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Wednesday, 6 October 2004

image for Continental drift confirmed by EC Now you see it, now you dont

An unknown private secretary to the European Commission has leaked details of a hitherto secret study being conducted by the EC Landmass Reassignment Group (ECLRAG) in which it has been confirmed that continental drift - the movement of whole countries or indeed continents which "float" on a sea of molten magma - is continuing apace. The study reflects on the sudden disappearance of Wales from the EC map.

Until now continental drift was thought to be a slow process. For example, America and Europe were once joined in a kind of pre-Cambrian North Atlantic Alliance (albeit the Atlantic itself was still in its infancy). They are separating at a speed of 20 millimetres per year. This of course means that the "special relationship" between the UK and the USA has existed for at least 2 billion years BT (Before Thatcher). However, the sudden sinking of Wales shows that continental drift can be sudden and catastrophic, akin to the disappearance of Atlantis itself in circa 2000 BC.

A spokesman for the Department of Stealth and Total Obscurity (DOSTO) is being quoted by Whitehall sources today that Wales has in fact never existed and was a figment of everyone's imagination.

History books are now being hastily re-written to delete all references to Wales or "The Welsh", a difficult proposition given that so much culture has hitherto been ascribed to this Celtic nation. For example, Richard Burton is now being associated with Pontefract rather than Pontrhydyfen. The Maesteg male voice choir had its roots in Maes Taing (Orkney), not the valleys of South Wales and invented their "origins" in order to compete with Live Aid. And the Parliamentarians who were given such a bashing by the "Men of Harlech" are now believed to have been tripping on opium at the time and invented the story to appease Oliver Cromwell.

King Offa is thought to be turning in his grave, having spent a dark-ages fortune in building a dyke along the boundary between England and the perceived principality, whereas all he achieved was a magnificent sea-wall.

The BBC is reportedly furious at having spent so much taxpayers' money on Welsh language editions over the last 22 years. However, their chairman Sir Titus Fistus agrees that there are now substantial opportunities for savings.

The police have now closed the M4 and M48 motorways since it was realised that all vehicles travelling over both Severn bridges were in fact just dropping into the sea.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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