Written by Jesus Budda
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Monday, 7 December 2009

image for O' Halloran: Murder with a Capital Punishment - DEATH Would have been better off scratching me bollox!

All Chapters: Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7|Part 8|Part 9


DEATH:

You have chosen DEATH. But did you make the correct choice?

The French midget crawls up onto the scaffold using just his tongue. O' Halloran wonders why he didn't just kill the bastard when he had the chance back at Doris' house rather than releasing him.
That was a bit stupid, wasn't it? Anyhow…

"So, O' 'Alloran, we meet again", he smirks.

"Fuck you, midget".

"Tell me something, O' 'Alloran: 'ave yooo ever seen zee movie Braveheart with Mel Gibson?"

"Well, I've seen the movie but I was accompanied by Tom Cruise at the time, not Mel".

"Well then yooo will be familiar with zee fact that he endured a horrible, torturous death that transcended his life and turned him into an immortal character".

"I don't get what you're getting at, asswipe"

"Neither do I. I was just making small talk. Now! On with zee execution!!!"

The French midget signals to the burly guards (using his tongue - how else?) to lay him down upon the wooden plank. They then affix the neck restraint around his head.
O' Halloran is face down and can now see quite clearly the remote control device which controls the time machine. It's just out of reach. He couldn't reach it even with his nose and with his hands binded he struggles to think of how else to press that damn button and end this torment.

"Don't I get a last request?", O' Halloran asks.

The French midget acts in accordance with typical French charity and grace:
"Non! Mwah-ha-ha-haw!!!!",

"Fair enough. Probably too much to expect at this late stage, I guess", shrugs O' Halloran.

A voice calls out in the crowd. It's that ride of a woman, Doris.
"O' Halloran, I am pregnant!", she shouts as she waves at him from the back row.

The crowd around her cheer, for they enjoy hearing good news - especially on execution day.
The French midget does an about turn:
"Aha! But wait! She has more to tell yoo O' 'Alloran, don't yoo my pretty".

"What does he mean, sugar tits?"

Doris is helped up onto the platform, her face sad and troubled like one of those Andrex puppies that's just discovered that he hasn't been picked for the latest television ad.

"O' Halloran, I am pregnant…but not with your child..", she says in a barely audible voice.

"Whaaaaa?????!!!"m O' Halloran reacts just as Moe would in a similar situation in The Simpson's.

The French midget strolls forwards and puts his tongue around the maiden.
"Tell him, my dear. Tell him ooo is zee father of your unborn child".

She doesn't need to speak a word. O' Halloran understands fully.

"How could you? And telling me at a time like this..", he breaks down.

"I'm sorry, O' Halloran. It's just…well, it would never have worked out: you a hard drinking, semi-homosexual former cop/gay bar owner from the future; and me, a voluptuous French temptress from several hundred years ago - although I am only from several hundred years ago from your perspective", she explains earnestly, "and the evil midget was just so randy and irresistible…"

"Promise me one thing, Doris"

"Yes, my sweet, dear O' Halloran, anything. Just name it", she pants.

"When the child is born will you name it Kevin?"

"Err, hmmmm…well, you see..the midget and I had already decided on calling the baby 'Pixie-Pimp'..", she says.

"For fucks sake! You are such a fucking bitch. You won't even give me a little tiny bit of satisfaction even when I'm on the verge of death. Fuck off! That's it. Get the fuck off my guillotine platform. Go on. Fuck off", O' Halloran loses it with her as he shoos her away.

"Wha-ha-ha-ha! O' Halloran, you are such a loser!", the midget jokes, "I managed to get her pregnant and I don't even have a penis!"

"Just kill me", O' Halloran spits.

And with that, the blade is released downwards.
As it severs through O' Halloran's spinal chord his entire life flashes before his eyes:
the first time he stood in dog poo; his first shit; the time he stuck that toy soldier up his bum; Christmas morning when he got the gift of his beloved donkey Bilbo Baggins; the time he joined the police force; the first innocent person he shot; the day he was promoted to detective; the day he was promoted to Lieutenant; the day he was demoted back to detective after exposing himself to those children at the opening ceremony for the Special Olympics; the day he ate an ice cream; making love to robo female cop; having a wank; having another wank; the day he gave up trying to understand the mind behind the idiot who writes these shitty stories; having another wank on a roller coaster near Skegness.

