James Bond walked into his office in Central London this morning with a sense of futility, for he could hardly stand another day of doing paperwork.
'Morning, James', his secretary Miss Moneylaundry said to him, but he merely grunted a reply and went through to his desk. 'There's a memo for you from M', she called through to him, and his eyes lit up as he realised another mission was about to begin at last.
Bond quickly opened the memo, and read through it then went back to Miss Moneylaundry's. 'M wants to see me immediately', he said to her, and she buzzed through to the office of Bond's chief. 'You can go in now', and Bond knocked on the door and entered M's room.
'Ah, 007, good to see you again, good to see you. Have you read my memo?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Russian sportswoman Anastasia Gerremov wants to defect, and I want you to arrange this. And James', and Bond knew that M was feeling awkward about the case, as he was now using his first name,
'I know that the United Kingdom isn't our usual remit, as we are responsible for overseas security, but I've chosen you for this job as, frankly, MI5 would just mess it all up, as they usually do.' 'Very good, sir.' 'So take this file on Miss Gerremov away with you, and see what you can do', and Bond knew that he was now dismissed.
In his office he read through the 'For Your Ayes Only' file. 'Anastasia Gerremov. Born Tver, Soviet Union. Age 24. Married to Anton Martinski. No children. No political affiliation, does usual occasional Communist Party propaganda work as a sports star but grudgingly.'
'Will attend World Darts Championships in Wolverhampton this week as part of the Soviet Union team. Wishes to defect for personal reasons, as wants to divorce Martinski and marry Englishman Tony Martin, whom she met last year at the Siberian Salt and Pepper Mine Tournament.'
And an addenda added: 'After Miss Gerremov is knocked out of the tournament, bring her to this office for defectors' processing. Use discretion, as she is very popular with darts fans in Britain, they may think she is being taken away against her will. Draw firearm, but only use in emergency, as British are not saps and are quite tough enough without guns. Destroy this file immediately. M.'
The next afternoon Bond arrived in Wolverhampton, using his special MI6 Train Fare Dodgers' pass, and went along to the large Wolverhampton Civic Hall. Because Anastasia Gerremov was scheduled to play her first match for the Soviet Union against The Netherlands there, and as Bond took his seat the Russian star appeared for her walk-in as her tune 'Working In A Salt Mine' began to play.
Anastasia, her figure looking like a 33''-24''-37'' to Bond's experienced eyes, began awkwardly, clearly showing nerves at being in the decadant West for the first time. But soon the English crowd were cheering for her and booing her opponent, who looked like a very boring Boer, and she began showing why she's become one of the world's best players with a superb 180, to great applause and chants of 'Anastasia, Anastasia!' And after that the Soviet beauty slowly took control of the match, and won it at the end by 5 legs to 4.
At the post-match interview she said to an ITV reporter: 'Yes, it was a good match, thank you. I play well, but of course I did it for the glorious Soviet Union to show the capitalist British that communism is the way forward for all the nations of the world.'
'And I did it for the chance of shaking my tail at the walk-in, da!' After that she was about to arrange a taxi with her KBG escort to take them both back to the Enoch Powell Hotel, when James Bond appeared and took her gently by the arm.
'Miss Gerremov', he said to her quietly, 'I work for MI6, and I believe you wish to defect from the Soviet Union.' 'It is Mrs., but never mind. Yes I wish for defection, but first please take me to a Travelodge where we can make hours of hot love together to fill in this story.' 'Let's go!', and soon the pair were sharing a bed in a wild session of the sort of thing adolescents need to write articles in TheSpoof.yawn about, as they've never actually done any of them themselves.
The next morning Bond and Gerremov took the train to London, with the Russian defector in the toilet with a bottle of Petrolov vodka to avoid the fare, and by noon they were walking through Hyde Park, hand in hand.
'James', she said to the special agent. 'Yesh? I mean yes?' 'I'm sorry, but I love another.' 'Another what?', Bond said, fearing some distressing tale about yaks or white tigers, or even Tory MPs. 'Another man.' 'Oh.' 'His name is -' 'Tony Martin?' 'But yes, how did you know?'
James Bond sighed, and let go of her hand. 'Because I know you have defected to marry him, and so now I will go and drown my sorrows in eighteen vodka martinis and a bag of chips out of that iffy chippy just off the Old Kent Road.' 'I am sorry, James, I did not mean it to end so clichedly as this.'
'Well, look on the bright side, doll, you were pretty good in bed, and I had all that we did in bed secretly recorded on film in case you decide to try and return to Russia.' 'Curse you and the evil West!', Gerremov shouted, and then began screaming 'Help! Help! This man attacking me, help!', and soon Bond was being led away by a London policeman.
Mrs. Gerremov divorced her husband and married Tony Martin, and became a UK citizen. James Bond is still serving his sentence but in Spain in an open EU prison, where he refuses to buy anyone any drinks. M has since retired and his real name of Malachi von Dusseldorf-O'Hohoho can now be revealed, which explains why he preferred to be called M.
The chip shop off the Old Kent Road was taken over by Bengalis, and now offers customers rat suppers and chips cooked in fusel oil, the Soviet Union collapsed peacefully, giving the USA no reason to exist any more.
Miss Moneylaundry finally got married, and is now Mrs. Honeybunnyfunnypenny, and Anastasia Gerremov became the world champion at ladies' darts. And when she did she said she was 'shaken, not stirred'.
Ian Flaming went on to write the children's book 'Shitty Shitty Articles', for some feeble website that never has any decent ones in it any more.