Written by matwil
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Thursday, 24 December 2009

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Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Once upon a time there was a man called Joshua, that is Jesus in Greek, and Jesus was descended from the royal family of Israel through King David, and his cousin was John the Baptist.

And Jesus was born in what is now called Israel many, many years ago, an area which was occupied by the Romans, and he was both Jewish and not Jewish - for there was no such thing as the formal religion of Judaism then, but he was of the Jewish people.

And Jesus's mother was called Mary, and she was wronged by a Roman soldier, and so was with child but not married until a man named Joseph did marry her. And she gave birth to Jesus, and Jesus was a normal human boy in every way. And when he grew up Jesus became a religious teacher, and wandered throughout Israel teaching people what he had learnt from others and from The Bible, and the people saw him as a possible new king of the Jews and a prophet.

The Romans cared nothing about his religious teaching, but cared much about a king to unite the many kingdoms of the Jews, and so were soon considering executing him, for the Jews were the most troublesome of their subjects and were endlessly staging uprisings and rebellions against them.

And the Roman Governor Pontius Pilate had Jesus arrested and then crucified, for the Romans could not allow such an impressive religious leader to live, but using spies Jesus and his friend Joseph of Aramathea knew this was going to happen and prepared to save Jesus's life.

So they paid a Roman soldier not to break Jesus's legs after being crucified, which would have made him die, and to give him a sedative on a sponge, and then Joseph took the alive Jesus from the cross he had been nailed to to recover in a cave, wrapped in a shroud soaked in medicines, now called the Turin Shroud. And Jesus recovered three days later and went to speak to a few people, including his wife Mary Magdalene, and to tell them he had survived but now was a wanted man and had to disappear, which he did.

And Joseph of Aramathea and Mary Magdalene also had to leave Israel, and travelled to what is now France, for both were very wealthy and could easily afford such a journey by boat.

The Romans meanwhile had many pagan religions, including worshipping the sun - on Sundays - and the pagan god Mithra, who in legend died and was resurrected, and the new religion of Christianity had not had any effect on the Roman Empire, for it was a religion of basic forgiveness and humility.

So another Jew, Saul of Tarsus, changed Mithra to Jesus and the Sabbath from Saturday to Sunday, and the Roman Catholic faith was invented. And soon people all across the Roman Empire were forced violently to believe that Jesus was actually a god that had been resurrected, like Mithra, though of course he hadn't, and the biggest confidence trick in history soon became a fact.

Mithra's birthday was the 25th. of December, so in a final fraud to persuade pagans who refused to stop celebrating that day with food and drink, and to persuade them to become 'Christians', the Roman Catholic Church claimed that Jesus was actually born on that day, though for over 300 years after his death his birthday was seen as the 6th. of January.

And the Christian Churches all lived happily ever after, a fraudulent religion that invests millions in arms manufacturers and has been responsible for and blessed most of the sickening major wars in modern history. Jesus was a Jewish married man who would have seen Christianity as blasphemy and as sinful, but don't let that fool millions of people across the world, especially ones in the Bible Belt of the USA.

Merry Christmas, suckers! You've been had by the Romans. Yet again.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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