So, to recap, of the children who won admittance to the wonderful magical world of Willy Wanker's Chocolate Shit Factory only Milly O ' Nare and Charlie Fuckitt remain.
German fat boy Uder died after getting trapped in the u-bend of a giant toilet-cum-chocolate shit lake; Oirish itinerant traveller boy Pikey Gee-Gee was fatally wounded during a pitched battle between his chocolate caravan dwelling pals and some rough Ommpa-Poo-Poo's; and finally, possessed exorcist-style child Reagan was taken away in the last chapter after suffering from 'orgasm-mania' after imbibing too much seductive Willy Wanker chocolate shit treats.
All totally normal occurrences I think you will agree!
So, as usual after another disastrous ending to one of the children's factory tour adventure, Mr. Wanker leads the remaining few onwards to see more shit.
"Now, all that is left is two, good, kind, gentle children", he says as he looks at Charlie and Milly O' Nare.
He swings open a huge door that leads into a cavernous room filled with rows and rows of huge pigeons.
"Wow! Whats this room, Mr Wanker?", asks Charlie.
"These are my Giant Shitting Pigeons", Mr. Wanker sates proudly.
"Can I eat their shit?", Charlie asks dumbfounded.
"Of course! All my shit is edible….but these pigeons shit huge lumps of the white stuff. That's what I make my yummy white chocolate shit from", Mr. Wanker discloses as a giant pigeon flies past and shits on his hat, which he takes off and licks.
"Daddy, want a Giant Shitting Pigeon!", Milly O' Nare stamps her feet.
"How much for the giant shitting pigeon, wanker?", Mr. O' Nare asks as he takes out his wallet.
"Oh, these aren't for sale".
Milly O' Nare freaks out and bizarrely starts singing about how much she wants a Giant Shitting Pigeon:
"Give it to me, Give it to me
I'm a sweet as sugar can be
Oh, Daddy can't you see?
I wanna Giant Pigeon, so give it to me!"
She dances around the room, swinging on the cages containing the Giant Pigeons like a cheap stripper.
"I want it, I want it, I want it
I'll even take off my kit
Oh, for Daddy likes my tits
But just gimme a Giant Pigeon that shits!"
At the crescendo of her song she stands atop the perch on which one of the birds was roosting, but this pisses them off and they attack her, pecking at her face and tearing out her eyes.
Mr. Wanker shoos away the birds and reveals all that is left of the annoying little bitch: a bra and knickers.
"My precious!", cries out Mr. O' Nare, "What have you done with my darling Milly, Wanker?!"
"The pigeons have eaten her. I probably should have mentioned that they are man-eaters, shouldn't I?….Oh, well….", Mr. Wanker replies.
A lone Oompa-Poo-Poo takes Mr. O' Nare away and it's just Mr. Willy Wanker, Charlie and Grandpa Joe who are left.
"And with that, my friends, I bid you adieu", Mr. Wanker bows and exits hurriedly.
Charlie and Grandpa Joe look at each other in stunned silence.
Eventually Grandpa Joe speaks.
"Is that it? He's just going to leave us like that? Bullshit!"
Mr. Wanker is sitting inside his shit-stained office reading something shit (The Daily Mail letters column) as Grandpa Joe and Charlie knock politely and enter.
"Excuse me, sir?", Charlie nervously approaches.
"What is it?". Mr. Wanker says harshly.
"Well, excuse me, Mr. Wanker sir, but don't I get a years supply of chocolate shit now?"
"Hey! That's now way to treat a boy!", Grandpa Joe cuts in, "he's just a poor little boy who sleeps with his relatives…He won this competition fair and square. Now give him his chocolate!"
Mr. Wanker spins around in his chair to face both of them. His face is angry and twisted.
"My Oompa-Poo-Poo's reported to me that both of you had a sneaky wank in my Wankertorium and therefore have ruined my entire supply of Wanker White Chocolate Shit!"
Charlie and Grandpa Joe are stunned to have been caught out.
Mr. Wanker continues: "…And that is why, my dear mischief-makers, that you get nothing! Nada! Nill! Zilch! Good day!"
He turns back around and continues reading the Daily Mail letters column. He is particularly interested in hearing about how some stuck-up old crone dislikes her neighbours garden gnome collection.
