Written by Frankie The J
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Tuesday, 29 December 2009

image for Monsignor Francois Dubois, S.J.'s True Confessions Msr. Francois Dubois, S.J. hearing confessions

Happy is the man who gets laid

As many of you know, I have suffered from a bad heart for sometime now. Many other problems have had me down as well. Doctors were able to fix what ailed my heart with stints, but I suffered bouts of high axiety brought about by sexual abstinence (something my physical body is unused to).

Some doctors think that my hypersexuality stems from the 893 acid trips I took between the years 1967 and 1968--but I think they're wrong. I am a Roman Catholic priest, but when ordered to take a vow of chastity, I must admit I crossed my fingers behind my back.

Celebate? Me? Hardly lads. While I was confined to the hospital I found that several of the nurses gravitated to me, asking for advice regarding the romance arts. I gave them succor, much as I could in my pain, and in my sick bed.

I wish to take this opportunity to thank a few of the wonderful nurses who took care of me: Mary, Joan, and Chastity (OMG!).

And now to the mailbag:

Dear Msr. Dubois:

Is it acceptable for a divorced gay man to remarry? When Jorge and I married in Tijuana two years ago, we were married by a priest, in a church. I looked wonderful, I must say, in my white gown. It had pearls and sequins and it sparkled in the candlelight.

But, alas, Jorge fell out of love with me and is now in love with a cheap transvestite tramp with whom he lives. I divorced him, in Mexico.

I have found a new love, Peter. He is witty and charming and loving and caring--and his ass!!! I digress. Is it allowable for me to marry Peter since Jorge abandoned me and is living in sin with that bitch? I want so much to wear my wedding gown again?

Sincerely,
Gregory


Dear Gregory:

As far as I am concerned, there is little enough true love in the world. You have my blessings on the remarriage. None the less, rewearing your bridal gown would be completely tacky. Might I suggest a light blue taffeta, full length dress instead?

Blessings,
Msr. Francois Dubois, S.J.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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