The news that Jordan is to go into the Big Brother house today came as a big shock to David Cameron.
"I wasn't informed," He said. "So, it can't go ahead. I need to be informed of everything that goes on in the entire country before it happens"
"Why?" Asked Katarina Frogpond (that's me). "You're not the Prime Minister."
"But I'm going to be." He said. "I have to start practicing. So I'm going to make sure it doesn't happen. And if it does, then I'll have to start practicing saying things like. "I'm "shocked and saddened"
"No" Said Katarina "You can't say that, the Queen says that"
"Okay." Said David Cameron thoughtfully. "Then I'll say. "This is the end of civilisation as we know it. The Lizards are taking over the world."
"No. You can't say that either. That's David Ike"
"How about 'I'm disappointed by your lazy search for guests channel 4, you should have shown more indefatigability?' Now that's good. That's an amazing word."
"Yes, it is. But you can't have it, that's George Galloways"
"Was it?" David queried. "I thought he said "Would you like me to be the cat?"
"Yes. But George Galloway's not like all the others. He's quite eloquent, he has more than one thing to say in a crisis."
"Okay. What should I say, then?" Asked David.
"I don't think it matters. You're not going to be Prime Minister, David" Katarina said, matter of factly.
"Katarina, that a cruel horrible thing to say. Why would you say something like that?"
"Because you don't understand about the Vampires, David"
"The what?" Asked David.
"See." Explained Katarina "You just don't understand about the vampires. They're a vote winner. Look at Joe McElderry. Everyone wants to be friends with the Vampires now they know that he's one of them"
"Right. Katarina." Said David "I'll have to look into this. I'll get back to you. Where do I find them."
"You'll find state registered ones at any Blood transfusion centre."
"NHS?" He said horrified. "Its a challenge but I'm ready for it. Wish me luck Katarina.
"Good luck, and goodbye." Said Katarina, knowing she might not be seeing him again.
By Katarina Frogpond.