Scene One: It's a dark and stormy night. The camera pans over the storm-driven waves of a cold and empty ocean. The Moon is full and the wind howls while chunks of ice bob up and down in the restless sea. Suddenly, a periscope breaks the surface and the soundtrack of chanting German sailors begins. It is overlaid with the sounds of wolfs howling. The periscope cuts through the water, turning left and right, back and forth, scanning the horizon for prey. The music reaches a crescendo, and then the movie's title appears, followed by the plot.
"SUBMARINE NAZIS GOTTA DIE"
"In the closing days of the war, fanatical Nazi fanatics vowed to fight to the death for their Fuhrer, and then flee to the remote jungles of South America with a vast treasure of looted Nazi gold to continue his fanatical scheme of world conquest. The most fanatical of all was Captain Wolfgang von Wolfgang, commander of the Nazi submarine Werewolf."
The camera switches to a shot inside the submarine.
Captain Wolfgang von Wolfgang is peering through the periscope. He looks exactly like every impossibly cruel and handsome Nazi officer you've ever seen on the late night movies. The camera fades to a periscope shot with the crosshairs on a huge white ship that has a huge red cross painted on its side. Then the camera fades back to the leering face of Captain Wolfgang. Beside him is Sergeant Skull van Skull. He looks exactly like Sgt. Skull.
Wolfgang: "Achtung! A hospital ship carrying allied prisoners of war and survivors of the death camps and nuns who were raped by storm troopers is stalled with engine failure in freezing waters amid a huge school of starving sharks and there are no allied destroyers to protect her. It can only be the Good Ship Lollipop commanded by my archenemy, Sir Eton Oxford Cambridge of the Royal Navy. Wunderbar! Prepare to launch torpedoes."
Sgt. Skull: "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! I've always wanted to go for a ride in a real actual submarine. Can I fire the torpedoes, Captain? Oh pretty please, can I fire the torpedoes, Captain? Can I? Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh?"
Wolfgang: "I hope you've been paying attention, Sgt. Skull. Can you tell us what good Nazi submariners do after they shoot their torpedoes?"
Skull: "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! I know that. Then we surface and blast the sinking hulk with the deck gun, and then we machinegun all the life boats, and then we dynamite all the floating corpses, and then we all dance around on the deck and guzzle schnapps and yell "Sieg Heil!" while we take pot shots at the floating survivors with submachine guns and crack jokes about the sharks eating them. Did I get it right, Captain? Did I? Did I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Can we start right now? Can I fire the torpedoes? Can I ..."
Wolfgang: "Shut up and stop jumping up and down like a Dusseldorf dummkopf. And now can you tell us what little joke we German submariners make about sharks and why they are so clever?"
Skull: "Yeah. We call them Adolf's little helpers because they make their own catsup while they eat."
Captain Wolfgang and Sgt. Skull do a high five while howling with laughter. Then the camera fades to the deck of the Good Ship Lollipop. Captain Eton Oxford Cambridge is standing on the bridge and puffing a pipe. He looks exactly like every impossibly cultured and reserved English gentleman you've ever seen in the late night movies. Captain Cambridge looks down at a shivering, emaciated old man wrapped in a blanket.
Old Man: "Don't worry about me. I'm just a poor old fiddle maker who has suffered all his life."
Captain Cambridge: "Don't worry, my good fellow. Soon you shall be safe in America."
The camera fades back to the Submarine. Captain Wolfgang is peering through the periscope.
Captain Wolfgang: "Achtung! Achtung! Prepare to fire torpedoes."
Sgt. Skull: "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Can I put my hat on backwards and look through the periscope, too. Oh pretty please can I? Can I? Can I? ... Care for a swig of this schnapps I just happened to bring along, Captain Wolfgang sir? Guzzle. Guzzle. Guzzle."
At this point Captain Wolfgang whacks Sgt. Skull several times with a swagger stick.
Captain Wolfgang: "Idiot! Just do as I say. Every time I say, 'Achtung! In the name of der Fuhrer, fire torpedo number whatever,' then you push the red button and yell, 'Sieg Heil! Torpedo number whatever fired.' Do you think you can handle that, dummkopf?"
Sgt. Skull: "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! I can't wait to fire the torpedoes. Guzzle. Guzzle. Guzzle. Are you sure you wouldn't care for a snort of this schnapps?"
Captain Wolfgang: "Idiot! Stop wasting my time. In the name of der Fuhrer, fire torpedo number one."
Sgt. Skull pushes the red button: "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Yaa Hoo! Sieg Heil! Hey, you limies, did you know my grandmother was one-third Irish?"
Captain Wolfgang whacks Sgt. Skull several times with his swagger stick. Sgt. Skull staggers back and spills some schnapps on a control panel. Sparks and smoke spurt out.
Captain Wolfgang: "Idiot, you've shorted out the circuits of the steering mechanism and it's stuck in the right turn position. Now I will have to fire all our torpedoes in the hope that one will find it's target because we are out of control and spinning in circles. Now shut up and just say, 'Sieg Heil! Torpedo number whatever fired.' OK, let's try it again. Achtung! In the name of der Fuhrer, fire torpedo number two."