"Come on, Charlie my boy, let's get out of this place", Grandpa Joe says sadly.
Before he leaves, Charlie approaches Mr. Wanker's desk and places his Everlasting Shit Slurper there, then turns and walks away with his head held low.
Mr. Wanker grips the tasty shitty treat and leaps upwards.
"Charlie! You wonderful, wonderful boy!".
He runs across the room and hugs the lad tightly.
"Don't you know what this means? You have won! My, sweet child, you are the winner!".
"What the fuck are you blatherin' about?!", Grandpa Joe gripes
At that moment, the strange SS looking man from earlier enters the room and stands above them grinning wildly.
"That's Slutworth the rival chocolate shit maker!", Charlie gasps
"No, he's one of my employees. I use hi to trick children like you into bad behaviour. I also sometimes get hi to pick up rent boys for me when I'm feeling a little horny too", Mr. Wanker divulges.
Mr. Wanker grabs Charlie's hand and they go towards a tiny, enclosed elevator. Grandpa Joe also gets inside.
"Where are we going", Charlie asks
"I'm going to show you your prize. Now, there is one button I have never pressed….would you like to push it, Charlie?"
"It's not your belly button or some other naked body part, is it?", Charlie grimaces
"Ha ha ha……erm, not anymore. ….hmmm, let's see.. .maybe we should just press the up button and take it from there, eh?", Mr. Wanker stutters nervously. He remembers what happened to his friend Michael Jackson all too well….
The elevator shoots upwards. The glass ceiling gets nearer and nearer.
"We're going to crash!", screams Charlie.
But the elevator shoots through the skylight and rises outwards into the clear blue sky. They fly high above the factory and the streets.
"Do you like gay porn, Charlie?", Mr. Wanker asks.
"Oops,……what I meant to say was……Do you like my factory, Charlie", Mr. Wanker corrects himself
"Oh yes. I like it very much".
"It's all yours", Mr. Wanker smiles.
"Sure, for real. I've been seeking somebody kind and innocent and caring to take care of my Oompa-Poo-Poo's and my chocolate shit factory for quite some time….but I suppose you'll have to do…."
"Can I bring my mother and Grandpa Joe and Grandpa Dave and Grandma Bertha and Grandma Janice to live there with me?"
"Yes, of course you can. Well, except Grandma Janice. She died a few hours ago of syphilis while you were touring my magical factory…"
"Pah!" No loss. She was a smelly old sow", laughs Grandpa Joe.
And they all start to laugh, because as everyone knows, there is nothing funnier that a death from syphilis.
"Charlie, did you hear about the boy who wished for all his dreams to come through?", Mr. Wanker asks the happy lad.
"No. What happened him?"
"He went prematurely bald and got run over by a runaway bus".
"…What's that got to do with me?", the boy inquires.
"Fuck all. I just thought you'd like to know what the main story in the news was", Mr. Wanker says.
There is an awkward pause that is only broken my Mr. Wanker's sudden enthusiasm.
"Say, wont you all join me in a song?", Willy Wanker bounds.
"Sure thing, Mr. Wanker!", they both reply as they all begin singing out of tune possibly the most shitty song ever written:
I've got the bums rush
Haven't you too?
If you go potty
Flush the frickin' loo
What do you do when your ass is red raw?
Use cotton wool dipped in creamy coleslaw
What do you do when there's no toilet near?
Cross up your legs unless it's…Diarrhoea!
(Everyone does a little swirly dance)
I've got the bums rush
Haven't you too?
If you go potty
Flush the frickin' loo!
And they all lived happily ever after and paid all their taxes and never went bankrupt!
This story is based on the real life experiences of a compulsive liar named Charlie Fuckitt who existed and lived in a 1970's British/German utopia.
After committing his tales to print, the lad settled down and lived a long and productive life as a pimp and 'whore-monger' in the quaint little village of Muff, Ireland.
No Oompa-Poo-Poo's were harmed during the writing of this story…several were horribly mutilated for scientific purposes after I'd put down my pen, though.
This is a completely original story and any suggestion that it is a bastardisation of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" are lies, damned lies!
No compensation will be provided relating to the precious life you have wasted reading this pile of cack-stained bunkum (tee-hee-hee….he almost said 'bum-cum!…)
Dedicated to all those brave men and women who toil night and day putting up Christmas lights all over the world.