Written by Kenny Mulligan
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Saturday, 19 February 2005

The children are not are future, rather it is the cavemen to whom we must look for much needed guidance.

For a while, it was pirates who were the subjects of the public’s ever obtrusive eye. Ninjas then grappling-hooked their way to the top of the latter. I still feel they were a bit overrated.

But, a couple of months ago, my friend suggested that cavemen might be “the next hip thing.” I said, “Well, one can only pray, I suppose.” And sure enough, we looked at the TV and it was playing an insurance commercial. I’m sure you know the one of which I speak, as it featured cavemen. But these weren’t the cavemen to which the general masses are accustomed. These cavemen were fed up with the constant propagation of the myth of the simple-minded caveman.

Hollywood has seen many successful cavemen, and I’m not talking about those whores, the Flintstones. Nor am I talking about Ringo Starr or Brendan Fraser. They only imitated bigoted stereotypes of cavemen. They were the Amos and Andy of cavemen. I’m talking about the Ultimate Warriors, the Nick Noltes, and the Hillary Swanks. Oh, and there was the deformed guy from that movie, Mask. I think his name was Cher.

But these newer cavemen are different. They fight to usher in a new age of cave-thought and cave-reasoning. And we must help them. We must cast aside these retrogressive stereotypes and open our arms to our caveman brothers and sisters.

People typically look down on cavemen for there shabby caveman garbs. But we’ve got it all wrong. That was thousands of years ago. If you took a modern caveman to an exhibit at a museum that showed what they wore back then, he would slap himself. He would have the same reaction that people have to pictures of themselves wearing parachute pants. “Oh man, what was Ugg thinking. Ugg was such a tool. Ugg embarrassed.” “Don’t worry, man,” I would say to Ugg, “I once had those shoes with those useless little red lights in the heals.” And then Ugg would be all, “Wow Ugg think you are sad like Wooly Mammoth who fall into tar pit.”

This brings up another point. Cavemen are bad-ass. If we get hungry, we eat food that was purchased at a store. Or we go somewhere where it is prepared for us. And, more often than not, we’ll even pick up a phone and sit on our fat asses while the food comes to us. Did cavemen do that? No freaking way was it that easy. They’d all be sitting around there cave after an exhausting and vigorous day of inventing wheels and discovering fire, and one caveman would be all like,

“Hey, are you guys hungry?” Obviously, the others would reply positively. “Alright. Let’s go kill a mammoth.” A freaking mammoth Can you believe that? That is insane

But in the end, the main reason why cavemen are the future is simple. Cavemen will outlast all. They can survive anything. When the bombs drop and the new Ice Age commences, it will be the cavemen who are frozen into blocks of ice, only to be unfrozen three thousand years later.

They will be like prophets who teach the cyborg-laser-people of man’s past mistakes.
As a result, they will be hoisted into clergy positions of high spiritual power. All future-cyborg-laser-people will look to them for their wisdom and guidance.

In three thousand years, the Earth will finally find peace, only following total destruction. The new civilization will be the hyper-neuron-future-cyborg-laser-people. And they’re leaders will be the cavemen. The cavemen are our future.

Yet, unfortunately, I find my own argument to be slightly imperfect. That imperfection is that cavemen don’t exist anymore. However, if they did, many would agree that to be the most awesome thing ever.

Although, I might be equally impressed by a rap battle between the President and Kim Jong “license to” Il.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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