Sgt. Skull pushes the button.
Sgt. Skull: "Guzzle. Guzzle Guzzle. OK, I think I got it this time. Sieg Heil, torpedo whatever fired. Can I put my hat on backwards now?"
Captain Wolfgang whacks Sgt. Skull with his swagger stick.
Captain Wolfgang: "Idiot! Can't you do anything right? Achtung! In the name of der Fuhrer, fire torpedo number three."
Sgt. Skull guzzles some more schnapps and pushes the button.
Sgt. Skull: "Uh ... torpedo fired ... Whatever else was I supposed to say? I wish this submarine would stop going around in circles, I'm getting dizzy."
Captain Wolfgang whacks Skull over the head again, and the camera switches to the deck of the Good Ship Lollipop. A lookout is scanning the sea with his binoculars.
Lookout: "Captain Cambridge, three torpedoes are running towards us from the port side. Range 500 yards and closing, sir."
Old Man: "Don't worry about me. I'm just an old fiddle maker who has suffered all his life."
Captain Cambridge: "Lookout, see to it that my private launch is stocked with plenty of rum and a picnic basket. Then sound the abandon ship alarm and then return to your duty station here. And uh ... try to be discrete about all this, if you know what I mean, old chap."
Lookout: "Aye, aye, me Lord."
Captain Cambridge looks directly at the camera and puffs his pipe a bit.
Captain Cambridge: "I say, has anyone else besides me noticed how incredibly stupid British enlisted men always are?"
The camera cuts back to inside the submarine.
Captain Wolfgang: "Achtung! In the name of the Fuhrer, fire torpedo number 17."
Skull: "OK. OK. Here goes number 17. Sieg Heil, y'all."
Captain Wolfgang: "Swinehunt! Pay attention or I will transfer you to the Russian Front."
Captain Wolfgang commences to give our hero the what-for with the swagger stick.
Skull: "BAWK! Like cut me some slack, man. I mean like go check the IQ scores in my personnel file. Why the heck do you think they sent me to the infantry in the first place? I can't remember all this complicated technical stuff."
The camera cuts to a shot of an American patrol boat racing at full power through the pack ice and howling wind. The camera zooms in to reveal the name on the vessel's side. It is the "Big Dumb Cowboy." The camera zooms in on the bridge of the patrol boat, where Captain Big Dumb Cowboy stands scanning the horizon with his binoculars. He looks exactly like every big dumb cowboy you've seen on the after-midnight B movies.
Captain Big Dumb Cowboy: "We may not get there in time to save the innocent victims of the fanatical Nazi fanatics, but I reckon a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, so all them Nazi submariners gotta die."
Sgt. Skull: "Uh ... OK ... but what happened to Captain Wolfgang, and who are you, and who's the pencil-neck geek over there with the beret and the ascot who's sitting in the folding chair and holding that loud speaker?"
Guy sitting in the folding chair holding the loud speaker: "Cut! Cut! You idiot! You're in the wrong set. And this ain't no loudspeaker, it's my nose. How many times do I gotta tell you - no Jew jokes. If you can't stay sober or remember your lines, at least stop staggering into the wrong sets."
The camera cuts back to the submarine.
Captain Wolfgang: "Sgt. Skull, where have you been, you idiot? Get back to your duty station like a good German submariner."
Sgt. Skull: "OK. OK. Don't have a cow, Ahab."
Captain Wolfgang: "Achtung! In the name of the Fuhrer, fire the 27th and final torpedo."
Sgt. Skull. "OK! OK! I fired the damn thing. So Sieg Heil and I'm glad this crap is over."
Captain Wolfgang commences to give the cringing Sgt. Skull the what-for with his swagger stick.
Captain Wolfgang: "Idiot! Swinehunt! Dummkopf!"
Skull: "BAWK! Lighten up with the paddy whacker, Captain Bligh. I'm tired of this chicken s**t outfit. I wanna transfer back to the infantry."
Captain Wolfgang: "Mutinous dog! You will remain at your post like a good German soldier. We will now surface and you will fire the deck gun into the sinking enemy vessel."
Sgt. Skull: "Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! I always wanted to fire one of them deck guns. I was just kidding about that transfer, Captain Wolfgang, old buddy."
The camera cuts to the deck of the hospital ship. The abandon ship alarm is going off and there is general panic as the crew starts to lower the lifeboats over the side.
Old man: "Don't worry about me. I'm just a poor old fiddle maker who has suffered all his life."
The first torpedo hits the Good Ship Lollipop and the tremendous explosion causes instant panic.
Sailor rushing up to Captain Cambridge: "Captain Cambridge, we've been struck amidships by the first torpedo, but the others are running wildly in all directions. It looks like they'll all miss."
Lookout: "Captain Cambridge, a submarine just surfaced on our port side. It appears to be spinning in circles.
