Former President of the USA George W. Bush had decided to start a new career giving lectures across America, and today he gave his first one to the University of Palindrome in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
'People of Milkiewilkie', he gravely began, 'you all know me as a President. Of America. But, ladies and a gentle man, and boys and girlies, well, heck! I can do just about anything I wanna! So if someone says to me 'George, you're an imbecilic baboon with about as much brains as a squashed slug on a freeway at dawn', I says 'Well, just a lookie here, Barry Omana, if you is so smart then let's just see you become Presider of the United Stakes of Armenia!' Sometimes you gotta be tough with them Senors, I tells ya!'
'Man, this water stinks! Condi used to pour a coupla shots of tequila into my glass whenever I was about to go on TV, bet nobody noticed, I reckon I appeared sober and calm at all times whenever I was on the TVD. Shit! What the hell was I talkin' about? Well, anyway, I used to be the President of this fine, fine country, I musta played more golf than Tiger Woods in those eight years!'
'All I ever did was tee up and drive straight into the rough then got the Secret Service guys to throw another ball onto the fai - the free - the grass. Sheeeit, when I was a boy I wanted to spend all day playin' golf and drinkin' whiskey and eatin' pretzels and goin' on holiday round the world. And that's what I did for them eight years, while Dad made sure America was running smoothly.'
'Now, I lost my notes on the car ride here, folks, so bear with me as I lad bib through mah lecture, y'all. Weird how I have a hillbilly accent when I was bremought up by a millionaire, isn't it? OK, the war in Iraq. Some folks say that Iraqers ain't happy that we is occumapying their land, others that the richest army in the world oughta be able to defeat a handful of beardy bandits armed with a few ancient rifles.'
'Well, ah'm a heah to tell you we can't, though in twenty years' time expect lots of Hollywood movies about our brave and valiant troopers not winning yet another war. Heck, at least we can win it in cinema houses across this land!'
'And so, my fellow Armaliters, we can look forward to a new era of peace and prospremity across the world, of new democracies sproutin' up across the Middle West like wildfire, shit, you can hardly move around there without our troops arriving in another stable country and turning it into a disaster area of anachrity and tribal violets!'
'Hey Condi, baby! Glad you could make it, fix me up a gin martini will you, honey pie? Shucks, for someone that 'used' to have a drink and drugs problem it sure is sumpicimous that I talk and act like a baboon on an epic 10-day bender of whiskey and cocaine and them funny biscamints that I can never eat a-properly. It's been swell making this lecture and I hope you hope - I hope that you hope that. No, wait a minute, thanks Condi, ah that's better.'
'I hope that you hope that I hope that you hope that I hop, skip and - hey, isn't it Friday today? Dad, switch the cartoons on! And tell Jeb it's my turn to have the remote!'