about
2. You and your wife are watching the BBC Six O'Clock News, when it is reported that a gang fight between black youths in South London has ended with the deaths, by stabbing, of two 15-year-old boys. Are your first words:
a) "Where's me tea?"
b) "Only two?"
c) "Two down, a million to go!"
d) "Jungle bunnies!"
3. You are in the market, and notice that a disproportionate number of the traders appear to be 'of foreign extraction'. Do you:
a) Remark happily to your wife that you should be celebrating the cultural diversity modern-day Britain enjoys
b) Decide there and then to never again visit this market on the grounds that it stinks of curry, and is probably overrun by rats that don't speak English
c) Keep schtum because you are worried that if you say something, hundreds of hitherto-unseen Pakis will rush out of nowhere brandishing baseball bats
d) Go to the nearest petrol station and buy a can of petrol and a box of matches
4. You have to visit the doctor because of your bad back, and, on being shown into the physician's surgery, are surprised to discover that the 'good doctor' is from Africa. Do you:
a) Wish the colourful doctor a cheery "Good morning!"
b) jump into your wife's arms and scream
c) tell him to stand back, or you'll call the cops
d) make monkey noises, and scratch your armpits vigorously
Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed taking the test, and that you answered the questions truthfully. If you didn't, you were only lying to yourself.
I'm afraid, however, no matter what your answers were, you are a screaming racist, because the word 'racism' is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as "the belief that there are characteristics, abilities, or qualities specific to each race."
Therefore, by merely thinking something about someone that is in line with the definition provided by the OED, makes you a racist. Don't argue, it's there in black and white.
For example, thinking that 'all Africans are black' is being particularly generalistic about the good folks of that continent, and would place you in the category outlined by the OED.
Similarly, expecting to be able to smell garlic on all Indian people is a beacon-like indicator that you believe Indians, specifically, have that characteristic, and renders you, unfortunately, a racist. Even if it's true.
Got you again? I thought so. When you see Muslims in the street, do you think 'BOMB!'? Wrong. You shouldn't do that. Although some Muslims do have a craving for separating their bodies into tiny pieces by detonating themselves in markets, NOT ALL have this hobby, and you should avoid thinking that they do.
So you see, despite what you think about yourself, and no matter how hard you try to be a non-racist, it's a bit tricky, isn't it? You want to do the right thing, and 'love thy neighbour', but those pesky little ingrained and inherited prejudices at the back of your mind are getting in the way, aren't they? Don't worry, it's not your fault.
It's been in your family for generations.