Written by MariaSars
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Thursday, 7 January 2010

A New Year Love Letter 2010: Coming to America Again
by Maria Sars

To Honor those separated from Loved ones:

"Woman Mentally Breaks Up with King-To-Be Prince Charles"

Dateline: Feast of the Holy Innocents
International Space Station

The lifelong imaginary romance with the to be good King Charles has ended the 46 year old allegedly female, authentic daughter of President John F. Kennedy announced today.

"While I will always have great affection for Prince Charles, the hard truth is that he is not the kind of man I need in my imagination right now," the woman said, her voice tight with emotion. "It hurts to say this, but it is probably best that we will never actually be one."

"You see I am from Venus. Prince Charles is from Mars. The Mars lander sent by the United Kingdom has yet to emit a cell-phone-like signal. I put out an APB for those boats sneakily weaving amongst ships. No Prince Charles found but the American found water on the moon orbiting Earth enroute to Mars and Venus. A recurrent satellite beacon beckons to find him. I took one of those male vitality capsules sold at the health food store to nurture my male essence for courage while being an honorary male. I hiked through deserts, polar ice caps, mountains, forests, streams, savannahs. Still unable to locate Prince Charles."

This year, the December blue moon caused a detour and she had to earn her keep and transportation funds, and taxes on those earnings. In one semi-arid locale the men put up a hand each and said "halt, who goes there" and they hunched their shoulders, rubbed their hands together, raised one eyebrow, and said "to the workhouse for women-the chicken ranch." She begged off saying she had no marketable skills in that activity.

Instead, she replied, "Perhaps kind sirs, you know of a sew and knit shop?" They said, "Naw, lady, we have lots of sew and knit shops overcrowded with women, silly with women." "Well, for what type of work does this community need workers?"

She volunteered to work as a ditch digger to earn her keep and transportation funds and taxes. Over the years she listened to many men on television and at workforce centers complain about that work so she figured her petite physique could easily accomplish that task. While searching for Prince Charming "my husband wants me to work in entry-level office jobs, because, he says in his nasal tone of voice, 'it makes life less complicated that way'" and in that work she is not often in competition with breadwinning men or their wives who do not want women to compete with their men for the grunt work of their men.

In the mean time, winnable Queen, Mrs. Camilla Parker Bowles, is reported by the National Enquirer to be practicing for her descent down the staircase while the Queen is preparing for her Diamond Jubilee coincident to Britain's hosting the Olympic Games.

Though she was initially insatiably infatuated with the piercing good looks and Heathcliff charm of the waseem (handsome) Prince Charles, she admitted to being "troubled" by the Prince's widely reported penchant for meddling and that he might select the Speedo over the swimming trunks on their annual incognito visits to the French Riviera.

"Those brown eyes are to die for, and I'll admit that I've always had a weakness for men with outstanding ears and a big proboscis. I was turned off by his constant need for attention which is really juvenile."

The authentic daughter of the assassinated President, who gleaned her knowledge of Prince Charles from various entertainment news sources, has never sought a real-life relationship with the rising King-to-be and characterized the phenomenon of celebrity stalking as "pathetic." Nevertheless, when pressed, she was able to give a detailed account of the rise and fall of her pretend relationship with Prince Charles.

"In the beginning, Prince Charles could do no wrong," she said. "I found myself standing taller, dressing better, and taking things a little less seriously. My friends noticed the change. Still, all the while anxiety was creeping in: what if I wasn't the type of woman he would find attractive."

Eventually, she said, "reality" set in.

"Prince Charles and I live in separate worlds, divided by an unbridgeable gulf," she said. "He is a wild glamorous Prince from Cosmopolitan London, and I am a university graduate from the mountains with a no-paying job and average looks. It would never work."

"Prince Charles loves fast living and I prefer quiet evenings at home with a steady diet of sweet talk, small gifts, cuddling, and smooching," the authentic daughter of the assassinated President said. "At first, I would imagine all the fun Aspen parties we'd go to if we were dating, but I grew tired of that pretty quickly. I'm no party girl. I started picturing myself sitting there in my white chenille bathrobe at the breakfast table taking tea and scones while waiting for him to come. I don't want that." She remembers fondly quivering before Prince Charles kissed her on her cheek in front of a couple of grandmothers and after he did kiss her she promptly fainted on the porch. An easy dispatch into oblivion; the Prince is said to be walking about the Palace with his chest puffed out and a big grin on his face.

The authentic daughter of the assassinated President also began to wonder if Prince Charles would remain faithful. "Other than occasions people of all persuasions-male and female equally-ensnare either of us in an assignation it got to be where I couldn't fantasize about us being together without constantly wondering if he would run around on me," she said.

One person reported there were three of us in this marriage. "As Saint Augustine said, "Where there is love, there is a trinity: a lover, a beloved, and a spring of love."

"If he's cheated on women before, in an egalitarian manner with all, I couldn't see why I'd be an exception. He is just not worth the angst."

The news that one of Prince Charles' girlfriends gave birth to two of his sons helped convince her to break it off once and for all.

"I had to dump him from my thoughts, if only to preserve my sanity," she said. "I know that I'm choosing practicality over love, and maybe that makes me as weak as Prince Charles, but in a different way."

She is taking steps to scale back Prince Charles' presence in her life. She is seeking a paid job to supersede the no-pay job so she can be seen as egalitarian.

Rumor has it that she was recently overheard commenting on the lessons of Fred Astaire of Hollywood, California though she denied any pretend relationship. How could Fred Astaire perform in a theatrical production when some persons exasperated him with a shiner under the eye when he refused to transfigure into a poltergeist.

"To tell you the truth, I've been more attracted to the suave and sophisticated gentlemanly veneer of maturity and stability lately." She had qualms when Prince Charles expressed a desire she "Strictly Come Dancing" with him. She is twittering and fretting about her advanced age to shimmy, shiver, and shake. Would G-man charge her under the "honest-services fraud" law claiming she was cheating someone of something less tangible than money if she is less buxom than other women? Physicists at Physics World published today that it is impossible to detect the quivering of a free electron, which has an amplitude of just 10-13 m and a frequency of 1021 Hz. Does the opinion of readers of the new treatsies about the Waltz, ballroom dances, and other dance styles?

Oh! What a conundrum! Should she accept the strictly come dancing invitation extended by Prince Charles and abandon her search for Prince Charles during the lifelong imaginary romance with the to be good King Charles which has ended.

Neither the authentic daughter of the assassinated President, currently "living in America," nor her real life Prince Charming "coming to America" could be reached for comment.

Remember what Winnie the Pooh says,

"Violets are blue….If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart. I'll stay there forever."

Work spend drafting this parody of an article in The Onion titled, "Woman Mentally Breaks Up with Colin Farrell," as measured by calories expended:

Daydreaming 40
Fantasizing 50
Teasing 60
Flirting 100
Sweet Talking 150
Looking Silly 75
January 6, 2010

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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