Written by John Nugent
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Friday, 11 July 2003

image for Penguins - the verdict Penguins: strange yellow necks

Recently here at TheSpoof, there has been some talk -- negative talk, I must divulge -- of a small breed of flightless Antarctic birds known as Penguins. As a distinguished and well-thought-of writer (by my mum), I feel this is an important theme which must be continued; a matter that must be discussed - and a case that, ultimately, should be closed.

Therefore I have decided to proceed with researching our cold feathered friends for the purposes of good journalism, remaining a completely neutral stance on my personal opinion so as to allow the reading public to establish their own fair and proper judgement. However, I will say this: if anyone's seen "28 Days Later", it was the animal rights people who let the infected chimps free at the start of the film and essentially caused the destruction of the human race. Okay? Just...bear that in mind.

And so, I began my tireless research. This research involved entering "Penguins" into Google and seeing what came up. Many an hour in a dark, windowless room was spent, and the results, as you will soon see, are, I think you'll find, terribly, terribly uninteresting.

The first link to appear in bright bold blue and underlined on my search results screen is Pittsburgh Penguins. I enter the website, not knowing what to expect....

I am intrigued. It would seem that a small colony of Penguins has formed a team of hockey players, in order to make their millions and gather lucrative sponsorship deals with Nike and E!A! SPORTS!. This is certainly an unexpected appearance: these penguins appear to be resourceful, enterprising, and rather nifty with a hockey stick. Suddenly, the breed take on a new and impressive image.

After the anomalytic high of Pittsburgh, I find my penguins coming crashing back down to earth with the next search result. A dire, blank website, SeaWorld's Education Department Resource on Penguins leaves us with little more than we already knew (uh, penguins are endothermic? Like, I knew that before I learnt how to read, man!)

The only images show penguins as overweight, bumbling good-for-nothings, whose fish-catching days are long over. These penguins sport none of the prowess or dynamo-like qualites that made their Pittsburgh counterparts shine so very bright. We have dropped to a real low here.

But wait! There is still hope for our feathered friends! The third site on Google's search appears, to the blind eye, to be nothing more than another unimaginative SeaWorld. However, diving under the surface, one will find that Penguins In New Zealand is an absolute gem of a Penguin-site. It is worth visiting just for the penguin on the front page! Less of a penguin than a bonafide exhibitionist, this fella boasts a hugely attractive Beckham-esque mohican with some nicely added blonde highlights. I would imagine his name was Jason and he likes motorbikes and "hot chicks".

And yet there's more to this site than Jason (he lets me call him 'Jas'). There's penguin games - played, purely for overtime research, by this investigative reporter into the early and unsociable hours. There's information on Penguin events, including a penguin puppet show and the 5th Annual International Penguin Conference (I swear to Jesus I'm not making this up). There's a penguin webcam, for chrissake. A GODDAMN PENGUIN WEBCAM!!! At this point it is excruciatingly difficult to stop yourself from involuntary ejaculation. Really.

After this point, my research slowed down, as I became engrossed in the Peguins In New Zealand site, but I would imagine it's more of the same. What is important, though, is that the plight of these strange, endothermic birds has been thoroughly and pointlessly investigated in order to bring forth the truth. And that truth is:

Penguins ROCK!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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