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Wednesday, 27 January 2010

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The Federal Government is hiring at a record pace. Initially that might seem a good thing in this distressed economy but it brings along some negative baggage.

Specifically, these new hires are often not fully trained in the subtleties and nuances of public service. To that end the Office of Employment and Budget has began teaching classes for these recruits at various locations throughout the United States and Territories. We have obtained a copy of the curriculum and reproduce its summary for you below.


Welcome to the US Government, the greatest obfuscation enterprise ever seen on the face of the earth. You are now an integral part of the world's only super power and will be wielding a small amount of that power in your daily employment; aiding your fellow citizens to live and enjoy the full fruits of our great democracy.

I know you will enjoy your time with us here and wish you well in your classes.

Thank You For Serving
Morris Pismire
Czar of Public Relations

Schedule of Instruction:

I. In Office Conduct With Your Fellow Public Servants.

A. Developing that inner clock for break time, lunch and closing time.

B. How to have your lunch order and news ready for the Office Concierge,Tattle Tale Terry's daily gossip walk.

C. Displaying proper political advertising when desk drawers are open.

D. Start a card chain for dead grandmas, new babies, graduations, etc.

E. Read items on bulletin board with interest and take a tear off phone number tab.

F. Make sure computer screen saver presents a green message.

G. Talk , poor mouth about high cost of ?, lack of benefits.

H. Always have bowel movements during office hours.

I. Refuse to start a new job ofter 10 A M on Friday as "to near the weekend".

J. Proclaim your love of diversity. Embrace all religions, ethnicities. Claim to be of Visigoth heritage.


II. Interaction With the Public and Taking Charge of Your Counter Position

A. Averting Eyes from clients, no matter the distraction of knife fights or gun fire.

B. Unlocking your counter drawer.

C. Placing the Tools On The Counter. Stapler, Rubber stamp with "REJECTED" label facing window to client, manual of regulations pertaining to your particular agency/board/commission, etc.

D. Maintaining look of disinterest when addressing the client after performing preliminaries.

E. Take stack of client's paper work while exhibiting look of disbelief at his/her ignorance.

F. Examine papers and return them brusquely while asking for... pick one as appropriate:
Census Tract Number
Tax Map Reference
Situs Addressing
Land Use Map Reference
Recorded Plat Number with Liber and Folio
Warranty Deed, Title Deed, Secured Deed.
Zoning Classification
Planning Office Development Status
Receipt for Current Taxes Paid
Notification of
Fire Department
Environmental Protection
Fish and Wild Life
Agricultural Commission
Native American and Aboriginal Artifacts
Curatorial Institution Alert and Survey
Public Health
County, State, Bureau Engineer
Septic Tank Awareness Office

G. Locking Drawer and Taking Paperwork to Your Supervisor
Give reason supervisor refuses to okay the request, lack of form xx, historical district?

Using this ploy to grab a smoke or snort.


III. Final Instruction

Note this is often feared by students and rumors of it abound. No need, just persevere and prevail.

A. A large glass tank filled with water contains a facsimile of a typical government office. Complete with counter, desks and waiting room it will be instantly familiar.

With your re-breathing apparatus you will be able to use this wonderful new training tool, "walking under water", to simulate the pace you should maintain when walking and moving about behind the counter.

IV. Commencement and Graduation
A. Short power point presentation featuring Czar Pismire with exhortations to excel.
B. Awarding of diplomas.
Remember to use that underwater pace when going forward to receive your sheepskin!

V. Congratulations

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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