THE MOORVIEW INSTITUTE'S CRAZY BIRTHDAY PARTY
The Stanley and Doris Moorview Institution and Asylum for The Criminally Insane and Mentally Disturbed located in Springfield, Illinois, was the scene of one of the strangest, craziest birthday parties in the history of birthday parties.
The party was held in honor of 6 foot 8 inch, 350 pound Men's Sexual Deviant Floor guard Gertrude "Gertie" Helmuth.
Gertie, as the asylum's resident loonies and loonettes call her was celebrating her 47th birthday.
And it was only the third birthday since coming to America from her native Bulgaria where she had gained notoriety as being one of the greatest female Bulgarian weight lifters ever.
Helmuth even surpassed Sofia Varnablagg who held the Bulgarian weight lifting record for 12 years until this past New Years Eve when she was disqualified after taking and failing her third gender determination test.
Sofia managed to barely pass the first two gender tests, but when she took a third gender test, she failed it. The Bulgarian Olympic Committee pointed out that what Varnablagg cheerfully referred to as her big over sized clitoris was in reality a little male wiener.
The BOC also noted that her G-spot unlike the G-spots of the average European woman had hair follicles which were tested and found to contain high traces of the male sex hormone testosterone.
A BOC spokesperson stated that Ms. Varnablagg's DNA was also found to contain vast amounts of the chemical Fiffawisk 5,000, which is the ingredient found in male mustache hairs, nose hairs, and scrotum hairs.
Varnablagg was reportedly quite upset, but not anywhere near as upset as 'his' lesbian fiancée, Inger Plevengritch.
Inger reportedly told a reporter for The Plovdiv Morning Shouter that she does not care what the BOC gender tests indicated, to her Sofia will always be Sofia, the woman with the fabulously sexy, erotic, and totally feminine set of tits that even Dolly Parton would be envious of.
The last time anyone heard from Sofia Varnablagg she, or rather he was working as a condom tester at the Heinrich Strudel Condom Testing Facility in Inchon, South Korea (no pun intended, suggested, or otherwise implied).
THE BIRTHDAY PARTY-GOERS
Meanwhile back at the L-Wing in Moorview's Martha Stewart Arts and Crafts Room the birthday party-goers were milling around wondering exactly where the big birthday girl was.
Edna Bitters head of the Moorview office staff said that Gertie had texted her stating that she was caught in traffic behind a truck transporting emu's and would be arriving in about 10 minutes.
The institutes cook Boswell E. Krebs had created a 6 foot 8 inch tall birthday cake in the likeness of Gertie. The cake was amazingly exact down to Gertie's protruding body veins, exaggerated neck muscles, and her somewhat obvious crotch package.
Ms. Bitters told the party revelers that the birthday girl was on her way. One of the patients, Belvis Pressley, who has a rag doll named Max, told her that Max was getting very hungry and asked her if he could take one of the birthday cake candles and feed it to Max.
Bitters replied by saying "Effen hell no!" and added that rag dolls do not eat birthday candles. Belvis angrily remarked that Max in not your average ordinary rag doll and that he not only eats birthday candles but also loves to ingest second-hand bagpipes, candelabras, and discarded sneakers as well.
Another patient, Phineas Barger, who has the habit of duct-taping his institute name tag to his forehead, as well as running with scissors while yelling "weeeeee" screamed out that he needed some damn cake and that he needed it now.
A tall scrawny patient, who goes by the name of General Electric went up to Barger, clicked his boot heels and told him that he would have to be patient (NPI) like all of the other cake hungry patients or else he would have him arrested, placed in military handcuffs, and shot at sunrise or sunup, whichever comes first because he forgets.
Barger quickly sat down on the floor, after the general lifted up his shirt and showed that he had a bazooka stuffed down the front of his pants.
Eloise Altoids, a 21-year-old stunningly attractive and luscious tata's-endowed student from the Left Coast asked the general if he wasn't afraid that the bazooka would accidentally go off, shooting the ever-livin' hell out of his 'Little General.'
My 'Little General?' He asked puzzledly.
"Well, if by my 'Little General' you mean my penis erectolis ipso facto, then let me just say that it is so big and hard that it can withstand a direct hit from a regulation Korean War bazooka like the one I have sticking down in the front of my pants which, by the way, I ordered off of eBay for the amazingly low price of only $87,000 plus 15 cents shipping and handling."
The institutes librarian, Mrs. Hobbs, had fainted when she heard the words big and hard.
Belvis walked over to the floor where Mrs. Hobbs was lying and he stuck his rag doll Max in her mouth to give her CPR.
Nate Natural, another patient, yelled out to Belvis that his stupid rag doll Max was not qualified to give Mrs. Hobbs or even another stupid rag doll CPR.
Natural informed them that he would instead get his imaginary little friend, "Mr. Elmo" to get Hobby, as he called her, back on her size 11-D feet by ever-so-gently blowing on her mons pubis.
Nate had been in solitary confinement because two weeks earlier during the weekly intimate body cavity search, the institutes administrator had found that Natural had somehow managed to stick several items up his (blank).
Some of these objects included a blue Sharpie pen, two guppies, 65 cents in change, and a little Chicago Cubs baseball cap that belongs to Belvis' rag doll Max.
THE BIRTHDAY GIRL FINALLY ARRIVES
Gertie pulled her Jeep Cherokee Laredo onto the institute property and parked in her assigned parking space. She walked through the door of the arts and krafts center like an NFL football player coming out of the stadium tunnel high-fiving, low-fiving, and fist-bumping.
Right away away General Electric stood up and saluted.
Gertie looked at him. She saw his hand-drawn generals stars on his white T-shirt and his boxer shorts, grinned, and she expressed her sincere thanks by chest-bumping him.
Belvis handed Gertie a wooden drink coaster that he said his imaginary friend "Mr. Elmo" had whittled the night before from the institutes leftover Christmas tree.
Phineas walked up to Gertie and told her that he didn't know what to get her, so he wanted to give her the keys to the institutes bus. Herbie quickly checked his pocket and sure enough, Phineas had somehow managed to take his keys away.
Mr. Natural told Gertie that since he had lost all of his money betting on Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings in the NFL Championship game, he could not buy her the four-slice toaster he wanted to get her so instead he had written her a poem on the back of his right hand.
He said it was entitled "An Ode To My Future Wife Angelina Jolie."
You're no longer with Pitt.
As for me I'd be thrilled,
To caress your left tit.
Gertie replied that it was the most beautiful poem that she had ever heard except for "Oh Girl So Fair I Fell For Your Crotch In Two Seconds Flat" by Paul St. Bluepony and "She Stole My Heart After She Made My Winky Poo Stand Up And Take Notice" by Bree Von Clackamas.
And then everyone stood up and began singing "Happy Birthday." Well everyone except for Phineas Barger who for some reason started singing "Birthday" by the Beatles.
General Electric showed him his bazooka and Barger switched over to the classic "Happy Birthday" song real quick.
Then the lights flickered and Boswell Krebs wheeled out the 6 foot 8 inch cake. All of the patients started hollering and shouting in quasi-unison "We want cake! We want cake! We want cake!"
Edna Bitters, the office staff head stood up and with a great big grin on her face looked towards Krebs and said, "I apologize, but I just cannot help myself, so here goes...Let them eat cake!"