"A security alert aboard a Northwest Airlines jet ended Sunday after investigators determined the incident -- the second in two days involving a Detroit, Michigan-bound flight -- was "nonserious," federal authorities said.
The crew of Northwest Flight 253 reported a "verbally disruptive" passenger Sunday and requested police meet the plane when it arrived from the Netherlands, the airline told CNN. The man was questioned by police after the plane landed in Detroit early Sunday afternoon.....The passenger spent about an hour in the bathroom and got upset when he was questioned by the crew of the flight from Amsterdam, Netherlands, according to government sources. Law enforcement agents questioned the man Sunday....."
Flight Attendant (FA): Uh, sir....may I ask what were you doing there so long?
FA: You were in there for an hour, sir. Why?
Man: I'm not going to tell you.
FA: You better if you know what's good for you.
Man: Go to hell. It's my business, you pissant.
FA (to fellow FAs): Help!!!!!!
Six attendants race to assist.
Second FA: What's the matter, Helen?
FA: He won't tell me what he's doing in there for an hour.
Second FA: Is that correct, sir?
Man: You can go to hell too. I'm not telling you anything with regard to my GI tract.
Second FA: GI tract, huh? Well, I don't smell anything GI in there now. You must be lying.
Man: No, I'm not.
FA: Anybody who makes a deposit in there usually creates an specific odor. I don't smell anything.
Man: Look, this is getting out of hand.
Second FA: Better come clean or I'll 'tase' you and I'll get all the passengers to kick you in the face.
Man: Wait...wait.....I'm having problems.
Second FA: What do you mean?
Man: I've been traveling.
Man: Whenever I travel, I block up.
FA: Block up?
Man: Block up. I can't go. I get constipated. Can't take a crap, for God's sake!
Second FA: And....?
Man: Well, finally the "Knock-of-Poo" was calling me.....30,000 feet in the air.
Man: It was a struggle. For an hour, we fought back and forth, back and forth....if you know what I mean.
Second FA: So?
Man: I lost. That's why there's no smell.....and now I've humiliated myself, you bastards.
Man gets 'tased.'
Passengers cheer. They get in line to kick the man in the face. After 20 minutes, the man now completely hogtied and bruised is trussed up in one of the empty seats. He regains consciiousness and begins to recover from his paralysis.
FA: There you go, fella. We've alerted Homeland Security and they'll be waiting for you and we'll see if they believe your story about being constipated.
Man: Screw you and them. The evidence is in my pants now! And I have to tell you, this must be a 'first' for curing constipation.