Some women friends who follow an occasional Spoof from yours truly, including one Mrs. PM, suggested that I write a mia-culpa edition of the Top 10 list about things us down-trodden, often misunderstood males do to wreck the mood with our ladies. Consider this a parallel piece to the "Top 10 Things a Wife can do to Wreck a Boner".
In short, to all the lady Spoofers out there, My apologies on behalf of the male population.
10. Thinking the kitchen butcher block is the suitable place for spontaneous love making, when the kids are in the other room and the pasta is on the stove.
9. Coming to bed smelling of beer, the dumpster you fell in, and urine from peeing yourself, and expecting a warm welcome from your life mate.
8. Loudly and repeatedly replying "WHAT?" to whatever she has asked you. Let's just come to an agreement that the question was important, and you are not getting any that evening.
7. Your definition of foreplay is unzipping your pants.
6. Repeatedly asking, "Are you close? Are you close?", fifteen seconds after penetration.
5. Asking, "You took your pill today, right?"
4. Attempting to provide her oral pleasure with the Don Johnson look. She was looking for smooth, soft and attentive, not leg rash as a result of your sandpaper face. Chances are you don't look like Don Johnson anyway, for which she might have forgiven the sanding.
3. Swinging your boner side to side or up and down in a feigned attempt at turn her on. This is also called the boner dance or "sword fighting" and has never worked to impress a female. Unless you're 10 inches or more in length, then you just merely need to show up, preferably clean and shaven, with your 10 inches of course.
2. Telling her to try something new, but in so much detail as to suggest that you've had the experience before, with somebody else.
1. Come to bed, clean, shaven with anything chocolate, which is a good start in and of itself, then turn on the TV to the Ultimate Fighting Channel.