After over a year as American President, this is a list of Barack Obama's 10 main achievements so far:
1. Er ... well, let's see, he ... er, what has he done, again? Withdrew US troops from Iraq, of course! Oh, he didn't do that? Odd, could've sworn that was the main reason he was elected.
2. Hmm, making up this list is not as easy as I thought. Aha! He went to London - and was ignored completely by the English people there, who wouldn't be interested in meeting Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush, Margaret Thatcher and Adolf Hitler, all at the same time, it's not the English way. But American news made Americans believe the English were really wowed by meeting the President of the USA. Yeah, right! So will have to score this one out.
2. OK, there must be something ... Hey, didn't he buy a puppy dog! Yay! And here was me thinking he was just a powerless waffling windbag that flies round the world all the time, to impress American voters. That London fake photo op was a deliberate joke by the English, so Americans didn't get it - not even black Londoners have the slightest interest in Barack Obama, it looked like an amateur play as some hired Londoners 'greeted' the Pres, looking totally embarrassed by it all. Jeez, don't Americans know anything about the world?
3. ... ... Tum tee tum ... Maybe a good old mockney song from London can fill in the time til the end of this article. 'Ah wouldn't it be nice, to get on wiv me neighbours'
4. 'But they make it very cleah, they've got no room for ravers'
5. 'They stop me from groovin', they bang on me wall'
6. 'They're doin' me crust in, it's no good at all'
7. 'Lazy Sunday afternoon, got no mind to worry'
8. 'Close my eyes and drift away ...'
9. Not at 10 yet? OK. 'Ah roody-doody-do, and roody-doody-dy-day'
10. 'Ah roody-doody-do, ah roody-doody-dum-dee'
As The Small Faces are more interesting than Barack Obama, may as well 'ave anuvvah four lines, me old china plates:
'I'll sing you a song, wiv no words and no tune
'To sing in the khazi, when you flush out the moon, oh no!
'Lazy Sunday afternoon, I got no mind to worry'
'Close my eyes and drift a-, close my mind and drift away, close my mind and drift away'
('Lazy Sunday Afternoon'; Words and music by Steve Marriott/Ronnie Lane, 1968. Token feebleness by Barack Hussein Obama, only Americans would elect that kid as leader)