Written by wildbill
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 16 February 2005

Banished

The warm rays of the sun pleasantly woke the two. Eve had rested well, her mind in a state of exhilaration with her discovery of the “headache” power over Adam she could exercise at will. Adam, on the other hand, did not sleep well due to this same power. Eve looked forward to the adventures the day would bring while Adam looked forward to the adventures the night might bring. Eve suggested they explore the garden to discover its delights. Adam, not having anything better to do agreed. They set off, hand in hand, enjoying the peace and tranquility of the garden.
As they walked along Adam noticed the dog that bit him the other day was following them. It seemed to be enjoying itself by baptizing every tree and fire hydrant they passed. It would do its thing then rush back to them with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, and its tail wagging. Adam thought, “At least we won’t get lost, we will be able to follow our noses.” Eve remarked, ”Isn’t he cute?” She whistled and the canine came to her, tail still wagging away. It didn’t do its thing on her leg. Eve reached down and petted the dog. It wagged its tail so hard it almost fell off. “We will call this dog ‘Lassie’. Adam wanted to call it “Rin Tin Tin” but Eve insisted on “Lassie” The pair had words over this naming. Once Eve got started on the subject she wouldn’t stop. On and on she went. Adam couldn’t get a word in edgewise. He acquiesced to calling the damn dog “Lassie” to shut her up. What a mouth!
Adam saw the dog looking longingly at his leg. The dog, tail still wagging, approached Adam’s leg. Adam figured what was on the dogs mind. Sure enough! Lassie leaped at Adams leg. Adam rewarded Lassie with a good kick in the kiester. Lassie returned the favor by biting Adam’s anterior posterior. Adam grabbed Lassie by the neck and took a chunk out of the animals’ backside with his teeth. This was a historic day. A day of infamy; dog bites man, and man bites dog.
“Why the hell did you bite that poor dog? It was only trying to be friendly. Don’t you know that the dog is mans best friend?”
“If dogs are mans best friend, we are in big trouble. By the way, we should be doing the things they want us to do.”
“Like what?”
“Dominion over the earth and all that’s on it. Be fruitful and multiply, and not to eat of the fruit of the tree marked with an XXX.”
“I think you took care of the dominion bit when you kicked poor Lassie. As to the be fruitful bit; what do they think? I’m not a tree. I don’t want to bear fruit. And that tree marked with an XXX, we ain’t even seen it yet.”
Their discussion was interrupted by Lassie snarling and barking at the base of a tree next to another tree, which was next to another tree which was marked with an XXX. Adam laughingly commented, “Look at that dumb dog barking up the wrong tree.”
Eve again petted Lassie, which calmed the mutt, and then pointed to the tree marked with the XXX, “That’s the one. Go do your thing.” Lassie, anxious to please Eve, bounded to the tree and gave it her all. Unfortunately, Lucifer who had taken on the form of a serpent was coiled around the base of the tree. It wasn’t raining rain you know and it wasn’t raining violets. Lucifer hissed, “Call off your damn dog! The damn thing ain’t even house broke.” Lassie returned to Eve’s side, her tail wagging and a smile on her face. Eve petted her making a cooing noise that sounded like, “Good dog.” Apparently she didn’t like snakes.
Lucifer uncoiled his serpentine body from around the tree and raised his head, then spoke with forked tongue, “Thank you Eve for calling off your damn dog. I’m truly grateful. To show my appreciation I’m going to make you an offer I don’t think you can refuse.” His head swayed, back and forth along with to and fro, and up and down. Eve was mesmerized. Lucifer knew he had her under his control. Her eyes were glazed and her tongue protruded from her puckered lips. Before she could recover from her enchanted state Lucifer pressed his advantage with, “You know you are at the tree with the XXX marked on its trunk. This here is the tree from which you are not to partake of its luscious fruit lest you become like they and know the difference between good and evil.”
Eve took a moment to consider what Lucifer said, “I don’t even know what is good and what is evil. Is it good or evil not to know?”
“You will know after you partake of the fruit.” He reached up to pluck a ripe red luscious looking morsel from a branch with his forked tongue. He placed the forbidden fruit into Eve’s outstretched hand. She fondled it lovingly, and passed it under Adams nose, making his mouth water.
“Partake. Partake. And you will be like them. You will then know, and won’t that be nice?” Lucifer encouraged.
Eve quickly withdrew the fruit from under Adam’s nose before he had a chance to slobber all over it. The morsel seemed to glow and enchanting golden amber. It was a thing of beauty and a joy to behold. There were golden droplets of moisture on its surface glistening as diamonds. Eve could not resist. Her mouth watered in a like fashion as Adams. She brought the glistening delight to her mouth and did eat of it. It was delicious beyond belief. She handed Adam the once bitten fruit and he too partook. They had both partaken.
The wayward pair were deluged with a downpour of holy water. Water that had the hell boiled out of it. They were treated to an earth shaking display of lightning and thunder. They suddenly realized they were naked. Heavens to Betsy! Leaves from a convenient Fig tree were employed and deployed to conceal their precious body parts. Adam found he needed a multitude of leaves. They sat, arm in arm, and waited until the thunder and lightning abated, at which time the voices inquired, “ Heavens! What the hell on earth have you two done?”
“We partook of the fruit of the tree marked XXX.” Eve confessed.
“Why did you do so?”
“The devil made me do it. He mesmerized me.” replied Eve.
“That’s a new one. And Adam, Why did you do it?”
“The women you gave to me enticed me. I could not resist. I was never enticed before, but I only took a little bite.”
“You said a mouthful. We are disappointed in you two. We only gave you two rules and so far you screwed up on both of them. You both ate of the forbidden fruit and you have not even begun to be fruitful and multiply. We have decided to kick you out of Eden along with that damn dog before it ruins all the trees and rusts away the fire hydrants. Behold, the yellow brick road, follow it to the pearly gates of Eden, and depart from its borders.”
Eve addressed the voices, “Hold on for a minute. You guys listen to me. I’ve got something to say about this gross injustice. It is true that we partook of the fruit, which the serpent Lucifer so generously offered. Regarding the origin of the fruit; how on earth did we, or you, for that matter ascertain that it, indeed, came from the tree with the XXX marking? I did not pick it from the tree. The onliest thing I picked since I’ve been here is my nose. I suggest that since this is a circumstance, your evidence of this alleged felony is wholly and totally circumstantial. Any good Yiddish lawyer could get us off.”
“Did you not witness Lucifer picking the fruit from the tree?”
“I did not!”
“But you said you did.”
“I changed my mind.”
“If Lucifer didn’t pick the fruit from the tree, where the hell do you think he got it?”
“He probably got it from Guseppie, the guy with that fruit cart. How do I know where he got it?”
The voices considered Eve’s case, “We will reconsider this matter.”
The voices could be heard…
“I told you about giving the women a voice. Once she starts she will never stop. I pity poor Adam.”
“We also gave her the power of the headache and the ability to change her mind at will.”
Another voice chimed in with, “We can’t let them get away with this!”
Another, “Your right. It would upset the apple cart.”
And another (there were a bunch of voices), “Let us remain firm in our original decision. For committing what will become known as the ‘original sin’, let us banish them from the garden.”
“Do we all concur?”
The multitude of voices concurred with a hearty affirmation. “Verily we say unto you. You are found guilty. Get out of the garden!”
Adam exclaimed, “That’s not fair!”
The voices explained, “Who said life was fair?”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

85 readers are online right now!

Go to top