Written by Rob Barratt
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Monday, 9 November 2009

image for The Final Ceilidh At the Non-Celtic Connections Fest ...

The Celtic "thing" seems to be getting bigger all the time in the music world. New bands with Celtic names that have to be explained to 99% of the UK population are being formed. In Scotland every January there is a big music festival called the Celtic Connections Festival and I feel a bit excluded from this. I don't have any Celtic connections and this doesn't bother me one way or the other but I'm a bit fed up with hearing how wonderful Celtic things are, especially as Celts ceased to exist a very long time ago. So, I've created a rival festival for everyone who has no Celtic connections, called the Non-Celtic Connections Fest to be held in Dudley or Peterborough or Norwich or somewhere else suitably non-Celtic.. It will run at the same time as the Celtic Connections but you won't be allowed in if you have any Celtic connections. I will re-direct you to the festival in Scotland. By the way, if you didn't know, a ceilidh (pronounced kaylee) is a barn dance and Siobahn (pronounced Shervorn) is an Irish girl's name. The Copper Family were a well known traditional a capella folk singing group from Sussex. Brum is Birmingham. Thanks. Rob

The Final Ceilidh by Rob Barratt

At the non-Celtic Connections Fest
There are oodles of Angles, stacks of Saxons
Rastafarians, Bavarians and English vegetarians
It's a weird do, no Irish stew
No bodhrans, no sporrans
No ulian pipes, no anti-English gripes
No Merbyn Kernow or Plaid Cymru stands
No incessantly droning bagpipe bands
No Breton ballads, no haggis salads
There's a smattering of Alsatians, Croatians
And many, many other nations
But no Celtic words, strangely spelt
And not one single singing Celt

Morris dancers in the middle
No Welsh harp, nary a fiddle
Bangkok ladyboys in wigs
No reels, no jigs
African drums from Chad and Gambia
Rhythmic South American samb-ia
Antarctic penguins wing-flapping
Spanish flamenco hand clapping
Gurus with didgeridoos in queues for portaloos, happy crapping
The whole thing so energy sapping
Internationalism at its best
At the non-Celtic Connections Fest

A small Siberian shamanist
Demonstrates the pagan twist
There goes a Viking, mountain biking
A Bodmin poet, open miking
Films of polar ice melting
But no fields full of Celts "celting"
No one called Siobahn or Alex
No Cornish, no Gallics
Marquees full of Vietnamese refugees
Senegalese, Chinese, Somalis
And you can listen out but you will not
Hear a Gaelic air sung by a Scot

Chavs from Essex, Goths from Kent
In the Aboriginal tent
Indonesians in sarongs
Singing Copper Family songs
Masai tribesmen flogging cars
Russians propping up the bars
Native Americans and Laps
With Geisha girls eating bacon baps
Foreign accents of every inflection
But none with any Celtic connection

But on the last night of the fest
They'll all dress up in Sunday best
Fire eaters, clowns on stilts
(But nobody in bloody kilts)
They'll all head down to the big main stage
Colourful saris, cardigans of beige
And they'll congregate for one last dance
Stand on the side and then advance
Onto the floor to give it some
Swedes from Sweden, Brummies from Brum
Then everybody will hold hands
And festival-goers from non-Celtic lands
Each Thai, Palestinian and Israeli
Will come together for the final…….. ceilidh

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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