Written by Mark Sides
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Monday, 18 January 2010

image for MacArthur Park Heralds Armageddon! Run! Run! The End is Nigh!!!

Reknowned astrophysicist Ferbert T. Weedledom and Nubile Prize winning environmentalist Felicia T. Weedledee announced publication of their research paper entitled, "A Baker's Guide to Planetary Acoustics," in which they assert that the cumulative effect of acoustical energy generated by noise-producing events, in combination with electromagnetism and gravitational influences, are responsible for movement of the Earth's mantle, or crust, upon its molten core.

Addressing a press conference today, Dr. Weedledom liked the Earth to a cake baking in the metaphorical oven of the Universe:

"Those of us old enough to remember baking from scratch remember warnings from Mother of dire consequences should we stomp around the kitchen whilst she was baking a cake; the result being a collapsed, ruined cake and a reddened behind. This culinary calamity and consequent humiliation are caused by the expression of sound energy, i.e., loud stomping, doors slamming, or loud singing of Christian hymns such as "Onward Christian Soldiers".

"In what we have termed "The Theory of Relative Stupidity," we see this same process occuring geologically as the effects of acoustical energy accumulate and increase stress on tectonic plates. It is as though we are walking through the kitchen. We must be careful how we tread, lest Mother Earth punish us. The din of our very existence could be responsible for a natural dynamic response from our planet which humankind might not survive.

"Indeed, our historical research has demonstrated a corresponding tectonic response to such events as volcanoes, IED explosions, rock concerts and right-wing evangelical gatherings in Texas. As a matter of fact, we can conclusively prove that the recent Haitian earthquake was caused by the noise of a fevered throng of Pat Robertson supporters at a 700 Club sermon.

"As my friend and colleague, Professor Nostra D. Muse, prophetically states in his apocalyptic vision of the End Time:

"MacArthur Park is melting in the dark,
All the sweet green icing flowing down.
Someone left the cake out in the rain.
I don't think that I can take it,
'Cause it took so long to bake it,
And I'll never have that recipe again.
Oh, no. Oh, no."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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