The shells from the deck gun start screaming in and striking the Good Ship Lollipop. KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!
Sailor manning the sonar: "Captain Cambridge, we're picking up some really weird stuff. It sounds like some dog barking or something."
The camera cuts to the deck of the submarine.
Captain Wolfgang: "Dummkopf! Stop firing at those seagulls and get back to firing at the enemy."
Skull: "Ahroooooooooo! Yip! Yip! Yip! Ahroooooooooo!"
Captain Wolfgang: "Lunatic! No firing at the moon either. Stop wasting the Fuhrer's ammunition and get back to firing at the enemy vessel."
Sgt. Skull continues to guzzle schnapps and fire wildly at anything that moves, flies, swims - whether it's alive or dead or inanimate. Then our hero starts firing at the life boats that bob up and down in the water while the submarine spins hopelessly in circles.
Skull: "Yaa Hoo! I think I'm having a religious experience. Hey you singing nuns, Sgt. Skull just booked your next act with Davey Jones. KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! I never did like on-hit wonders. Hey you flyboys, why come you guys always get to wear the snappy leather jackets and us infantry grunts never do? KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! Hey, check that out. I never knew you could load so many people into a lifeboat. Guzzle. Guzzle. Guzzle. I guess that's because they're so damn skinny. KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM! Oh Hell! What's that bearing down on us. BAWK! It's an American patrol boat and I'm in the freaking kraut navy. I wish I was back in the infantry. Here goes nothing. KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOOM!"
The camera cuts to the bridge of the patrol boat. An explosion rocks the vessel and a fire erupts.
Chief Petty Officer: "Captain Cowboy, we've been hit by a shell from the enemy submarine. The ammo locker is on fire and will explode in minutes. Should we abandon ship, sir?"
Captain Cowboy: "No way. I reckon a man's gotta do what a man's gotta, so all them Nazi submariners gotta die. Prepare to ram the enemy submarine."
At this point the chief petty officer looks directly into the camera.
Chief Petty Officer: "Has anyone besides myself ever noticed how incredibly stupid America officers always are in the movies?"
At this point, the chief petty officer jumps overboard with an inflatable liferaft.
The camera cuts back to the submarine.
Captain Wolfgang: "A burning enemy patrol boat is 100 meters off the starboard bow and is closing at full speed. Mein Gott! I think the Amerikan dummkopfs are going to ram us. All hands below deck. DIVE! DIVE!"
The submarine horn sounds off: "Ahooooooga! Ahoooooga! Ahoooooga!"
Sgt. Skull: "Hey! Wait just a doggone minute. I'm beginning to think there's something fishy going on here and it ain't got nothing to do with the sea. I've seen all those old movies where the German submarine dives and all of a sudden it's PING! PING! PING! and then they start with the depth charges and all of a sudden it's KABLAMO, and the screen goes blank, and then the credits roll. I'm transferring back to the infantry right now."
Sgt. Skull starts to jump overboard with an inflatable life raft, but the patrol boat crashes into the submarine and a tremendous explosion occurs. Miraculously, Sgt. Skull and Captain Wolfgang are both blown clear and they land badly shaken but otherwise OK on the deck of Captain Cambridge's private launch which just happens to be passing by headed for merry old England.
Captain Cambridge: "I say, chaps, I don't believe we've been introduced."
Sgt. Skull: "I'm Sgt. Skull of GoonCorp. The other dude is Captain Wolfgang von Wolfgang, formerly in command of the German submarine Werewolf. Who the hell are you and what the Heck is going on here?"
Captain Cambridge: "I'm Sir Eton Oxford Cambridge of His Majesty's Royal Navy, formerly in command of the Good Ship Lollipop. The gentleman with the ascot is the famous director, Mr. Spillbilge. The elderly gentleman wrapped in the blanket is ... I don't really know his name, but we've all seen him a million times before. I'm sure we are all pleased to make the acquaintance of you two gentleman."
Old man: "Don't worry about me, I'm just a poor old fiddle maker who has suffered all my life."
Sgt. Skull: "Do you mean the famous director Steven Spillbilge? Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Could you autograph my bottle of schnapps?"
Spillbilge: "Idiot! You've just ruined an entire day's shooting. Do you realize how much that comes to? Oy! Why do I always get stuck with all the idiots?"
Sgt. Skull: "OK. I get it now. Nothing is real here."
Captain Cambridge: "Well, old chap, that all depends on how one looks at it. It's just as real as 911, or Pearl Harbor, or the stock market, or the evening news."
Sgt. Skull: "Yeah, I get it now. We've got to keep making these stupid and unreal movies over and over again till the end of time. Can't some great leader save us?"
Captain Cambridge: "I think you've already answered that question earlier, old chap. Look at the bright side of things - you and the rest of the GoonCorp chaps can look forward to full employment for ever and ever."
Sgt. Skull: "Oh, Hell! I just hope none of this is real and I just had too much to drink and fell asleep watching the late show again. I think I'm going to have a hangover."