Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Saturday, 9 January 2010

AUSTIN-In an obvious parody of the "Howard Stern Show", controversial radio talk show host and documentary filmmaker Alex Jones donned a long black wig and sunglasses on his Friday afternoon television simulcast. Why?

"I'm sending out a booty call" Jones announced "to all you bodacious info-babes, patriotic playmates and liberty lovin' ladies who would like to audition for my new 2010 (better late than never) TSA Pin-up Calendar!"

Jones had already made a similar announcement earlier in the week after he came up with the brainstorm idea to protest against what he has described as an "Invasion of the Body Scanners" at major airports throughout the U.S. in response to the "Delta Fruit of the Boom" bombing scare in Detroit.

But is was today that Alex held his first round of auditions with a dozen or so beautiful respondents who were ready to reveal all without even removing a single piece of clothing. How? Well, somehow the resourceful Jones was able to get his hands on one of the full body scanners built by the same manufacturer that former Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff has been shilling for this entire week.

Sitting at the controls of the machine, Jones goes into greater detail about the project before giving audience to the scantily clad female candidates.

"I think we're actually going to call it the 2010 (better late than never) "TNA" Pin-up Calendar--Uncut and X-Ray-ted" says Jones "We're gonna have twelve glossy pages representing each month with a girl (fully clothed) posing seductively while inside the scanner and use her naked image as the shot that's printed for that particular month. We want to demonstrate how these scanners objectify and humiliate women just like a pornographer's camera or a peeping tom's telephoto lens."

Jones goes on to explain "I'm thinking for the cover we'll have the TSA acronym in big blue government caps and then superimpose a big red handwritten "N" over the "S" so it reads "TNA". Get it? Y'all know what TNA stands for right? For you prudes out there just think breasts and bottoms".

Playing the part of "Baba Booey" to Jones' Stern was Jason Bermas or "Baba Bermas" as Jones called him.

As the first girl (a 25 year old blonde named "Trish" wearing jeans and an "Obama Joker" T-shirt) stepped into the machine Jones fiddled with the dials and bugged his eyes out at the image of her naked body on the screen in front of him. "Wow! He exclaimed, "The last time I sat at a machine like this I had to pull a curtain and stick quarters into it!"

A live band Jones hired to set the mood and lend a gentleman's club like feel to the place struck up a version of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man" but changed the lyrics to:

No belt, no shoes
You have no choice and you cannot refuse
Step into my X-ray machine
I wanna see you naked on my screen
You cannot board without a full body scan
Unless you are escorted by a sharp dressed man!

Before the next lady entered (an activist from Cleveland named Diane), Alex asks "What's your favorite movie?"

"Endgame" she replies

"Biggest turn-on?"

"The Declaration of Independence"

"Biggest turn-off?"

"Al Gore"

"What do you think Bermas?"

With a big grin, Jason turns to the girl and asks "Will you marry me?"

Baba Bermas
Baba Bermas

The next candidate, Simone (a blogger from North Carolina) stepped into the machine with her back to the camera while gazing provocatively over her left shoulder.

"Oh, yeah!" screams Jones "I don't know if you're on any government watch list but you're certainly on mine!"

Yet another applicant, Debbie (a hot young 19 year old Global Warming protestor wearing a Ron Paul 2012 T-shirt) inspires Jones to ask "How would you like to be in my next movie? I'm calling it "Debbie Does Dallas/Fort Worth". You play a sexy TSA agent who comes onto passengers who strike your fancy after they go through the full body scanner."

It's at this point Jason butts in and says "Yeah, I read the script. My favorite line is "Is that a WMD in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Baba Bermas
Baba Bermas

At the conclusion of the audition, a hot and sweaty Jones wipes his brow and thanks the girls for attending. Before dismissing them he says "I wish I could choose all of you but unfortunately there are only twelve months in a year. But I will say this: You are all a bunch of very naughty terrorists. You should be ashamed of yourselves! Just kidding."

Then, after the girls file out of the studio, Alex goes into one of his famous rants:

"This is going to be the biggest blow to the New World Order ever! I want to see these calendars everywhere! Restaurants, bars, employee lounges! Everywhere! Not only do these calendars send a powerful political statement, they are also educational because we will be commemorating important earth shattering events on the dates they happened like the birth of the Federal Reserve and the day we surrendered our rights under the Patriot Act, etc., etc.!"

Jones then invited any other girls interested in posing for the calendar to contact him so he can arrange an audition at his central command center, deep behind enemy lines…if we only knew where that was?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

84 readers are online right now!

Go to top