It's a question I know many people will have pondered over at some time in their lives, and even the good readers of TheSpoof.com will have had times when they have experienced doubts over their own sexuality, and asked themselves: Am I gay?
In today's strange world, it's easy to imagine that homosexuality is a normal thing, accepted, fashionable even, and that being gay is as regular as bears shitting in the woods. But wait a moment. Are you really sure that being gay is normal? I mean, putting your cock in another man's areshole and thrusting it back and forth until the cows home home. Or, at least, until your wife comes home.
Maybe you're not gay after all. In order to find out, we've compiled a little quiz for you to do, to set your mind at rest. Have fun, and good luck. We hope you're not a fag!
1. You are at the local swimming baths. You've had your swim, and are now having a shower. The gentleman next to you has a penis the length and rigidity of a Cadbury's Curly Wurly. Do you:
a) turn away, embarrassed
b) stare at it endlessly
c) stare at it endlessly, unashamedly and lovingly
d) bend down and suck it
2. You have been unfortunate enough to have been jailed for two weeks for an unpaid parking ticket, and have been placed in a cell with a raving gaylord who speaks about nothing else apart from his gayness. Do you:
a) batter him
b) tell him that you are not gay, and ask him to stop talking
c) tell him to stop talking
d) bend down and suck his cock
3. You are at home watching TV when the doorbell rings. When you answer it, a man stands on the doorstep asking you to sign a petition for even more Gay Rights. Do you:
a) tell him to go away
b) tell him you sympathise, but that you loathe homosexuals, and would happily have them thrown on bonfires
c) invite him to "come back next week"
d) bend over and tell him to "come on in"
4. You are watching the Saturday night National Lottery Show with gay host Dale Winton. After every double entendre he smarmily utters, Winton casts a sideways glance at the camera, accentuating his gayness, and making you fully aware that he is a Rear Admiral. Do you:
a) change channels
b) tell your children not to take any notice of the double entendres, and advise them that "the mister is poorly"
c) admire him for his honesty and openness
d) start fondling your penis
5. You answer your mobile, and the caller asks, in a very camp voice, for 'Buster'. This is not you, and you realise that the caller has dialled a wrong number. Do you:
a) tell him he has a wrong number
b) ask him where he's calling from
c) ask him if he's gay
d) give him your address, and tell him to get a move on, because you've already got a hard-on
Try to answer the questions honestly, in spite of any guilty feelings you might have, and make a careful note of your responses.
If you have answered (d) to any of the questions, there is no doubt about it: you are a fucking queer.