1 - When you're properly nutted, tell her about the girl that you were really in love with when you were 19. Tell her about how fate tore your burgeoning relationship asunder before it ever really got going. Tell her you'll always have a special place in your heart for that girl.
2 - Watch a really violent, semi-pornographic movie on the TV with the sound cranked right up. Tell her you're only watching it for research purposes, that you don't actually get off on this kind of thing. Then sit back on the couch and drool.
3 - Tell her, "Yes, your ass does look fricking huge in that dress. Maybe it's got something to do with the fact that you never stop stuffing your face you fat bitch."
4 - Kick the cat. Really hard. Women love cats, whereas men see them for what they really are - psychopathic killing machines. And manipulative at that. Boot the bastard thing really hard, preferably out of an open window. Your wife will love you for it in the long run. She just doesn't know it yet.
5 - When you're properly rat arsed, ie you can barely stand up straight, announce that you're going to cook dinner. When she protests, shush her up and tell her that Gordon Ramsay doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, and that your mum had the World's Greatest Recipe for sausages and custard. After you've completely fucked it up and destroyed the kitchen, throw the lot in the bin. It was never worth it anyway.
6 - Crop Spray the toilet. Over indulgence in alcoholic intake often results in loose bowels. This phenomenon is often referred to as 'crop spraying' or 'pebble dashing' And it usually stinks like a long dead animal. Take a newspaper with you. Blokes always read something or other on the bog. Then leave the door open when you're done so that the stench circulates around the house.
7 - Go to bed. At some point, you're going to have to. Make a point of bumping into various items of furniture, door jambs etc. whilst insisting to your wife that you're all right. Just say: "I'm all right!" as you careen from wall to wall.
8 - Try to get her knickers off in bed. You both know it's just not gonna happen, but you have to play the game. Slobber all over her with your rancid beery breath and pretend you're up for it. Hope she doesn't take you up on the offer because if she does, you won't be able to perform for shit. It'll be like using a length of rope for a snooker cue.
9 - Have an attack of the 'night terrors' - thrash around in bed screaming "No! No! Get off me you fucking bastards!" at imaginary foes. This will keep her awake all night and put her in a bad mood for days to come.
10 - Wake up in a drunken trance, get out of bed and piss in the wardrobe. Go to the top of your stairs (if you have stairs in your house - if not, the front door makes an ideal substitute) shout something really loud in Japanese, like for instance "Banzai!" or "Kamikaze!" and then hurl yourself into space, preferably not breaking your neck in the process, so you can live to fight another day.
This method is guaranteed to piss your wife off. She won't love you for it, and she won't respect you for it. In fact she'll probably file for divorce.
But what the hell...