Written by Frankie The J
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Friday, 1 January 2010

image for President Obama releases his New Year's Resolutions Presient Barack Obama resolves to "quit fucking monkeys" in 2010

WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- President Barack Obama released a few of his most noteworthy New Year's Resolutions Thursday morning at a White House press briefing. He did not answer reporter's questions however, saying: "I believe the list speaks for itself."

(1) I will not stick my penis into anymore electrical outlets.

(2) I will not hide my monthly "Big, BIG, Chick's Asses" magazines under my mattress anymore.

(3) I will not throw piss filled ballons at White House tourists from the third story windows anymore.

(4) I will offically register as a Democrat this year.

(5) I will sew shut Joe Biden's big fucking mouth.

(6) I will finally admit that I am the son of a chupacabra, but an American chupacanra.

(7) I will quit fucking monkeys.

(8) I will quit fucking monkeys.

(9) I will quit fucking monkeys.

We all wish the President good luck in keeping at least three of his New Year's Resolutions.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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