All the memories flood back like water leaking from a bucket that has had several holes punched in it. What bastard would deliberately punch holes in a bucket? Anyhow:

And as he floats ever upwards towards the Kingdom of Heaven, O' Halloran meets all his friends who passed on before him: there is his faithful donkey smiling at him and smoking a pipe - he always loved the tobacco; why, isn't that Michael Jackson playing with young children including Tiny Timmy (The sickly kid that died at the start of this story back in Chapter 1)? Well, what do ya know: Jacko was innocent after all!!!; hello, Granny! Nice to see you didn't get sent to hell after all;
Oh, look over there! Hark the angels! It's God himself, with a big long white beard.

"Hello, God!"
"Hello, my son"
"What are you doing, God?"
"Why I'm having a wank, my son, what else?!! You don't think I sit around creating Adam's and Eve's out of nothing, do you?"
"Carry on, God. Keep up the good work"
"I will, my son. And I hope you enjoy Heaven as much as I enjoyed creating out of nothingness"
"Thanks, God. See ya later"

Then finally there's Robo Female Cop resplendent in a flowing white gown that really shows over her impressive curves to full effect.

"I've missed you, O' Halloran", she smiles angelically.

"I've missed you too, honey nipples. Am I dead or have I just tripped on too much Acid again?".

"Yes, you are indeed dead. But it's not so bad up here. God is alright and Jesus is always telling dirty stories about Mary Magdelene. It's fun. You'll enjoy it"

"But what about the future of PsychoTown and all those poor Ipswich Town supporters and homeless people (who are indelibly linked)?"

"Oh, who gives a fuck, O' Halloran, let the Epilogue explain all of that! Just shut up and kiss me!"

She grabs him in a warm embrace and she sucks the air out of him like a helium-balloon addicted freak!

********** ************* *********


Epilogue:

The Ipswich Town supporters and homeless inmates from the future all died horribly but then rose to Heaven in a cloud of magic dust. Much to their excitement and wonder they were greeted by the news that God granted them three wishes: the first was that Ipswich would win the Premier League; the second was that they would then wind the Champions Leagure; then finally, their third wish was that they all get free season tickets for the 2010-2011 leagure campaign.
God was honourable and granted these wishes and they all lived happily ever after.

Despite the French succeeding in taking over the entire planet Earth in the future, the scheme was short-lived. Everyone knows that the French have no backbone and chicken out of every situation once it gets hot and heavy. They eventually gave up and handed everything over to an evil German (but that is for another story) and their faiths were sealed from that day:

All the evil and nasty characters from the story were sent to Hell where they were tortured and tormented for ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and…..

Doris gave birth to a hell-baby which was adopted by the Devil and raised as his sidekick. She also lost her looks and became a wrinkled up old saggy windbag. Serves her right!
The evil French midget had all his teeth pulled out and his tongue removed. He was forced to wander the plains of Hell as just a stupid, gubby disembodied mouth. He was signed up by the producers of the X-Factor as a judge and replaced that other stupid, gubby disembodied mouth, Lois Walsh.

Back on Earth, the Lieutenant retired from the force and opened a chain etiquette schools were he became a master instructor in the art of cursing and swearing at those of a lower rank than he.

The person who bothered reading through this entire story rubbed their eyes and yawned, for they knew that life was too short to be sitting in front of a computer screen and reading shite typed by a stranger.

The writer of this artistic masterpiece laid down his keyboard and then he wanked in the fine tradition of that hero of hero's: O' Halloran.


Pray to God that O' Halloran does NOT return!


THE END (Thank God!)

Unhappy with this ending?
Well, fuck off!
No, only kidding, you saddo.
You can choose the Alternative ending of SALVATION instead.

Now, fuck off!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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