WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- President Barack Obama released a few of his most noteworthy New Year's Resolutions Thursday morning at a White House press briefing. He did not answer reporter's questions however, saying: "I believe the list speaks for itself."
(1) I will not stick my penis into anymore electrical outlets.
(2) I will not hide my monthly "Big, BIG, Chick's Asses" magazines under my mattress anymore.
(3) I will not throw piss filled ballons at White House tourists from the third story windows anymore.
(4) I will offically register as a Democrat this year.
(5) I will sew shut Joe Biden's big fucking mouth.
(6) I will finally admit that I am the son of a chupacabra, but an American chupacanra.
(7) I will quit fucking monkeys.
(8) I will quit fucking monkeys.
(9) I will quit fucking monkeys.
We all wish the President good luck in keeping at least three of his New Year's Resolutions.