Arrive at Jerusalem, dodging sniper bullets from Hamas gunmen. Bravely visit the Wailing Wall under armed Israeli escort, who shoot dead two unarmed Palestinian youths there for 'being unarmed, unemployed, and hungry in their own country'.
Visit the Bank of Tel-Aviv and gift it $30 million, 'As an early Christmas present, I know how important Christmas is here for you guys. And shucks, you'll want to use the money to build new state of the art sewerage and water supplies in Gaza, won't you? The ones there now are all in ruins! Did the Romans build them?'
Stand at the top of some steps and wave importantly, ignore a passing camel herder saying 'Who is that weird woman pulling faces at? And who is she?' Check with CNN that 'me waving at nobody will show the dumb American TV viewers that America is important here'.
Hand over another $30 million to the Bank of Tel-Aviv, just in case they need more money to build schools and medical centers. Don't notice an Israeli Prime Minister carefully handing it over to a tank and jet salesman.
Ignore over 2 million desperate Palestinian men, women and children crammed into a huge concentration camp called Gaza City, where water supplies are regularly cut off and harmless people are shot dead by Israeli snipers.
Forget that Israel committed shocking war crimes earlier this year, using tanks and jets to destroy hospitals, schools and mosques, killing thousands of civilians, and say nothing about that mass murder. Get a 'Thank You' card from Benjamin Netanyahu.
Have lunch with somebody or other with a strange-sounding name and a long beard and a black hat. As you have a firm grasp of Middle Eastern history and culture, ask him 'Where's the nearest hamburger stand? I'd love a nice juicy quarter pounder with cheese smothered in pork sausages and bacon, plus a milk shake.'
Trust your lunch guest when your translator says he said 'We are honoured for your visit, you and your country bring hope and peace to a troubled world', when he actually said 'You know nothing of the world, and you give us all of your money you are so weak, you dumb American goyim!'
Hold press conference to announce 'We are here to ensure peace for the people here, people who aren't Americans, so what the heck I'm doing here talking about peace here is beyond me. And ridiculous, seeing as I'm really here to arm bloodthirsty genocidal Israeli maniacs to carry out more genocide against the Palestinians.'
'Some peace!' Keep smiling and using the word 'peace' over and over, to hypnotise the American taxpayers that send their taxes to fund those maniacs.
Make brief flying visit to an Israeli settlement in Morocco. When asked by the local Moroccans there what the hell Israelis are doing in part of the world that isn't theirs and has been Arabic for thousands of years, feign a sudden attack of laryngitis, say nothing and fly back to Jerusalem.
Go to the Temple on the Mount, and say: 'This holiest of places is holy to all of the three great religions in the world - to Protestants, to Catholics and to Baptists - and was built by the Romans. But then Muslim terrorists lead by Saddam Hussein and his henchmen destroyed the Temple. We now have to create a road map to a piece of peace here in this Templar, built by the Knights of the Temple of King David.'
'When Saint John founded his hospital within these very walls, he showed the world that Americans are compassionate and fair and just, and know all about this land, whichever the hell one I'm in today, and so my father named me after that great hospitable Hospitaller, Saint Hillary of the Knights of the Round Temple.'
Pull weird faces for the press photographers, one minute looking like a deranged rodent of some sort on amphetamine sulphate, the next looking like a transvestite pleading not guilty to stealing a loaf of bread out of Ari Cohen's cake and fish shop in Haifa. Puzzled media ask for more photos, but have to give up when only get pictures of an escapee from a mental asylum for inbred banjo players in Black Oak, Arkansas, and use Photoshop to alter them to an at least half sane woman.
Ask to visit Bethlehem, but told it's under curfew again, and ask why. 'Because the occupying fascist Israeli government love to put what are Palestinian Arabic cities under curfew for no reason except to mistreat the people there'. Laugh heartily, as think that was a joke.
Drop into the Bank again to hand over more millions of US dollars, then take tea with an Orthodox priest. Say 'This country sure is nice, must be weird though, the Jewish people of Israel with all those Arab countries as neighbors'. Priest points out that millions of Israelis aren't Jewish. Laughs, as think that was a joke.
Get phone call from Barack Obama. 'I hope Hamas machine-gun you to death and throw your remains into the Dead Sea, you monstrous, backstabbing embarrassment to the USA!' Laugh politely, and say 'Yes, things are going very well, thank you, Mr. President', as bodyguards are nearby listening to what you say.
Watch 'The Simpsons Go To Israel' on your handheld computer, to get typical American education about the Middle East. Laugh as Benjamin Netanyahu guest stars in it as a mass-murdering war criminal funded by your own government, thinking 'As if! Ha ha ha ha!, those guys crack me up with their silly jokes!'
More sniper fire at you as you drive to Tel-Aviv airport, plus Hamas fire hundreds of rocket bombs at your car, bearded Arabs continually leap out at you with cutlasses to try and attack you, and a suspiciously British looking man shakes a vodka martini at you in anger. 'Just another day in the life of Hillary Rodham Clinton', you think, as your driver swerves to avoid a charge at your car by a regiment of Cossacks on elephants.
As your plane starts moving wave and put your face against the perspex so people can see you, making it look distorted and grotesque like in a hall of mirrors. Nobody notices any difference from your usual expressions.
Begin long session with your onboard psychiatrist. 'Now, how are you feeling today, Mrs. Clinton?' 'Fine, fine! All is fine!' 'Tell me about your visit to Israel.' 'Well, more snipers kept shooting at me, and Cossacks too. Oh, and Barack Obama was cruel and heartless to the most talented female politician since Marge Simpson.'
'To Margaret Thatcher?' 'To me. He said I was a talentless, lying, delusional harridan, that goes round the world looking weird and handing out American money to murderous regimes. Regimes in countries that might as well be at the South Pole, for all I know about them.'
'And how does that make you feel?' 'Well, kinda like a typical American tourist, I guess. Ignorant, naive, insulting, and so unintelligent I get conned everywhere I go into losing all my money.' 'Tell me about your childhood.'
'Well, when I was 4 we all went to Stalingrad, in Hungary, and man, just as soon as we arrived there a siege began! So my mom took me and we went round the city talking about peace and road maps, which sure helped the thousands that were being attacked and starved by the German Germans there.'
'And were you happy?' 'Sure was, for the first time in my life I was in a foreign country being the center of attention, and making all sorts of strange faces and being shot at by snipers, and since then it's just kept happening.'
'OK, time for your medications now, Mrs. Clinton. Here's 200mg of Delusionzine, 100mg of Selff Impportants, 300mg of Yank-Ignorans, and 400mg of Anti-Obamants.' 'Thank you, doctor.' 'Now try and get some rest, you have another busy day pulling faces and handing out weapons tomorrow in whatever country Dick Cheney tells you to go to next.' 'OK. Night night, doctor.'
'Sleep tight, and don't let the historians bite.' 'What are historians?'