Written by matwil
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Saturday, 14 November 2009

image for 'Large VAT, Dave, and put it on the slate' 'Pssst! Wanna buy a used airline?'

[Cheesy music, credits run]

[Scene: The Winchester Club in Hammersmith]

'Wotcher, Dave, 'as Arfur been in today?' 'No, Tel, 'e's not been in for days. Why not try the lockup?' 'Yeah, might just do that. Give us a lager, please.' 'Comin' up.'

[Detective Inspector Chisholm appears, followed by his Welsh sergeant, Terry McCann starts to quickly leave]

''Old it, McCann! Where are you going? 'Got to see a man about a dog.' 'And I've got to see an Arthur Daley about a very iffy multinational deal that's gone down in West London this week.' 'What would that have to do with Arthur?'

'When there's an iffy deal in West London and Arthur Daley is alive, the two are usually connected.' Well, I ain't seen him, have I, Dave?' 'E's on the level, Mr. Chisholm, neither of us has seen Arthur for days.' 'Maybe he's finally been caught fencing!'

'He wouldn't know a sabre from an epee, hahahaha!' 'Yes, thank you, Jones, if he's seen in this den of thieves let me know. Come, Jones, we have more low-life criminals to catch.'

[Both leave while Terry makes 'en guarde' fencing mime behind their backs]

[Arthur Daley slowly appears from behind the bar, mopping his brow]

''As 'e gorn yet? A large VAT, Dave, and put it on the slate.' 'Where did you spring from, Arthur?' 'It's the Spanish, they're after me, Dave!' 'Spanish?' 'The Inquisition boys, I'm a nervous wreck, I tell you. It's almost as bad as that time 'Er Indoors made me go and stay with my inlaws just because I wouldn't buy her that new hat.' What are you rabbiting on about the Spaniards for?'

'Come over and sit down, Terry, I may need you to hit some people. Now, have you heard the news this week?' 'Yeah, Fulham finally won a match!' 'No, no, your actual real news, about them aeroplane companies.' 'Yeah, I heard something about it, some sort of merger going to 'appen?' 'That's what I mean, it's [lowers voice] very hush-hush, so not a word to anyone. I don't want any outsider dealing going on.' 'OK.'

'Our Lady wanted me to do the negotiations, and I've pulled it all off. British Airways and Ibizan are merging into one giant airline soon, and all thanks to yours truly.' 'Our Lady?' [Arthur takes off his hat] 'Mrs. Thatcher'. [Puts hat back on]

'She didn't want any spivs or crooks involved in this highly sensitive business deal.' 'So why did she hire you then, ha ha ha ha.' 'Very droll, she needed my business acumen to arrange such a - [lowers voice again] what could be seen by some as the creation of a cartel.'

'A what?' 'No, a cartel. When two big companies join together to fix prices to fleece your average punter.' 'Is that allowed?' 'Dunno, but it's been done now, just don't tell Plod it was me what arranged it all.' 'That reminds me, Chisholm was in 'ere earlier looking for you, Arthur.' 'What!' 'With his druid.' 'Thanks, Dave, time to get off to -'

[Chisholm and Jones come down the stairs of the club again]

'Evening, Mr. Chisholm, and what do we owe the pleasure of this visit by our fearless -' 'Ah ha, Arthur, there you are, we've been looking for you, I'm sure McCann has told you.' 'Well -' 'Two airlines made one of the sleaziest deals in world history this week. Come on.' 'Where to?' 'You're nicked, Arthur, and you too, McCann.' [grabs Arthur] 'Dave! Phone Amnesty International! This is a gross breach of my rights as -' 'Shut it!'

[Arthur and Terry led up the stairs]

[Scene: West Kensington Police Station]

'We're in a bit of bother this time, Arthur, now what do we do?' 'Don't worry, Terence, have I ever let you down?' 'Frequently.' 'My brief will be round shortly, he'll soon spring us. They can't hold the Birdman of Kensington for too long.' 'Arthur, you've really flipped this time. And what about the Spanish Inquisition? What are you going to do about them?' 'I expect something will turn up.' 'Nobody expects -'

[Door opens and Detective Inspector Chisholm comes in with DS Jones]

'Right, you two, to the front desk. Now.' 'Wh -?' ''To get booked out. It seems that nobody is pressing charges for the illegal merging of two airlines to form a cartel that spans much of the world. Come on. Out!'

[On the station steps, Arthur lights a cigar]

'Didn't I tell you I would get us out of here?' 'Yeah, but it was kind of lucky, the charges not being pressed, wasn't it?' 'Luck had nothing to do with it, my old son, once more Arthur Daley has won through. Once more -' 'Yeah yeah yeah, come on, I could do with a pint.'

[Back at The Winchester Club]

'So you see, Terence, never look a Spanish gift donkey in the eye. Using Her contacts in Fleet Street and the BBC, Our Lady made sure no-one would think this deal was anything but kosher. It was even called 'promising' in The Financial Times!' 'But if Chisholm thought a bunch of cowboys and spivs arranged the deal - no offence - how come we're out of the nick again?'

'Because we have committed no crime, and there's a fortune now to be made out of this cartel. As for the Inquisition, I'll bung 'em a couple of sovs to keep them in paella for a week or two, that'll keep those banditos happy. So I would now like to make a speech to you all here in this fine establishment.'

'Friends, Londoners and citymen, I come here today not to praise sangria, but to just say this.' 'The sangrias are on me.' 'The sangrias are on me. No, wait! I meant ...

[Credits run to Dennis Waterman singing:

'If you don't want it we'll still change the situation
Monopoly for us, no investigation
We've got a good idea
Just keep the papers here (in our pockets)

We could be so good for us
We can put our prices up
We can charge just what we like
We'll be so bad for you

Need a quick trip to sunny old Costa del Sol?
Got a wanted sign in every branch of Interpol?
We've got a bad idea
Stop using Ryan Air

We could be so good for us (We're gonna help us)
We can put our prices up
We can charge just what we like
We'll be so bad for you

We could be so good for us
Watch as our shares go up
BA the world's worst airline
Will be so bad for you']

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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