In an apparently leaked letter from the advice columnist Zanie Rabinowicz; The World's Most Interesting Man, the urbane and bon vivant spokesman for Dos X Xs brewery, has cried out for help in a matter of the heart. We print the letter in its entirety below.
I have fallen in love with a beautiful young woman a third my age. We met aboard a yacht in Charlotte Amalie harbor, hit it off immediately and two days later were vacationing together at Saint Barts.
The days and nights were a perfect blend of romance, gourmet food, water skiing and sophisticated company. After lingering for two weeks we departed aboard a private plane for France and my chateau in the hills above Nice.
Enjoying our privacy at the secluded aerie we spent weeks of bliss and unbridled sex; venturing out only twice to meet friends on the Cote d'Azur. We took in all the sights and sounds and I felt young again as we went from carnival to sidewalk cafe to long walks along the beach.
Returning home one evening she was feeling most adventurous and laughing as she pranced about the boudoir. We bathed together and fell into bed and soon we began a long session of soixante neuf.
Things were going extremely well and I thought for her also. She began to tremble and writhe. I thought that my love had reached the very apex of ecstasy when I was suddendly disabused of this fantasy by a voluminous and putrid odor. My love had expelled flatus from her anus!
I was repulsed but tried to keep my composure while gasping for air. She, however, was laughing at the top of her lungs and looking down at my heaving chest said "Au Revoir mon cher" taking some of her clothes and my Afghan Hound, Phideaux, as she ran to the door.
Zanie, I am still madly in love with her. Her perfume lingers on the bed clothes and items she left scattered about the house remind me of her often. I have not shaved or worn my ascot for days and have only eaten left over canapes from the refrigerator. I am going to pieces. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Help me, JG in Nice.
This letter shows that personal anguish knows no income level, class or celebrity status but afflicts one and all with an equally hard blow to the heart.
Zanie's answer follows:
Dear JG in Nice,
Your plea for help shows how truly heartfelt your affection for this young woman was. However; it is my place to set you on a practical path to returning to your old self. Accordingly here are a few suggestions.
You might try taking up an all consuming hobby. Perhaps sailing or painting.
Another love interest might be the answer but it can also be a source of the same problems.
If, perchance, you can reconcile with this young lady you should take some precautions. Since the sex befouled seems to have been a problem perhaps you could restrict her diet to less gas generating foods or using a product like "Beano".
I have been told that some men resort to mechanical prevention of flatus eruptions with so called "butt plugs" though keeping one's nose firmly in contact with the "taint", thereby shutting out the noxious scents while praying for no lumps might be more acceptable.
A last word of caution, keep your eyes shut.
I hope this has helped and Good Luck.